‘Large ones’ was apparently the wrong answer.
On a 10th date at a steakhouse, my T-bone steak was really dry. I jokingly tried to snag her steak before she started, then she looked me dead in the eyes and said, “touch it and I’ll remove your tenderloins!”
Talk about love at first bite!
They're surprised that it's filled with OSHA violations
He was a... super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
They could have been more hospitable.
The executioner left him hanging.
…but they physically fit.
Working title is called Fast 10: Your Seatbelt
I posted maybe a month ago and wanted to give you all an update on how the wedding went!
My absolutely stunning bride walked down the isle to "The Throne Room" song from A New Hope where Princess Leia gives the medals to Han and Luke.
My vows were:
"You are the love of my life. Ever since you walked into my life about 2.5 years ago, you have made literally every part of my life better and more beautiful, you have filled my life with a lot of laughter and love. You have this amazing indefinable quality to you that makes you so amazing and the perfect woman for me. I love you with all of my heart.
Even when we are apart for only a few hours, we tell each other how much we miss each other. Well today, I misses you.
I vow that I will always be there for you, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, but let’s make it richer, we are the Richardsons
I vow that I will do my best to keep you laughing, smiling and happy for the rest of our lives.
I vow that I will never give you up, I will never let you down, I will never run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.
I vow I will love you with all of the love, for all of my days."
It was a beautiful evening, with lots of laughs, plenty of serious heartfelt moments and lots of happiness! My wife and I could not be happier and it was perfect! I hope you all had a good day, I sure did!
W.H.O. Lets the dogs out!
I hope this appropriate to ask here. I am going to create a mental health support group on Facebook for Australian/New Zealand dental students and am needing a catchy/punny name. Currently there exists two mental health support groups that I know of on Facebook, both for dentists and not students. One is called Mental Dental and the other is called The Mental Block (alluding to the mental nerve in dentistry), so obviously I can't use those.
I'm not great with word games/etc so really appreciate any help. Thank you!
Now they all have Mousey Tongue.
that way you won't take any fall damage.
To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
If not, well then I guess urine danger.
It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.
It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.
It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickness and in health.
It’s absolutely fucking vital that these three women do not know each other.
Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Plagued with Halitosis.
The bartender asks what they'd like.
The executive of Miller orders a Miller Lite, so the bartender gives it to him. The executive of Bud orders a Bud Light, and he's given one. The bartender looks at the CEO of Guinness, and he asks for a Coke. The bartender, bewildered, hands him the Coke and asks why he didn't order a Guinness. In reply, he said,
"I figured if those two weren't drinking beer, then neither would I!"
It’s their fall meeting.
So far I’ve got:
Sandwich co (you can’t beat our meat) IT company (if you’ve got a Trojan we can help) Laundry service (dont press your luck) Organic shop (all we do is pot, and pull hoes) or (getting down and dirty with your hoes) Pet groomers (send your dog to pound town) Transport and travel [by plane] (we’ll get you high) Financial planner (saving lives, with your life savings) Bakery (fresh perky muffins in the front, soft buns in the back) Coffee shop (Mugging you at every corner)
Still looking for raunchy puns and double entendres for:
A Podcast/ music studio A Personal chef A Tour and travel agency A Health care company A Record studio A Game developer A Copyrighting co A Tailor A Garage/bike repair company A Clothing/hat maker A Personal trainer A Truck sharing (moving co) An Architecture bureau or real estate co An Illustrator A Pest control company A Wedding planner A Fishing and charter tour company A Liquor store
Help me out.
Sorry not a witty one-liner but peak of dad humor.
One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.
His wife answered the door.
"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."
"That much?"
"But you're getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else in town."
"I just want Juan. I'll hire him alone for $350." the man countered.
"Sorry..." she shrugged. "You can't have Juan without the otter."
Me grammar sucks and i is imaginary.
He asked his supervisor if he can take his cat to space. Supervisor explained how it is very expensive to ensure safety of everyone with a cat and can become dangerous.
Astronaut wished he was rich enough to bear the fee of taking a cat with him.
He thought about this for awhile.
With heavy heart he decided to leave the cat.
He can't afford Cat-Astro-Fee.
I haven’t dropped any food so far!
Dad: Did you hear that William Shatner is going to space?
Me: Yeah, Jeff Bezos is sending him up
Dad: He's 90-Years old. The G-Forces alone pose a huge health risk
Me: I guess it's getting easier and easier to put people into space
Dad: If they're not careful, they'll turn him into William Shattered
'Now honey, don't forget to reflect on all sorts of things while you're out there.... especially car headlights!'
The event will be affectionately named WHO Cares
The cop got out to inspect the car, when he smelled something decaying. Instantly, the cop pulled his gun and asked Schrodinger to get out with his hands up.
Prof. Schrodinger cooperated and got out. “What’s the matter officer?”
“Open the trunk! Slowly!” The cop demanded.
Schrodinger paled. “No officer, you’ll ruin my experiment!”
The officer took the safety off his gun, now alarmed. “Open it! Now!”
The professor sighed, but opened his trunk. Instantly the smell of decaying flesh filled the air, but the officer was startled. “That’s a dead cat!”
Schrodinger sighed. “Yes, there is one now.”
(No cats were actually harmed in this!)
...the first one says "So, how's it going?"
The second one sighs and shakes his head, "Not good to be honest pal. I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me and my wife is leaving me."
The first one replies 'Well, try not to lose any sheep over it."
"The guillotine truly was cutting-edge technology at the time."
A dad within earshot said he appreciated my sharp wit.
Don Quichoté.
New dad 9/14/14, finally can legit post in here (=
I’m worried about my cousin. He’s 28 with a good job. Has a lot in common with me (nerdy habits: board games, gaming conventions, anime etc). Unfortunately I have recently learned that he is one of those poor souls obsessed with Belle Delphine. Apparently it started out innocently enough. My cousin is into cosplay. He’s into girls. Ooh, there’s cosplay girls on the internet? What began as a YouTube channel subscription and a few dozen likes on Instagram has progressed into something much more serious. This man is spending money. My cousin’s social media accounts have recently featured pictures of him with his Belle Delphine merch. T-shirts, body pillows, there’s even some kind of bed spread/comforter with her googly-eyed tongue-outy face on it. Did you know that Belle Delphine briefly partnered with Tom’s shoes for a limited edition series of footwear? I knew that, because my cousin won’t shut up about how he bought them all. He’s got at least three jars of dirty bath water and a gaming keyboard with her face on it. It’s really sad. I think the isolation of the pandemic really exacerbated his behavior. He says that he and Belle are destined to be together. For my part, I’m telling him that this isn’t healthy behavior, and I’m encouraging him to seek counseling. I’m convinced he has a mental health issue like Obsessive Love Disorder or Erotomania. Afterall, he does have all of the Simp Toms.
You could say the decision was pretty spa-radic
WHO let the dogs out.
W.H.O let the dogs out.
To clarify, WHO let the dogs out
One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.
His wife answered the door.
"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."
"That much?"
"But you're getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else in town."
"I just want Juan. I'll hire him alone for $350." the man countered.
"Sorry..." she shrugged. "You can't have Juan without the otter."
