In 2017 I didn't jog. In 2018 I didn't jog. In 2019 I didn't jog. In 2020 I still haven't jogged.
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︎ Jul 16 2020
I hope you haven't seen this before, but it needs to be reposted.
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︎ Sep 19 2020
I havenβt slept for 6 days.
Because that would be too long.
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︎ Sep 09 2020
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"
What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
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︎ Aug 30 2020
Why havenβt aliens visited our solar system yet?
They looked at the reviews first...... only 1 star
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︎ Sep 20 2020
Since the quarantine started I haven't gotten a haircut. I wish I could just stop it where it's at
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︎ Sep 24 2020
This isnβt mine and I donβt know who made it, but itβs been on my phone for so many years and I havenβt seen it on here yet. I hope you all love it as much as I do.
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︎ Aug 15 2020
A weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, I haven't seen your kind here before! What'll you have?"
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︎ Sep 15 2020
I havenβt been able find my pet turtle for the past few months
Turns out heβs just been sheltering in place.
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︎ Sep 06 2020
My son looked at me with a silly grin and asked, "What do you and an antique door have in common?" I shrugged and replied, "I haven't a clue, what?" He explained...
"You're both worth more than you used to be, even though you're unhinged and your knobs don't work!"
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︎ Aug 15 2020
People who havenβt pooped in September
Why are you holding onto last monthβs shit?
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︎ Sep 03 2020
Arrgh, I finally figured out why I haven't been successful in my pirate career, it's all because of my spine...
...it's always been holding me back.
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︎ Aug 19 2020
I haven't shaved in three months!
I didn't like the beard at first, but I gotta admit, it's growing on me.
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︎ Aug 11 2020
I haven't had much fun since the last time I was abroad.
Things just haven't been the same since the surgery.
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︎ Sep 03 2020
I am sure someone has posted this one before, but, since I havenβt seen it, here goes! What did the wood screw say to the machine screw?
Wow! Those are some fine lookinβ threads, brotha!
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︎ Aug 14 2020
Haven't gotten to see my friend in awhile.
So I text him, let's get some burgers and ketchup.
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︎ Aug 12 2020
This is going to be the first year that I haven't taken a vacation in Paris, because of the pandemic.
Usually it is due to lack of money
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︎ May 31 2020
I havenβt seen this model before
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︎ May 15 2020
I haven't heard from my italian friend for a while now
I'm starting to think he pasta away
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︎ Jun 20 2020
Friend Who I Haven't Seen in a While: your kid's gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: I have no idea what he's for.
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︎ May 21 2020
My boss at the movie theatre asked me why I haven't sold any M&M's
I told him it's not my fault they're hard-sell candy.
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︎ Jun 28 2020
I havenβt pooped in five days.
But I donβt feel shitty about it.
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︎ Jul 17 2020
Just in case you haven't seen this before.
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︎ May 08 2020
I'm trying for a title based on a song but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
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︎ Apr 29 2020
Havenβt seen many Minecraft puns on here, so hereβs one for you guys
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︎ Feb 10 2020
I haven't worked in over a year.
Don't tell my boss I said that.
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︎ May 16 2020
Haven't been able to find the channel changer in a few days
It must be in a remote location
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︎ May 09 2020
Havenβt spoke to my wife for the last three weeks
Didnβt want to interrupt.
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︎ May 17 2020
Youβve never experienced life if you havenβt experienced this
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︎ Apr 12 2020
Recently I lost my little Corgi. I havenβt been able to find him.
I guess he went incorgnito.
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︎ May 05 2020
An old woman goes to see the doctor. "I'm very gassy, but fortunately my farts are quiet and don't smell. In fact, I've farted three times since you came in, but know you haven't noticed at all."
The doc nods his head, gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week.
A week later, the old woman comes back and is very upset. "I'm still very gassy, but now my farts are really loud and smell like a porta-potty at a chili festival!"
The doc says "Well now that we've cleared up your hearing and sense of smell, we can do something about your gas!"
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︎ Apr 16 2020
Most of the things Jesus did are very well known, but I haven't seen people mentioning that he was also a pioneer in sports
I mean, he was doing CrossFit almost 2000 years before it became popular!
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︎ May 04 2020
Iβve been solving derivatives everyday, for a week and I havenβt been able to do more than 20 a day.
I guess thatβs my limit.
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︎ Apr 15 2020
Actually a wife joke, but I haven't laughed so hard at a one liner in a while.
Last night my wife and I were talking. We've been married 20 years. She was just laying on me and it can get hard to breathe like that. She noticed I was struggling to breathe and said, "At least I still take your breath away."
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︎ Sep 17 2019
How can we be expected to manage universal healthcare when we obviously haven't even figured out
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︎ Jan 25 2020
There are people who haven't yet been to the toilet today
You need to stop holding in last years shit!
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︎ Jan 01 2020
I haven't heard anything from Lara Croft recently.
She's really gone off the raider.
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︎ Mar 16 2020
I havenβt been βtrainedβ enough to come up with a good title
π︎ 248
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︎ Jul 03 2019
Can't believe I haven't heard this one before
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︎ Dec 17 2019
Haven't you heard about the corduroy pillows?
They are making all the headlines...
π︎ 9
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︎ Jan 22 2020
Wife: I haven't seen you use the bathroom all week
Me: No shit. I'm constipated.
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︎ Oct 09 2019
You haven't got kidney stones, have you? Because that would mean urine trouble!
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︎ Sep 17 2018
I haven't slept for days.
I'm okay though. I sleep nights.
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︎ Sep 07 2019
I haven't had much success with jobs lately
I couldnβt concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasnβt suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldnβt cut it as barber; didnβt have the patience to be a doctor; didnβt fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldnβt see any future as a historian. I'm going to look into becoming an optometrist. We'll see.
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︎ Sep 12 2019
I haven't been very composed today, and it just keeps getting worse...
I guess you could say I'm decomposing.
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︎ Jan 13 2020
I started a band called 999 Megabytes β we havenβt gotten a gig yet.
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︎ Aug 28 2019
I don't understand why the Australian authorities haven't called out the lady sheep to deal with the fires. Everyday, when I was a child, Smokey the Bear was on TV telling me,
"Only EWE can prevent forest fires."
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︎ Jan 08 2020
Some guy came up to me and said, "I haven't gone to the bathroom in two years."
I said, "you're full of crap"
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︎ Jun 13 2019
I've been pretty down on myself, I haven't been able to go to the gym.
I'm sure everything will work out.
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︎ Oct 21 2019
"Daddy, I still haven't seen Frozen 2"
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︎ Dec 24 2019
I haven't had much luck dating recently so I decided to start a new hobby; painting money I get from the bank.
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︎ Oct 15 2019
You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany.
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︎ Mar 05 2018
It's been 6 months now since I joined the gym and I still haven't lost any weight....
Maybe it's time I went down there to see what's going on
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︎ Oct 16 2019
I've been a limo driver for 25 years and havenβt had a single customer.
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it...
π︎ 6k
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︎ Dec 26 2017
You canβt plant any flowers if you havenβt botany
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 26 2019
I havenβt slept for 7 days
Usually I only sleep for about 8 hours
π︎ 16
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︎ Sep 24 2019
Did you hear about the tortilla shortages going on right now? It's okay if you haven't.
They don't taco 'bout it much.
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︎ Nov 28 2019
I havenβt had whisky for a while now.
Our relationship is on the rocks.
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︎ Nov 08 2019
I havenβt played Fortnite in a fortnight...
π︎ 7
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︎ May 11 2019
I haven't slept in days.
It's a good thing I sleep at night.
π︎ 14
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︎ Sep 02 2019
My girlfriend and I haven't gone to the gym in over a year.
Our relationship isn't working out.
π︎ 4k
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︎ Mar 03 2018
Havenβt seen this on here yet, so to to keep the Elsa theme going...Why donβt you give Elsa a balloon?
Because sheβll let it go.
π︎ 8
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︎ Oct 08 2019
I haven't owned a watch in...
π︎ 39
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︎ Aug 26 2019
Why haven't the communists taken over yet?
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︎ Apr 27 2019
Was eating dinner with my wife when she quickly got up for seconds. βIβm starved! I havenβt been eating rightβ, she said. So I asked:
βIs that why you are eating everything thatβs left?β
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︎ Apr 30 2019
My daughter yelled at me, βDAAAAAAAD! You havenβt been listening to a word Iβve said, have you?β
What a strange way to start a conversation
π︎ 69
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︎ Apr 20 2019
Got myself stranded today so I rang my wife. She called me an idiot but itβs been 45 minutes and they still havenβt turned up.
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︎ May 07 2019
I saw a beautiful drawing of a fig last week and I just realised why I haven't been able to stop thinking about it,
It was a fig meant for my imagination.
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︎ Aug 20 2019
It probably came from here but who knows I thought it was funny I haven't seen it before oh well
π︎ 7
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︎ May 23 2019
The invisible manβs parents havenβt seen their son in two weeks
They couldnβt be more proud!
π︎ 9
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︎ Aug 19 2019
Why haven't Elon Musk been to Mars yet?
π︎ 6
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︎ Aug 29 2019
I relabelled the jars in our spice rack. I haven't gotten into trouble with my wife just yet...
... but the Thyme is Cumin!
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︎ Jun 07 2019
Wife: You know, we havenβt had a hug in days...
Husband: Yeah, I prefer Ben & Jerryβs.
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︎ Jul 25 2019
Why haven't aliens landed on Earth yet?
They saw our review. 1 star
π︎ 55
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︎ Jun 07 2019
Why havenβt aliens visited our solar system yet?
They looked at the reviews... only 1 Star...
π︎ 15
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︎ Sep 20 2020
Why havenβt aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at our reviews: only 1 star.
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︎ Sep 21 2020
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"
What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Aug 17 2019
My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"
What a weird way to start a conversation..
π︎ 23k
π
︎ May 26 2019
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"
What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
π︎ 76
π
︎ Mar 05 2020
Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet ?
The looked at the reviews.....only 1 star
π︎ 10
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︎ Mar 24 2020
Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?
They checked the reviews................ only one star.
π︎ 202
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︎ Oct 08 2019
Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?
When they checked the reviews it only had 1 star.
π︎ 242
π
︎ Jul 24 2019
Why havenβt the aliens visited our solar system yet?
Bad reviews... only 1 star.
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︎ Jun 29 2019
You know why aliens haven't visited us yet?
They checked our reviews. One star.
π︎ 312
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︎ May 16 2019
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"
What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Oct 27 2017
Why havenβt aliens visited yet?
They checked the reviews of our solar system and only saw one star
π︎ 441
π
︎ Mar 24 2019
My daughter to me. "Daaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you?"
Me: "What a strange way to start a conversation with me."
π︎ 20
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︎ Oct 21 2019
Why haven't Aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
π︎ 567
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︎ Sep 27 2018
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
π︎ 10
π
︎ Oct 08 2019
My wife screamed: "You haven't listened to a single word I've said have you?"
What a weird way to start a conversation!
π︎ 20
π
︎ May 28 2019
Why haven't aliens visited our solar system?
Because when they checked the review, it had only one star.
π︎ 116
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︎ Jul 23 2019
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
π︎ 66
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︎ Mar 18 2019
You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Aug 28 2017
I havenβt slept for three days
π︎ 13
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︎ Aug 13 2019
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