At a wedding reception where the chocolates on the table were in nice looking package.
- Dad: Don't throw that way; I'll take them home.
- Mom: Great another of one thousand useless items that'll be on a shelf.
- Dad: Aaaaw, Honey -- I'd never put you on the shelf.
While watching a baseball game:
- Mom: Are they "boo'ing?" Nobody "boos" anymore.
- Dad: Hey can I have a blow job?
- Mom: Shut up.
- Dad: Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
In regards to meatloaf my mother made:
- Mom: Sorry the meatloaf isn't that good.
- Dad: It's Ok. But next time try adding some Alpo.
While eating at relatives' house:
- Mom: Wow. This is really good! We used to eat like this all the time growing up.
- Uncle: Really? Where I come from we just call it Hamburger Helper.
In regards to an inappropriately shaped child's toy:
- Me: Did you buy that at one of those special stores you guys got in San Francisco?
- Grandfather: What?! Of course not! God no - that's not mine!
- ...
- Grandfather: It's too small...
When my brother and I were screwing around instead of helping in the garage:
- Dad: You know, twice, twice! I thought I got it out quick enough but some must have dribbled back inside.
After listening to a 3 minute voice mail from my mother:
- Me: What did she want?
- Dad: You want the long or the short version?
- Me: Short.
- Dad: Nothing.
- Me: Ok long version.
- Dad: Nothing much.
Dad and I would be innocently walking around the food store and happen upon the prepared foods aisle when he would notice the Hamburger Helper boxes. He'd laugh to himself, just thinking about the lame joke he always tells before it even comes out of his mouth.
"What do you call a masturbating cow?!"
Normally the way a joke works is you wait for someone to interact with you, answer your question or at least acknowledge that you're telling a joke - not my dad. He yells at himself at the top of his lungs.
"BEEF STROGANOFF!! ...MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
Really loudly. Way louder than any person should ever speak indoors. ..I miss him.
So a doctor that I work for has the ultimate dad jokes. One of my favorites was last night:
We are repairing a dogs lip... Dr. S: His lip looks like hamburger, yeah? Me: ...yeah it kind of does Dr S: So you know what that makes me? Me: ...... Dr. S: Hamburger Helper!!!
Hahaha :) I can't remember them all right now.
Hamburger Helper
