Good Credit Puns

That's why it is called "significant" other .... sign-if-I-cant!

That's why it's called a significant other. Sign If I Can't

She also likes it when I don't touch her.

All this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist!

I want to talk about my father and the wonderful influence he has had on my life,' he told the audience. 'He is a shining example of parenthood, and I love him more than words could ever do justice.'

At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, 'Sorry, but it's really hard to read my father’s handwriting.'

To prism, don’t worry though it’s a light sentence.

It's the Wurst Käse scenario

Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)

Because he neverlands

I'm on season 6 so far, but not sure what its got to do with security.

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, “Constipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said “No, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, “Yeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. “Taken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

I don't know why.

Recently, we had a hostile power takeover. A new mod got power hungry and went on a nice little editing spree.

Pics of carnage: Here

He/she has been banned from the subreddit, and submissions are back to normal.

I somehow ended up as the lackey here, and I've never been a subreddit mod before, so bear with me. I've put things back to their defaults, so submissions can resume normally.

##Tl;dr guy goes on power trip, he's gone, things back to normal, I have no clue what I'm doing.

Good thing is he's always gonna be a cold-headed thinker

Credits to my dad who just said that in a family meeting

I came to realize that dad jokes are often bad because they are actual original content. Dad's sacrifice their dignity by constantly trying to make jokes and once in a while a good one is made and used by the family members who take all the credit!

Me: “I’m not very hungry. I just want something easy.”

Server: “...Maybe the chicken strips for $6?”

Me: “Maybe it does, but that doesn’t help me with my hunger.”

Random Dad across the restaurant: “GOOD ONE!”

Credit to @TravisTeeh on Twitter

Why are CD Projekt RED such good developers?

Because they Polish all their games

All credits goes to /u/Time_Terminal :)

And das not good.

All credit for this joke goes to /u/Xiphers's Mom. I tried cross posting it here to give full credit to OP, but this sub only allows text posts. Here's the original post: https://old.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/bxeoqo/my_mom_has_a_board_with_attachable_letters_and/?ref=share&ref_source=link

(This is more parody/satire than a pun, but I tried to make sure it had puns.)

1. No more than half the people attending can wear trucker hats.

2. The fences must be measured and spaced using meters. It doesn't matter if you're putting them in someone's yard.

3. If you pull up a fence post, you cannot reuse it. In fact, you cannot use recycled posts from other people's yards.

4. Don't keep up with the Jones'. But if you can't avoid this, make sure you give the Jones' the credit due for coming up with it first.

5. You can bring lunch as sort of a potluck affair, but do not bring canned meat products from Hormel.

6. If you bring a fence post, it must look like a fence post. If it might be confused with something else, make sure the box or protective wrapping calls it a fence post.

7. When announcing the event, you are not allowed to make references to punch or people getting in line for punch. Just like Fight Club...

For now, we have no rule about promoting one stock car event over another as you work, or discussing other controversial matters. That won't change as long as you don't abuse this. Please keep your fence posts in good taste and suitable for all audiences. But if you do bring risque fence posts, make sure to cover them with a shroud labeled adult only, and I won't pull them up, provided the other rules are followed.

So to clarify, a mole is a unit of measurement in chemistry. My chemistry class does this extra credit project every year where you make a diorama of a mole (animal), with some sort of pun. Examples: Mole-sama Bin Laden, Mole Digger, Deadmol3. Help me find a good idea?

This is my favorite stupid joke to use out at the movies. Every movie. Action, drama, comedy, whatever.

Movie ends. Credits roll. People start getting up.
I turn to my wife and say, "Wanna stick around and see if (character) joins The Avengers?"

It works with everything.
After Moana: "Wanna stick around and see if Maui joins the Avengers?"
After Baby Driver: "Wanna stick around and see if Baby joins the Avengers?"

Even works for villians. Why not?
After Deepwater Horizon: "Wanna stick around and see if the oil joins the Avengers?"

I guarantee you eyerolls aplenty. Use it in good health.

He must have it in his Genes.

But seriously check out his Star Trek track listings. The guy loves a good pun.

Star Trek

1. Star Trek

2. Nailin' The Kelvin

3. Labor Of Love

4. Hella Bar Talk

5. Enterprising Young Men

6. Nero Sighted

7. Nice To Meld You

8. Run And Shoot Offense

9. Does It Still McFly?

10. Nero Death Experience

11. Nero Fiddles, Narada Burns

12. Back From Black

13. That New Car Smell

14. To Boldly Go

15. End Credits

Star Trek Into Darkness

1. Logos / Pranking The Natives

2. Spock Drops, Kirk Jumps

3. Sub Prime Directive

4. London Calling

5. Meld-Merized

6. The Kronos Wartet

7. Brigadoom

8. Ship To Ship

9. Earthbound And Down

10. Warp Core Values

11. Buying The Space Farm

12. The San Fran Hustle

13. Kirk Enterprises

14. Star Trek Main Theme

Star Trek Beyond

1. Logo and Prosper

2. Thank Your Lucky Star Date

3. Night on the Yorktown

4. The Dance of the Nebula

5. A Swarm Reception

6. Hitting the Saucer a Little Hard

7. Jaylah Damage

8. In Artifacts as in Life

9. Franklin, My Dear

10. A Lesson in Vulcan Mineralogy

11. MotorCycles of Relief

12. Mocking Jaylah

13. Crash Decisions

14. Krall-y Krall-y Oxen Free

15. Shutdown Happens

16. Cater-Krall in Zero G

17. Par-tay for the Course

18. Star Trek Main Theme

I work in sales and a man with the last name 'Salmon' ordered some goods from us, his Credit Card payment wasn't passing our credit rating. He asked me for some help and I said 'I dolphinately haven't seen anything this fishy in a whale'

He chuckled to himself and asked me 'Did you just make a fish pun on porpoise?'

Who know there were so many dad's out there!

My wife and I were driving through town when we passed a store named Mr Barbeque. I told her that it's a good store, but Mrs Barbeque claims all the credit.

After she grumbled for a while, we passed another store just a few blocks away, called Miss Chocolate. I explained that this was Mrs Barbeque's maiden name, she opened it up after she left Mr Barbeque. It was a very bitter divorce, she lost all the sugar in the settlement.

Whenever my dad is paying with his credit card, he waits until the machine reads accepted and says, "Thank goodness it works, I just found it in the parking lot."

I was registering a vehicle to my name that I bought off a guy who had a lean out on it. The credit union who was holding the title took forever and a day to send it my way. Well in California, you need to transfer the vehicle in under five days of the purchase. Unknowingly, I waltz into the joint expecting a boom bam thank you ma'am process. Low and behold the clerk says I owe a hundred and some odd bucks for being late, but I explained her the situation and since it was not my fault she flopped the form to waive this fee.

I saw my opportunity and I pounced...

"So this is the....Tidal Wave?"

I get a blank stare for a solid ten seconds and she slaps down another form saying that I owe 500 dollars in taxes. Good ol' California DMV.

I'll give him credit he does have a lot of good jokes but he loves re-telling this stupid one.

A telemarketer calls a house and a little boy answers

The telemarketer asks if he can speak to the boys parents

The boy replies "they're busy"

The telemarketer asks if there are any other adults around

The little boy replies "Yes my neighbour is here too"

"Well can I talk to them?"

The little boy replies "No he's busy"

The telemarketer is getting frustrated

"Is there someone else around?"

The little boy replies "Yes a police-man"

"Can I speak to him please?"

Again the little boy replies "no he's busy"

The telemarketer gives up and asks

"Why is everyone busy? What are they doing?"

The boy replies "Looking for me"

That's why its called significant other.

( Sign-if-I-cant. )

She said not many people can do what she does. I guess you can say she's medium rare. She was pretty good too, the whole thing was well done.

Credit to my father-in-law for these.