The pandemic has been hard on my gym routine. I just can't seem to get back in the groove. But I did find one exercise that I can do at home every single day. Honestly, it's my favorite exercise - and I'm seeing pretty significant gains!

Diddly Squats

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ericmbailey
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2022
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Why did Jack get hit by a sport car going in reverse during his exercise?

Because the driver can’t see jack squat in the rear view mirror.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aistivy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2022
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My wife suggested I do lunges as an exercise to get fitter during quarantine.

That sounds ...like a big step.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
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Do unfit parents have to exercise a lot to get their children back?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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Exercise alone won't get you into shape. You have to diet too.

There's no weigh around it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bomemeianrhapsody
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2018
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A study showed that children get too little exercise nowadays...

People need to pay attention to their inert child.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
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Everybody who voted today gets to say they got exercise.

Because they exercised their right to vote.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
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I was stealing a treadmill

Then the police came so I had to run

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Space-Jesus27
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2022
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Apu and his family went on a bike ride.

It was known as the Nahasapeema-peloton.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lenzar86
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
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I'm taking an improv class [shaggy dog]

and today, we were playing a game of "Yes, Let's!" If you're unfamiliar, that's a group improv exercise where one person says "Let's do a thing!" and everybody else replies "Yes, let's!" and then proceeds to act out the scene. After acting out said scene, somebody freezes, then everybody freezes, and then someone else starts one.

In this case, it was "Let's go to a Michael Jackson tribute concert!" Now, we'd just been coached to assume distinct roles in an attempt to construct a coherent narrative, and so I, as an awkward, scrawny, blond white man, slipped effortlessly into the role of a shitty Michael Jackson impersonator. And I must have been doing something right, because the rest of the group quickly formed a scene as the audience, security, and crew, and stupidity ensued as I sucked at being Michael Jackson for all I was worth.

A few people started heckling, and then one of the audience members barged past security and mimed punching me in the head, whereupon I dramatically spun and dropped to the floor with a resounding THUD (knowing how to fall is a useful skill). The reaction was about a third laughs, a third stage-gasps, and a third just confusion. But I did get a few compliments after the exercise on my impression and my theatrics.

So I'd say that was a pretty big hit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/teuast
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2017
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Red Skelton on excercise

From comedian and film star Β Red Skelton:

β€œExercise? I get it on the golf course.

When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics. ”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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The optimist sees the donut whole; the pessimist sees the donut hole.

I tried to get this to a sexual joke, but I will leave it as an exercise for the reader.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
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A length of rope walks into a bar...

The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve rope here." The length of rope leaves, and comes back later with a disguise. The bartender says "I just told you, we don't serve rope here." The rope decides that he'll get stronger and force his way into the bar. So, he starts stretching and exercising, twisting himself around, and rubs his back against the brick wall to build pain tolerance. When he returns to the bar, the bartender looks at him. "Weren't you the length of rope I kicked out earlier?"

"No," the rope responds. "I'm a frayed knot."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FirstBoulevard
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2018
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Remember the story where a woman assaulted a police officer by spraying her with breast milk?

If I were her attorney, I could get a not-guilty verdict using the First Amendment. She was exercising her freedom of expression.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2018
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The World Health Organization

I was having a conversation with a friend about exercise and it goes a little something like this.

Friend: Did you know that the World Health Organization recommends at least 180 minutes of moderate to vigorous exercise?

Me: with a grin on my face Who?

Friend: The World Health Organization.

Me: again with same expression Who?

Friend: getting annoyed THE WORLD HEAL... shoots me the dirtiest look

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spinner899
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2016
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My Dad at the hospital.

For a little bit of background information, my dad suffers from multiple system atrophy and got a high fever, which turned out to be from a bad urinal tract infection. He has been at the hospital for almost 2 weeks now, and it is really hard on our family, but he is doing his best to get better and throws this small dad joke to lighten me and my brothers day.

A Speech Therapist comes every day to help him focus on his muscles in his face to help him swallow and speak clearer with simple gestures of noises and deep breathing. As she was done with his exercises, she said to him "Can you say goodbye, have a nice day! in a long sentence?" (As in one breath with no pauses). My dad then takes a look at me and my brother and says in his slurred voice "goodbye... have a nice day... in a long sentence".

The Speech Therapist just smiled and shook her head while we facepalmed...

Thumbs up Dad, I know you will come home soon!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Neil_to_me
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2015
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Got my sister at the store today!

We were at the register and the cashier says "Oh my gosh! You *pointing at my sister* look like the girl from The Last Exorcism!"

After a little semi-awkward dialogue, I asked if the cashier was talking about the person who gets exercised in the film, and she says yes.

Without skipping a beat, I look over to my sister and say "THAT MAKES YOU MY EXORSISTER!"

She then digs her face into the counter with the "Yup. This is what I live with" face

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NateY3K
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2015
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Conversations with my father

When I was young I told my dad, β€œWhen I grow up I want to be a musician.” My dad looked at me sternly and said, β€œYou know, son, you can’t do both.”

Looking at the huge tree in our front yard, my dad advised me, β€œDon’t trust that tree. It’s shady.”

We were in the library together and my dad checked out a huge book on accounting. I asked why he was bothering to get that book. β€œI need to take this book to my doctor. It has a bloated appendix.”

My dad once told me, β€œI do yoga daily with your mother.” Then he added, β€œBy β€˜do yoga’ I mean I put my foot in my mouth.”

My dad was always telling me to exercise. He said I need to walk two miles a day. After a month of doing that, I called him, β€œOkay, now I’m in Seattle. What do I do now?”

My dad loved Clint Eastwood. I heard that Clint just opened a preschool: β€œGo Ahead Make My Day Care.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stevekimes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2022
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Green world

I was wondering what happens to old exercise bikes ? Do they get Re-Cycled 🀨

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2021
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If it weren't for the t.v. and refrigerator being in different rooms....

I'd never get any exercise.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2021
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