What’s the worst new car scent?

Elon Musk.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2023
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What does santander say walking backwards?

Oh oh oh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tsunamislam1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2022
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My wife asked me: β€œWhat starts with F and ends in K.”

I said: β€œNo it doesn’t.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrostyDude78
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2022
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Bruno Mars’s β€œUptown Funk” is the catchiest video you’ll ever see…

β€œDon’t believe me…? Just watch”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/profusly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2021
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It's ok that your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck". Fowl language innit.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarketingCoding
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2022
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My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.

And for that I am internally grapefruit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brundonius
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2022
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A group of mummies decided to form a rock group.

They then decided that they'd rather wrap.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2021
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My honest timepiece denies I was listening to Bruno Mars' "Uptown Funk"

Don't believe me, just watch?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Budzee
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
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Think twice

A four letter word that starts with f and ends in k. If you don't get it you have to use your hands.

Fork

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TwistyAce
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2022
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I've promised my family and friends not to sing Bruno Mars' Uptown Funk anymore

Dont believe me? Just watch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArashiKaru
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
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I talk about the song Uptown Funk all the time and always bring it up in conversations.

Don’t believe me? Just watch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RichNCrispy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2017
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In the grocery store imgur.com/0hqlUDr
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PapBear
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2015
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Not really a dad joke, but...

more like dad revelations. I was pulling up carpet and padding Sunday because we adopted two very rude Husky puppies last year that like to urinate in the house. As I was working, I was listening to Parliment Funkadelic on Pandora and I came to the realization that I was listening to P-Funk as I was dealing with pee funk.
Another thing that happened the same day was I took an opened bag of bird feed out of the closet to pull the carpet up and when I looked at it a bit later, I saw beetles all over the bag and crawling on the counter where I had set it. Probably 40 of the little suckers. I had to text my wife about that one. "Honey, I've got bad news. Our bag of bird feed has been infested with beetles. Yes, our bird feed has been infested with... more bird feed."
Anyway, just thought I would share. Carry on with the groaners.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpartanMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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Pun contest. Name our bands next "tour". Get it printed on shirts. Win imaginary gold.

Backstory: I play in a small band that does a "tour" of southern Wisconsin every year. The bands name is the Petty Thieves. This is my first year with them, but every year they come up with a tour name and make nice t-shirts and material with the tour name on them. Last two tour names were "Sticky Fingers" and "Busted!" We are looking for something related to the band name. Something clever and crime related. If it has mild sexual innuendo, all the better, but not overtly obscene. Some tour names we came up with are: Five Finger Discount, Backdoor Tour, Snatching Kisses, Kissing Snatches, Robbing the Cradle, Something something Miss Demeanors, Spread 'em, Felonious Funk, Unlawful Entry, Rhymes against Humanity, etc...

If you have anything punny, please throw it out there. Top 3 upvoted names get reddit gold. If we use your tour name, I'l send you the tshirt. Thanks kind sirs!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dharmon555
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
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What do you call a Black/Asian Jazz trio?

Funk Shui

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
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Still cracks me up when I think about it. Dads are the best!

Backstory: Many years ago I was living on my own about 45 minutes away from my parents. I had a stable job but didn't make much money and was broke most of the time. I had an old beat up car that was my only form of transportation. I would always have mechanical issues with the car and finally one morning it decided it wouldn't start no matter what.

I sheepishly had to call in to work and explain the situation and let them know that I would have to take a sick day but would figure some way to get to work the next day. I called my dad and he offered to come pick the car up on his trailer and take it back to his garage to work on it and get it in shape to trade it in.

He drives to my apartment, we get the car on the trailer and we are headed back to his house. The whole ride there I'm pretty pissed off and depressed about the whole situation. I'm worried about finding a new car and how I'm going to afford it and what I'm gonna do if I can't get it running again.

Dad senses my mood and pretty much keeps quiet the whole time. We get about three blocks away from his house and he utters this gem.

"Man, this car won't get off my ass. He's been tailgating me for 45 minutes now."

This was the perfect thing to snap me out of my funk and break the tension. I absolutely lost it. Only a Dad Joke could make me realize how trivial the whole thing was. I have told this joke to others who didn't really think it was that funny, but to me at the time it was the greatest thing ever.

Thanks Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/B-Wing
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2013
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Did you hear about the North Korean disco?

It had lots of funk, but very little Seoul.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRtHonLaqueesha
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2016
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Bruno Mars’ β€œUptown Funk” Music Video Is God Awful

Don’t believe me? Just watch...

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2018
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