What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?

A taxi

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SubstantialBelly6
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 13 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The lights went out at the gym, and the bodybuilders were fumbling around for their protein shakes...

Just couldn't find their whey in the dark.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KW-DadJoker
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 20 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks...

He found his way to the men's department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.

"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed. "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience. "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "ยกEso sรญ que es!"

"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 92
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cyberentomology
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The kicker fumbled the play

No punt intended

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Pongoid
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Out to dinner, mother in law tried to say 'fondled' and 'fumbled' at the same time.

She ended up saying 'fundled'. Wife asked "what is fundled?"

I said, "it's the type of harassment you can't get sued for."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/accountnumber3
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 05 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

Bumpโ€ฆ

Bumpโ€ฆ

Bumpโ€ฆ

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bumpโ€ฆ

Bumpโ€ฆ

BUMPโ€ฆ

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.

Fasterโ€ฆ

Fasterโ€ฆ

FASTERโ€ฆ

Bumpโ€ฆ

Bumpโ€ฆ

BUMPโ€ฆ

He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!

Andโ€ฆ

The coffin stopsโ€ฆ.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 43
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
While watching (American) football this past Sunday the announcer says, "...the ground can't cause a fumble." This prompts my dad to look at me and say

You'd think the ground would know that by now.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 16
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Etheril
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 12 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Gotta start early if I wanna be a pro dad someday

Sometimes I fumble when switching between chords on a guitar, but itโ€™s just A Minor inconvenience.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/NotDsdguy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What insect is bad at football ?

A FumbleBee

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Johnny_Two_Timez
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 23 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What kind of insect is bad at football?

A fumble-bee.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cyphr0st
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Two twins have a race in the morning

One says to the other 'I bet I can get dressed faster than you'

So each hurriedly puts their socks on, followed by their underwear and trousers, both at the same time.

Now the hard part! Each fumbled frantically with their buttoned shirts, quickly but painstakingly ensuring that each button was right - a minute or so later each finished the last button at the same time.

The heat was on! It was all down to the last item of clothing!

It was a tie.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 122
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mister_pleco
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 14 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
how to get a girl

I was at the grocery store and saw a cute girl, so i dropped a lime on the ground and fumbled around with it for a minute and said "sorry im terrible at pickup limes"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 68
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/timmyjaymes
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I'm a police officer/dad and I got some lady last night...

I was pulling up to Walmart yesterday evening for a call. As I'm going in the store there is a lady walking out with some items in her hands. In one hand she has like 4 bags of stuff and in the other arm she is carrying a large bag of Fresh Step cat litter. Anyway as we're about to pass each other, she fumbles the bag of Fresh Step, drops it and the bag bursts open...cat litter goes everywhere.

Without missing a beat I looked her straight in the eye, pointed to the ground and said sternly, "Ma'am, there's no littering here." She looked like she was about to cry and then just burst out laughing. I helped her pick up the bag and bring it back in the store so she could get a new one. She couldn't stop laughing the entire time.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 311
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bluedit5
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 22 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
This guyโ€™s walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night...

There isnโ€™t another soul on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bumpโ€ฆbump.

He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.

Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He looks behind him again, and the shadow is closer.

Bumpโ€ฆbumpโ€ฆbump.

The glow of a streetlight illuminates the shadow momentarily, and, to the manโ€™s horror, it is a coffin, bumping down the sidewalk.

He quickens his pace, running as fast as he can go, but the coffin only pursues more quickly.

BUMPโ€ฆBUMPโ€ฆBUMP!

He reaches his house, fumbles frantically for his keys, and slips in the door just as the coffin reaches his front steps.

He slams the door and leans against it, catching his breath.

Bumpโ€ฆbumpโ€ฆbump.

There is a momentโ€™s silence, and the man wonders if he dares to breathe.

Suddenlyโ€ฆ. Bumpโ€ฆbumpโ€ฆbumpโ€ฆBumpโ€ฆ

BUMP! BUMP!

BUMPBUMPBUMPCRAAAAASH!!!!

He rebounds away as the door breaks off its hinges.

Scrambling to his feet, he charges up the stairs, and the coffin races after.

BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP!

Terrified, he backs into a corner and starts throwing everything within reach at the coffin โ€” a handful of papers, a vase, a box of crackers, a lamp โ€” but the coffin keeps coming!

BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP INCHESFROMHISFACE, and nothing seems to slow it down!

His hands fall upon a bottle of cough syrup, and he throws that at the coffin, too!

The coffin stops.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 206
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The adventures of Max Dad, P.I.

The sun shone into my office through the lowered blinds all clumsy like, fumbling through the gaps between the venetian slats like a drunk fishing for loose change in his pockets; trying to see if he has money enough for one last drink or maybe the bus ride home.

The dame looked me up and down, clearly disappointed by what sat in front of her. I didnโ€™t blame her. Three days of salt and pepper stubble clung to my my crude boxerโ€™s jaw and the bags under my eyes were so big half the bums downtown could sleep in there and not even know anyone else was with 'em. That was ok. This broad wasnโ€™t hiring me for my looks and I wasnโ€™t looking to her for approval. We both knew what brought her in here, it was the name on the door.

Max Dad P.I. - thatโ€™s me. Private Investigatorโ€™s sure not the profession my mother would have picked out for me, but it keeps me in whisky and it keeps a roof over my head and thatโ€™ll do for now. The dame parted those cherry red lips of hers as she took another pull on that just-lit cigarette and nervously stubbed it out in the ashtray. My eyebrows knit together slightly. I hate seeing things go to waste.

โ€œSo as I was saying, Mr Dad,โ€ she began.

โ€œPlease, call me Maxโ€

โ€œAlright, Maxโ€ฆ well, as I was saying, my bag is missing. Stolen, I think. I urgently need it back. Shall I describe it to you?โ€

โ€œNo thatโ€™s alright miss. You got nothing to worry about,โ€ I replied, sliding a bottle out of the desk drawer and pouring a big slug of scotch into to my morning coffee, โ€œIโ€™m sure itโ€™ll be a brief case.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 24
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/johnnyohnny
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 18 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
You shouldn't get upset at new football players for making mistakes.

That's just the way the rookie fumbles.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 28
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/swion
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 27 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Driving instructor pulled one on me.

I was going for driving lesson after a 2 month break, and after fumbling around and finally successfully getting the car started, my driving instructor said this to me:
DI: "Have you been filming a show recently?"
Me: "No, why do you say that?"
DI: "You look a lot like a character in this show on TV."
Me(kinda flattered): "What show is that?"
DI (Deadpanned): "Oh you know, Lost."
Me: "......."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Serav1
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 05 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Grandma goes to Cold Stone

Took my precious grandparents to Cold Stone for a late night snack. After waiting line, trying many samples and finally ordering and getting our ice cream, my grandma goes to pay. After some searching, she hands the cashier her rewards card and continues to search for her money. After a little more fumbling, she looks up to see the cashier with a funny look on her face and tells my grandma she can't use that card. My grandma is confused and asks, "why, is it expired?" To which the young girl responds, "no, it's just that we're not Ohmaha Steaks."

My grandma is super embarrassed and my grandpa turns to me and says, "it seems your grandma has a case of cardszheimers."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pennyrae
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 04 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
There are three classes of cheerios

There are three classes of cheerios, the lower class (plain ol' cheerios), the middle class cheerios (frosted), and the elite class (honey nut). One soggy morning in Seattle, a plain cheerio awoke in his single room apartment. He looked out at the still sleepy city, blanketed in a mist of rain. He quickly got dressed and put his shoes on, this would be the day. He stood propped against the bus stop, smoking a cigarette. "God I have got to stop this habit." He thought to himself. Glancing back and forth at the bustle of cheerios, he saw her. She looked about 25, devastatingly gorgeous, and he could smell the honey from where he stood. "Excuse me ma'am," his voice quivered, "I - I think you might be the most beautiful cheerio I have ever seen." She smiled and her otherwise golden brown face grew red. " This is a long shot, but will you marry me?' She was obviously caught off guard by this, but her red lips formed the word, "Yes." They raced through the morning mist of the city, and arrived at her fathers house. The cheerio bent down in front of her father. "Sir, I would like to ask for your blessing in marrying your daughter" "No! You are a regular cheerio and my daughter needs a high quality honey nut" he snapped. "But sir." "No means no damnit!" "Sir this is very unrea-" "You come back a honey nut and you'll have my blessing, my daughter is not about to marry a low life like you." The cheerio sprinted home, tears streaming down his face. He fumbled against the lock and sprawled out on his bed. When he awoke it was early, his sheets had a dark silhouette from his wet jacket. He sat up and lit a cigarette. "Damn." he sighed to himself. Walking in front of his mirror, he noticed something different. His body was frosted! He had become a frosted cheerio! He darted out the door without shoes, reaching the honey nut household in no time at all. He banged on the door, and the beauty's father answered. "Sir I am a changed cheerio! I'm frosted!" he exclaimed. Her father had a stern look on his face. "You think you are any better? The dirt on my boots are worth more than you." he hissed. The old honey nut slammed the door on the young frosted. He heard the deadbolt click. The newly frosted cheerio didn't take the same way home. He stood on the edge of a bridge, feeling the cool autumn wind on his sugar coated skin. Was he really going to go through with this? Was it worth it? No he was a frosted cheerio now. He couldn't get the girl, but he was a changed cheerio. He

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/R1pply
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 31 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What do you call a bee that's bad at football?

A fumble bee.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/truarte
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 17 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Being a lady doesn't stop me from making dad jokes

Yesterday I was in the grocery store with my MIL, right by the lettuce section. A woman grabbed a bag of lettuce at the top of the case (just above her head), fumbled and somehow managed to knock it with the back of her hand, sending it flying into another case and onto the floor.

Without missing a beat, I turned to my MIL and said, "Hey look, tossed salad!".

And yes, I laughed at my own joke. :)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/wordtoyourmother8
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 19 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A dad informs his son of his heritage.

A dad walks up to his son and says, "Son, I think it's about time I told you about your real heritage. You see son, you're half-Arabic." The son is very surprised: "What?! Dad, I thought we were white!"

The dad fumbles around behind his back for a minute and says, "I know it comes as a shock, but I think in time, I can help you embrace your roots." He then pulls a paper bag from behind his back and puts it on his head: "In the meantime, you can call me BAG DAD."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TundieRice
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 20 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night

When behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER

FASTER

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him.

However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking

Clapity-BUMP...

Clapity-BUMP...

Clapity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him

A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and...

The coffin stops.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 51
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Energylegs23
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
It was a dark and foggy night

A man is walking home alone one foggy evening, when behind him he faintly hears:

thump...

thump...

thump...

Senses tingling, he begins walking faster only to look back and make out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

THUMP...

THUMP...

THUMP...

Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER

FASTER

THUMP...

THUMP...

THUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, slams it shut and locks it behind him.

However, the casket crashes through the door, and with the lid of the casket clacking on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Clappity-THUMP...

Clappity-THUMP...

Clappity-THUMP...

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH! the casket breaks down the door. Thumping and clapping towards him, the man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws it at the casket and...

The coffin stops.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MysteryOrange7
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.

"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed.

"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.

"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sรญ que es!"

"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Alec935
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.