I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry.
He has selfie steam issues.
My friend claims the he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
Given to my friend who is a woodworker
The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate
My friend wanted to show me a dad joke on here
I just haven’t reddit yet
Edit: omg i never expected this to do so good, i usually get 3/4 upvotes, thank you all so much!!
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a "get well soon" card.
Me: “Oh, I wish I’d listened to my mother” Friend: “Why? What’d she tell you?”
Me: “I don’t know, I wasn’t listening”
“Inflation is creeping up,” a young man said to his friend—
— “Yesterday I ordered a twenty-five dollar steak in a restaurant and told them to put it on my credit—and it fit.”
I told my friend I was going to rob a toy store for some board games
He said I could go to jail for it. I said it was a Risk worth taking
My friend said, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”
Me: Cats. Cats love fish.
The only dad joke I know. My friend asked me to post it. :-)
I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day!
My friends and I were playing a game where you have to think of famous Johns. The game ends if you pick a John that is no longer with us.
It's all fun and games until someone gets Hurt.
My friend is addicted to watching other people eat a gingerbread house.
Doctors are calling it munch housing by proxy.
I was going to tell my friend a terrible bowling joke
A friend of mine just said to me “I’m training to be garbage man”
I said “You don’t need training for that! You just pick it up as you go along”
My friends asked me why I hang my grapes outside to dry
I told them, “I have my raisins.”
My blind friend kept lying to me...
It was hard for him to see the truth
My friend worked at the zoo to circumcise elephants, the pay was bad but...
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
My friend called me and said he lost the million dollar prize because he couldn't think of a neighbor to Saudi Arabia...
My friend used to work for the forgeries division of INTERPOL with a specialization on the trafficking of fraudulent paintings.
He was an artificial art official.
My lactose intolerant friend need to leave this galaxy.
My bodybuilder friend decided to quit the gym and get into seminary school instead.
Either way, he is cross training.
I was at a friends funeral and I said to the widow “do you mind if I say a word?”
She said go ahead.
I stood up said “plethora” and sat back down.
“Thank you”, the grieving widow responded, “it means a lot”
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.
Curse the creator of autocorrect! I asked my friend what the best shampoo to use was, and he replied “Panettone”.
That was last Tuesday, and I still haven’t got all the crumbs out of my hair.
My friend found a deer stuck in a fence. It took him 3 hours, but he was able to rescue it.
He’ll do anything for a buck.
My friend likes being talked down to...
Feather pillows are his passion.
2 of our friends came over at around 1 AM and to be honest, I was a bit embarrassed to let them in
Hadn’t cleaned the house all year
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
The only people to show up to my friend’s funeral were some of his one night stands and some friends from church.
My black belt friend had to put lifts in his shoes...
...adding insoles to ninjary.
How to politely tell your Greek friend Robert to be quite.
A guy brings his friend to see his new lake house. When they get there, they see a goose on the front steps.
The friend says "hey, is he yours?"
The guy replies "yep, kept him after I found him alone by the lake. He can't communicate with any of the other birds."
His friend looked confused. "Is he mute?"
"No. I think he speaks porch geese."
My friends keep trying to convince me to let a 2,000 elephant sit on me.
My friend today is intentionally staring at the sun to cause eye damage.
Look on the bright side, today will be the last time he sees 2020....
Earlier my friend used to play Badminton but then he got some training. Now he plays Goodminton.
Just watched all the Harry Potter movies back to back with a friend
Stupid, really, because it meant I couldn't see the TV
My friend said that it is bad to keep shit in me too long
All i said was that i don't give a shit
I asked my friend Sam to sing me a song about my iPhone.
My friend asked me if I wanted to go to a Vietnamese Soup-Making Demonstration
This year, my friend decided to play his string instrument with a neck and a deep round back enclosing a hollow cavity, with a sound hole in the body at the voting booths...
He was arrested for ear poll-lute-tion.
Today my friend asked me “What kinda shit would make you want to stay home all day?”
I said “Diarrhea for sure”.
My friend just can't afford to pay his huge water bill...
I've sent him a Get Well Soon card.
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill
So I sent him a "get well soon" card
My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill....
So, I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.
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