For Today Puns

G : what type of apples grow on trees ?

my dumbass : idk red and green ?

G : all of them do

wheezes

Because he's got little legs.

He put a glass of water on his head!

It's the first time I have been able to see and hug her in over a year, and she made me so proud!

*Edit: So many typos in my title.

I got him a Budweiser, but he didn't like it. So I drank it. I tried him on Coors and he hated that too. So I drank that too. Same thing with Guiness and Whiskey. I was doubling up on everything and he was happy with Apple juice.

By the time we started on vodkas, I was way too drunk to push his pram home.

I gave him a glass of water.

Right pain in the ass

I guess I was supposed to give them candy because it’s “Halloween”

They absolutely killed it.

I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

2000 lbs of soup goes along way.

Now a slice of pie in the United States will set you back $5

But in the Bahamas and Aruba you can buy that same slice of pie for just $1

Yep. Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

“You just haven’t been cutting it lately.”

...she’s sorry she ever married me.

I probably should have worn pants, too.

I guess he got a promotion for being the only one outstanding in his field

I said, “Yes please.”

Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”

Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.

Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

Does that make them April Fools?

Turns out I'm an anarchist!

I've sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy.

He was the worst mechanic the luftwaffe ever had

It was a briefcase.

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

Miss4 says “if they are not holes, what are they?”

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.

“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.

“That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.

“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”

Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”

They were not happy at the funeral home

I realized that was it, and I had to put my foot down.

The covid tester asked if I had experienced a sudden loss of taste. I said no, I always dress this way

Then I'll see what happens.

I told him it’s Naan of his business

Edit: he could have replied “papa dumb”

It was the wurst.

Silence of the Lambeau

Comment below if you’d like to see photos of my faux toes.

Just stopped and staired

"...mountains peak!"

Costa fortune.

The horse looks at the bartender and says "Hey"

Looks like they are too busy today

I told her if they forgot the cheese again, it wouldn’t end very Gouda for them!

It's true! When was the last time you ate a bird?

I thought that it was a nice jester

Thank god I was in the living room when he came

Good employees are hard to find nowadays

Son: Daddy, where is Thomas? Daddy: I don’t know, mate. Son: He must be working from home today.

Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.

Then I’ll see what happens

I gave him a glass of water.