The Beastie Boys announced an upcoming, 5-part anthology collection. You can get parts A, B, C, & D for free.

But you gotta fight for your right to Part E.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ho2Me9
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2022
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"Mommy, mommy! Suzy at school was showing the boys her knickers for a penny."

Oh my goodness, my son. What did you do?"I came straight home, of course!"That's my good boy."Mom?"Yes, my son?"May I please have a penny?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GranularPlatitude
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2023
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Why are dough boys diggin the graveyard for medication?

'cause pills bury.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hurtkopain
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2022
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I’m the headmaster at Richards school for boys

Guess you could say I’m the dickhead

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArmedPenguin47
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2022
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The boys are getting together for some Cooperative Video Gaming tonight

Or what I like to call COVID.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lemonloaff
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
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Have you heard about the new line of Beastie Boys DIY furniture? It comes with everything for step 2 and beyond.

But you gotta fight! For your right! To part A!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/claire_lair
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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I told my teen daughter to invite all the boys she texts over for Thanksgiving...

We're gonna call it a Friends-zone-giving.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LazySumo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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I know it's boring to shop for vacuum cleaners, son, but remember, the Beach Boys had the same difficulty while deciding on a brand for their own personal vacuum cleaner. I can remember their words now...

"A Roomba? Makita? Ooooh! I want Eureka!"

He avoided me for the rest of the day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/someauthor
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2018
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I once knew a band composed of guys all born bottom first. Great music, but for some reason, The Breech Boys never made it big.
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2018
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After living with 2 boys and my dad for 18 years, the only joke my mom hates

After throwing down his napkin after we all finish the last of the pizza..."Well, we wiped that out like a dirty asshole!" Mom just shakes her head.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wookie180
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2013
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A logger took his son to work the other day. The father went to look for a tree and the son stayed behind to practice his swing. The boy tripped and dinged the truck. His farther came back and saw the ding. He said "son, can you tell me what I'm looking at?". The son said,

Just a little axe dent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/3rrr6
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2022
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What did the Mexican boy say to his father as he was leaving home for the city...

See you dad!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lmr_fudd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2022
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What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cockneybastard
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2022
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Well I mean I would be mad...
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2022
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My wife didn’t like the last second name I suggested for a baby boy even though…

I came up with it in the Nick of time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rszim94
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2022
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The Civil War the liberals want
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πŸ‘€︎ u/regnartterb
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2022
🚨︎ report
What did the father Buffalo say to his boy when dropping him off for school?

Bison!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anonymotron42
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2022
🚨︎ report
What did the ghost boy want for Halloween?

A ghoulfriend.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gracius0ne
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2021
🚨︎ report
There once was a boy born with no body, only a head.

On his 21st birthday his dad asked him what he’d like to do. β€œGo to the bar for a beer”, he said. So they went.

His dad propped his son on the bar. β€œBeer for my son, please”. The dad poured the beer into his son’s mouth. Two arms sprouted from his neck. β€œIt’s a miracle! Bartender, quick! Grab another beer!”

The son grabbed the second beer with his new arms and drank it. A body grew below his arms. The bartender ran for another beer. The boy drank it and sure enough, two legs sprouted from his torso.

He yelled, β€œDad look! I have a body!” In his excitement he ran out of the bar. His dad and the bartender followed and to their horror, watched as the kid ran into the street and got run over by a bus. The dad said, β€œOh son, I never thought to teach you to look both ways before crossing the street”.

The bartender said, β€œPoor kid, should’ve quit while he was ahead”.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2022
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What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school?

Mumbai

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vietlinh12hoa
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2021
🚨︎ report
The family had Bohemian origins

The head of the wealthy Guttheim family was concerned about his oldest son who was an irredeemable punster. No matter the setting he would use the opportunity to make really terrible puns. The troubled patriarch decided to hold an intervention.

He called members of the large and prominent family in from all over the world: Europe, Africa, Latin America, the US, the Far East.

They sat the wayward young man down and one by one they begged him to change his ways.

The son listened to what everyone said without comment, but when the representative from the Cuban side of the family spoke, the boy suddenly stood up.

For the first time expressing genuine emotion, he reached out his hand imploringly and sang:

Don't stop me now...Cousin Havana Guttheim...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shot-Sample4499
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2023
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My kids came out of school and told my partner they have made cards for her for Mother's Day. I asked for a card, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,

on Sonday.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/skilldan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Patel was teaching a boy named Ed basic geometry, which he was failing to grasp even on the most basic levels. He mistook squares for triangles, circles for hexagons and so on...

So Patel tried to go to the lowest level and put a dot on the paper.

"What this, Ed?"

"A line?" the boy replied.

"I... I expected more from you. I'm... This a point, Ed."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alkaath
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Maybe 2023 is my year?

I made a pot of chili yesterday and ate some for lunch today. I said,

"Yum, this is the best chili I've had all year."

And then my wife actually smiled and said, "That's a good one."

The future's looking bright, boys!

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2023
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Obituary for the Pillsbury Dough Boy, Pop N Fresh

The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop N Serve", and/or "Pop N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy will be buried in this lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities will turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site is expected to be piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.

The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eyes_and_teeth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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Merry Christmas to all... πŸŽ…πŸ»

I saved this from r/dadjokes back in 2016, hopefully no one else has posted it recently! 🀣

A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952–2009)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;
Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;
And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;
So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;
There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;
Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;
When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;
He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";
His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;
His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs,
I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs;
His language was foul, his jokes they were crass,
So I opened the door and threw him out on his ass;
But then as I turned, boy was I ever surprised;
I saw what he'd bought me, or so I surmised;
For there in the corner right under the tree,
Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O.V.;
I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone,
He was not in the garden and not on the lawn;
And just when I thought that he couldn't get far,
I realized the old goat had stolen the car;
Off in the distance he said with a wheeze,
"I hated to do it but you left me the keys!";
I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour,
For I'd just sold the car to my idiot neighbour;
And once more he called as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and don't drive when you're tight!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porkchop_d_clown
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2022
🚨︎ report
An old woman took her grandson to the beach.

She was watching him happily playing at the waters edge, wearing his new sailor suit, when out on the horizon appeared a gigantic wave. Before she could react it crashed over the boy and washed him out to sea. The grandmother dropped to her knees and prayed, begging god to return the child. I’ll never ask for anything ever again she pleaded. Miraculously, on the horizon, another wave appeared. It deposited her grandson, unharmed exactly where he was. The old woman looked once more toward heaven and said... He had a hat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HuckFinns_dad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2022
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A dog named Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex".

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "Id like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, Ive had Sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "Im looking for Sex..."

My court date has been set for Friday...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Upset-Muscle6437
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2022
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My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, because these feelings are just too traumatic for you to deal with."

I said, "Honey...we don't have a pool."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2022
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1 boy was named trouble and the other was called shutup. One day trouble got lost so shutup went to the police station and said β€˜I lost my brother’. The police said β€˜what is your name’ β€˜shutup’ the police said β€˜what did you say to me’ β€˜shutup’. The police said β€˜are you looking for trouble’ β€˜yep’
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meme-for-me
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?

Beep Repaired!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mmbossman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A single mother wakes up from a long coma after giving birth to twins.

She asks the doctor "Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!"

The doctor says "Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news."

Immediately thinking the worst, the mother asks "Oh my God, what's wrong?"

"Well, you were recovering for a long time," the doctor says solemnly, "we had to give the children a name. Your brother chose them..."

Shocked, the mother asks "What did he name the girl?"

The doctor lets out a sigh and says "Denise."

"Oh!" The mother says, "That's a lovely name, what about the boy?"

The doctor places a hand on the mother's shoulder, shaking his head he says...

"Denephew."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tenebralupo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2022
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A couple expecting a baby girl made a long list of possible names for a girl child, but only one name in the event that they have a boy. They ended up having a boy.

He was named Justin Case.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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Outdone by my son!

Around Halloween my boy got me good. We were driving and I told him about my idea to make a nativity scene thing for Halloween. A bunch of heroes fighting vampires and such in a grave yard. A Halloween diorama.

He goes: You should make some Halloween diarrhea. That would be some spooky shit!

I laughed so hard, I almost wrecked the car.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dirkspair
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2022
🚨︎ report
What is it called when someone rents a camp from the Boy Scouts for half a week?

A four de lease

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hfoste1380
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
6 years ago today on my birthday. The Baltimore Ravens have won two Super Bowls, both on February 3rd. All a Baltimore boy would like for his cake day is some purple fever! I believe #20 intercepted Colin's ball hence "Ed Reads". I crack myself up.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/717to321
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FancyAlligator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2022
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The greatest newborn baby boy name ever.... Justin, because... wait for it.... he's "JUST IN"
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fyren92694
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2017
🚨︎ report
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time...

The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks, "Do you like potato pancakes?"

"No," comes the answer and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.

"Do you have a brother?"

"No."

After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card, "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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What is the longest name for a boy in the United States, but not in most other countries?

Miles.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roivas14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I went fishing. I was out of worms, but was saving a can of alphabet soup for lunch, so I put some letters on the line and hoped for the best. Moments later, I caught a whopper, and boy, he started talking! The fish said:

"Hooked on phonics worked for me!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Torley_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the boy say to his father when he left for a mexican city?

Ciudad!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/soclydeza84
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2022
🚨︎ report
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy as he left for school?

Bison.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xdefmodex
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the buffalo say to his boy when he left for college....

Bison :(

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kizug360
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the buffalo say to his boy as he dropped him off for college?

Bison

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Melloncollieocr
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2015
🚨︎ report

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