In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d just like to say,
“thank you for your cervix.”
I went to a deli and said, I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
The kid behind the counter said, sorry we only take cash or credit cards
A duck wants into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist: “I’d like some chapstick”
The pharmacist says “but you’re a duck, how are you going to pay for that?”
The duck says “it’s fine, just put it on my bill”
My wife told me that she'd slept with 7 people before we met.
I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.
I’d give me wife the whole ocean
But today she’s only getting a small C-section
Edit: it’s actually true. Today at 10am here in Sweden it’s happening 🙂
My wife said I'd gotten fat since she married me me...
I said "Yeah, you got 50% more of me. That's a great return on investment!"
property owners gone festive!
I’d like to make a joke about chemistry
But all the good ones argon
None of the other subs seem to appreciate my festive Gingerbread house. Maybe you folks would appreciate it?
Ima start spelling weed oui’d cos I can’t say no to it
I'm running a D&D campaign and I figured out the best riddle for the players to solve to open a door.
"Take thine father's blade and ascend!"
>!The solution is Pa's Sword 1234!<
I'd like to meet the dentist that would handle this
I begin my new job tomorrow, proofreading for Merriam-Webster, the online dictionary. I asked them if I'd be starting at nine, and they told me to fuck off.
I'll be starting at aardvark, like everybody else.
I have updated the alphabet for festive period. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z
I told my girlfriend that I thought she’d drawn her eyebrows on too high.
I thought I’d spilt coffee everywhere on my keyboard.
Turns out it was all under CTRL.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling 🎳 '
Thank you for the awards
I used to date a Welsh girl who had 32 D’s
It was a ridiculously long name
If Shrek were attracted to men and women, he’d be bishrexual.
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
So, if you put Arlington County in Virginia together with Washington, D.C.,
Could that area be called AC/DC?
I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes.
My wife found out I cheated when she found all of the letters I'd been hiding
She swore she will never play Scrabble with me again
I’d tell a joke about sentences
My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.
When I asked how he managed to keep count,
He replied, "I keep a log"
No one told me you'd get an allergic reaction if you stood in between Anna Kendrick and Phil Collins
I didn't expect the Anna-Phil-Axis to be so severe.
You'd be hard-pressed to find good cider in this town.
Despite what you'd think, witches really like to shop at Hobby Lobby.
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
Oh! False One, You Have Deceiv'd Me
I’d like to stay for two Knights please.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you’d get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
My mum told me I’d never make a car out of spaghetti...
You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
I'd like to take this moment and say I endorse podiums.
That's a product I can stand behind!
I’d love to start a cheese business
With the holidays near, to set a festive atmosphere at your table, be sure you have a shiny chrome plate to hold your condiment sauce. Why?
Because there is no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
What did the Captain of the Evergreen Cargo ship say when he realised he'd messed up?
Jay-Z is DMing a D&D campaign for his son.
Jay-Z's son is playing a fighter and is engaged in a grueling fight with a troll. The troll is clearly too high a difficulty for the fighter.
"Dad," Jay-Z's son exclaims in frustration. "The troll is destroying me!" Just at that moment, from behind a nearby hill appears an army of goblins led by what appears to be an intoxicated lich.
Jay-Z looks at his son and replies with a smirk, "If you're having troll problems, I feel bad for you, son. I've got 99 goblins and a lich on rum."
When I was a kid I thought we’d all grow up to work with horses
All people ever talked about was getting a stable job...
Some bastard has taken my festive German fruit bread
My friend has a lot of knowledge about Islamic festivals.
G – A – B – C – D – E – G – F#
Damn!
I just majorly fucked up.
Customer: "I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese."
Cashier: "Sorry, we only accept cash."
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