Fancifully Puns

The bill was huge

It was a pirate copy.

Apparently it was Greek yogurt made by Austrians using some sort of Finnish process and sold by a company in Seattle, where she's from.

I said, "Gee, sounds like that yogurt is a product of a lot of different cultures."

She high-fived me. Everyone else in the room groaned.

... and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

Ciroc

Remains to be seen

It had a so"fish"ticated flavor. Cod almighty, this is a terrible joke.

I'm sorry

Ok bomber.

But I'd probably have a go if pushed.

It's Putin on the Ritz

After i finished eating, trying not to be outdone, i asked for the william.

He was Audi control

it was sour though

So they don't have to look at the pores.

It's just bare-bones for them.

It turned out to be a sham

As soon as I saw her, I knew she was the one.

I told him he should drink it, but he said he was waiting for a special occasion. By the time he finally opened the bottle, all the wine had turned to vinegar. He said that the wine wouldn't have been that good anyway, but I think that's just sour grapes.

"sure" I said. "I'm down".

"Lettuce get married."

It was a very romainetic ceremony.

They went to a justice of the peas.

He gave her a 24 carrot ring.

The reception couldn't be beet.

Not bad for a low-level celeryman.

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.

"appundicitis".

(I know there's some fancy medical term for it, but I simply prefer to call it that, because it causes inflammation and loud groans).

The critics panned it.

He just got his first review; great food, no atmosphere

He asks his dad “What’s in that?”

The dad replies “Well, son, that’s your uncle Frank. He wanted to be cremated and put in his favorite beer stein. He said it would be funny.”

The son says “How on earth is that funny?”

The dad replies “Because it’s a Frank in stein.”

I didn't win but at least I can hold my head up high

I once knew a man from Greece. Every day he had breakfast in my father's café. And every day he signed the bill: "σε μένα". Whenever we asked what it meant he just shook his head, laughed, and walked out.

After a few years we became good friends, and he invited me to his birthday meal at a fancy restaurant downtown. He wrote down the address and signed it again, "σε μένα", once again laughing on his way out. When I got there I met his family, including his daughter Helen. When it came time to pay the bill he signed it, as usual, "σε μένα"; as he did Helen looked down at his hands, and she let out a groan. I asked her what the problem was but she just shook her head and walked out. The next day the man told me his daughter had taken quite the fancy to me, and he wrote down her phone number. Once again he signed it, "σε μένα", laughing as he handed it to me.

Helen and I began dating and eventually married. And since he paid for the wedding her father saw to it that his motto was everywhere. It was written on the invitations, balloons, napkins, bunting, you name it. Even the cake had the words inscribed on its side, "σε μένα". I had never seen him so happy as he was on that day.

As a wedding present he left us the family home, and handed us the keys to it with a smile on his face as usual. Sure enough those two words were all over, "σε μένα": fridge magnets, post-it notes, plates, bowls, knives, forks, the front gate, the doormat, the postbox, the bird-bath, even the license plate on his old car. When Helen and I had our first son, he gifted us baby clothes with "σε μένα" written on them, still shaking his head and laughing.

On his deathbed, my father-in-law took my hand and thanked me for all I had done for him and his family. Framed on the wall next to him I saw it written again, "σε μένα".

And one last time I asked him what it meant.

And one last time, the man smiled, shrugged, and with his final breath he laughed and said,

"It's Greek to me."

I just didn't want to wagyu with her any more.

I’m dreading it.

Sans Gruber

He tells the host he has come dressed as a snail.

"But who's the woman?" The host asks, confused.

"Oh, This is Michelle"

This was my 6 year old cousins favourite joke for a while and it still cracks me up especially given the concerned looks the adults share when the joke starts

"Nay."

an Investigator

Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked

It’s called Eau De Lay He Who!

That just blew my mind.

...because he was feline fancy...

For a closet racist.

I said: ''I thought you were coming dressed as an apology?'' He said: 'Well, I thought I'd better be safe than sorry''.

Mozzarella.

That's my victorious secret.

I decided to woo her.

Fancy is a lovely name.

On the way home I got mugged.

Me: Well, that’s your Uncle Frank. That’s where he wanted his remains. It was his favorite beer stein. He always said it would be funny. Never understood why.

Son: Maybe it’s so he could be Frank in Stein

Me: That son of a bitch!