I’m tickled about that new, exclusive liquid adhesive.

Gucci, Gucci Glue.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jester57
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
🚨︎ report
There’s a ghost that exclusively haunts city hall in the evening...

He’s a Night Mayor

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/linkhandford
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a subreddit exclusively for the letter Q?

A Q-mmunity.

I see the exit door.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CharlieRanger-04
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a delivery driver who exclusively works with Indian restaurants?

A curryer.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phatbatt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I want to start a gas company that deals exclusively in fuel derived from dog fossils. It’s going to be called Paw Petrol.
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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My uncle drink dialed me the other night and told me he was going on an exclusively almond diet.

I said, "That's just nuts."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boodahbellie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm thinking of starting a new website, exclusively so people can subscribe to Ninja Sex Party cover bands.

It's called OnlyDans.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhoShizzity
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My Dad is a mathematician and exclusively has cake for dessert...

...because having Pi would be too irrational.

πŸ‘︎ 332
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grima_OrbEater
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Not exclusive to the Xbox One X
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlameExploision
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
People might think a restaurant exclusively for sea mammals seems pointless...

But I know it will serve a porpoise.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I met a farmer who exclusively feeds his cows marijuana.

The steaks have never been higher.

I'm sorry. I don't often do steak puns. It's a medium rarely done well. 😏

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πŸ‘€︎ u/4Big2Head0
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Sailing aboard the new cruise liner SS Penis is by invitation only.

It's an exclusive member ship.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Crowbar

A tavern exclusively for birds of the genus Corvus

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/C0LL3CT
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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When a baby is born, the parents get indoctrinated into a very exclusive group.

The sleep deprivation society of parenting.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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President Trump exclusively uses MacOS

because Windows and Linux are too PC

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hibdob
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
🚨︎ report
when asked why he exclusively painted with coffee, he said he just needed to espresso himself
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sarah_Connor
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2017
🚨︎ report
It's a missed opportunity that no one's made a Canadian exclusive dating app called "Cana-Dates".
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2018
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I've been trying to get into this exclusive barber shop for months now . . .

But I can never make the cut.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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My dad set up a booth at a Renaissance Fair where people can dress up as Frodo from Lord of the Rings exclusively.

It was his Frodo-Booth.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheScarletSho
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Ron Howard has started a pizza chain exclusively for Redditors.

It’s calledβ€” Opie delivers.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
🚨︎ report
you hear Apple is releasing a self driving vehicals exclusively in russia?

it's called the I-van

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubeykeebler
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2017
🚨︎ report
I almost exclusively eat raisin bran

Some would go so far as calling me a cereal monogamist.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ironandtwine9
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad always said if he ever started a band he'd name in "Turd" and tour exclusively with Korn
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/relaxTD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2015
🚨︎ report
My son is driving my wife and I crazy.

My boy, Arthur, is slow. He is the slowest child I’ve ever met. And I don’t mean mentally, he just doesn’t move quickly at all no matter what the urgency.

He takes an hour to get out of bed and stand up in the morning. He takes an hour to eat. When we go anywhere we have to tell him 20 minutes in advance because he takes that long to get his shoes on. His showers…we had to install an industrial sized water heater and hook it up to his shower exclusively because he would drain the tank and shower in ice cold water and started getting sick from it.

The worst part is that even if you help him out he doesn’t go faster. We can feed him and he’ll just swallow slower. We can wash him and he’ll just sit there for longer.

I’ve learned to live with it and be content because I know he won’t change. But my wife can’t take it. Just the other day she told me she was going to punish him to make him go quicker:

β€œI’ve had it with him! I’m going to start giving him timeouts and taking away toys for going so slow!”

β€œHoney,” I said, β€œit’ll never work.”

β€œWhy not?!”

β€œBecause you can’t rush Art.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bunselpower
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a convention exclusively for women who have sisters with children?

an Auntie social.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CptnUltraBlast
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2015
🚨︎ report
Tim Vine is a standup comedian that tells almost exclusively dad jokes.

If you'd like to watch a video of him, here's one, or you could watch him on youtube.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DulceyDooner
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2014
🚨︎ report
I bought a desk lamp for a dirt cheap price but it broke the day after. Went to the store to complain but I couldn’t get it fixed or refunded.

The store’s manager told me that I bought a one night stand.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DAY_DREAM3R
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I was told I have a very β€œdry” sense of humor.

That makes sense, because I tell my jokes exclusively on land.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpoonEndedHammer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Fast Food at Work

I was at work today speaking with a few of my coworkers when we start talking about lunch. Two of my coworkers start talking about fast food restaurants they like going to when:

CW: I try not to eat fast food, but I really can’t help myself sometimes!

Me: I try to eat the slowest food possible, which is why I exclusively eat Tortoises.

CW: Well, all ofβ€”

It took them a couple seconds, but when they all looked at me with that β€œoh my gosh, you said what?” look, it made it all worth it.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thatisus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2017
🚨︎ report
Why should you never buy a car from the Soviet Union?

They keep Lenin to the left and Stalin. They also exclusively paint in red.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BadassNyan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2016
🚨︎ report
Negativity joke from my dad. (as emailed)

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband..

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

scroll down.....

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joe630
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2014
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my mom.

My mom brought a sandwich home. I asked what she had.Said she had a club. So of course I asked "Is it exclusive?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kendo16
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2014
🚨︎ report
The lever bee.

This was always one of my dad's favorites to tell us.

A long time ago, there was a beehive in the middle of a forest. Every day, as worker bees do, they would go out into their fields, gather pollen from the flowers, and bring it back to make honey.

The bees had a problem, though, because every so often an intruder would come around, such as a bear who wanted the honey, or kids who thought it'd be fun to throw rocks at the hive. Finally, the bees got tired of it.

Being the intelligent bees that they are, they built an alarm system for the hive. They built it such that one bee pulls a lever, which triggers the alarm that the bees will hear from the fields, and then the bees can come back to protect their home.

There was one bee who was exclusively assigned that job, and he was aptly named the "Lever Bee." His job was to watch for potential adversaries, and pull the lever to raise the alarm.

Now clearly, the safety of the hive depends on this one Lever Bee. So it stands to reason that he has to be constantly ready and on the alert so that he can do his job.

And that, friends, is why people say, "I'm as ready as a Lever Bee."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kentron
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2013
🚨︎ report
[Coffee]

When asked why he exclusively painted with coffee, he stated he just needed to Esspresso himself

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sarah_Connor
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2017
🚨︎ report

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