I was escorted by the Bachelorette 4000AI to dinner last night and I must say;

Its the best technological advancement to date!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DisLuvv
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
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My friend and I went to a basketball game dressed like dancing chickens, and got immediately escorted out of the arena.

Because two flagrant fowls means an automatic ejection.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
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The CEO of Honda was fired and had to be escorted out of the building.

He did not leave on his own Accord.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
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My kid really needed to go to the bathroom, so I stopped by a corner store so he could go. 5 minutes later I see him being escorted out by police officers.

Kid crying: β€œWhat I’m sorry what did I do wrong?! My dad told me to go take a leek!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chooboto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
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What did Avril Lavigne say when her escort ended up being an undercover cop?

All this time you were pretending? So much for my happy ending.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCRiotz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him β€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining β€œjingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. β€œRudolph” β€œFrosty the Snowman” β€œDrummer Boy” even β€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. β€œ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. β€œNO honey it really works watch!” β€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. β€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out β€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hipphazy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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If everyone in the country had a pink Cadillac

We’d have a pink car-nation!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2ndbreakfastfan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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I filled my Escort up with diesel

Well that killed her quickly....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LilGingeyboi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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My postman is a male escort
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smiffy60
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2016
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What did the thief say when he was arrested for stealing from the kitchen?

It was a whisk he was willing to take.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trg30809
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
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I just got a job offer to be a medieval escort.

Unfortunately, it means I have to work fucking knights.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaingunXD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2015
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House Fire

When I was a kid, my favourite thing ever was tractors. It was my first word, my first toy, I had posters of them on my bedroom walls and I loved to draw them too. Unfortunately with age I don’t quite have the same amount of passion nowadays. This all became relevant recently as there was this house fire on my street last week. My instincts told me to enter the house to save the family inside as the Fire Service hadn’t arrived yet. I was able to break down a door and actually clear all of the smoke from the house saving everyone inside. I escorted them out to be greeted by the Fireman who had just arrived. Puzzled, they asked how on earth I was able to clear all the smoke. I simply replied β€œI’m an extractor fan”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpecialBKay
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
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I wish I lived in the days of Stagecoaches. I would have loved to have the job riding shotgun..

And bragging to all my friends that I am a Mail Escort.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jgpitre
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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The long game

So a bus conductor in America was doing his job one day, happily printing and checking tickets all day long, enjoying the country views and feeling good about life.

A young lad gets on, chewing gum and being as loud and rude as all teenage lads are. There’s no-one else on the bus, so the conductor takes his ticket machine and bops the lad over the head, killing him. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that they’re making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.

On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards arrive to escort him to the chair. As the executioner flicks the switch, nothing happens. All of the equipment is checked and works, but has no effect on the bus conductor. Under the law, this counts as a reprieve and he is released.

He gets his job back and puts the whole incident behind him. Until one day, a little old lady gets on the bus and starts to pay for a ticket in one cent coins. After about 10 minutes of fiddling with change, the conductor runs out of patience and bops the old lady on the head, killing her. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that they’re making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.

On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards arrive to escort him to the chair. As the executioner flicks the switch, nothing happens. All of the equipment is checked and works, but has no effect on the bus conductor. Under the law, this counts as a reprieve and he is released.

After getting his job back again, life seems to go well for the conductor, until one day a young lady gets on the bus, casually putting her feet on the seat opposite. By now, the conductor is a little less lenient than in years gone by, so he takes his ticket machine and bops her over the head with it, killing her. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that they’re making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.

On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards ar

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BloodAngel1982
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2018
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When I was 8, I'd outgrown my bike so the seat needed to be higher. Off to Dad for help!

Me : "Dad, higher my seat!"

Dad : "Okay." [points at bicycle seat] "YOU'RE HIRED!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/show_time_synergy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2014
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How do you call a norwegian hooker?

Fjord Escort

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πŸ‘€︎ u/meelisss
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2018
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Dangerous firemen...

There are certain communities that the fire brigade need to call the police for an escort for their safety...

Sounds like a heated situation

Edit: typo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dave_wuz_here
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
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What do you call a prostitue that only works for law enforcement branches of the government?

Police Escort

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Seaweed_17
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
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A Punny Story

A director and a costume designer had a disagreement over a critical shot in the horror movie they were filming in their studio.

The director planned to use CGl for a brief but critical reveal-shot of the movie's monster. But the costume designer insisted they use an actual costume instead of CGl.

"CGl makes a movie look cheap these days," she proclaimed.

The two of them continued debating until they began arguing. The stage crew, actors on break, and other people around them began watching until both the costume designer and director were shouting over each other at the top of their lungs. Despite their efforts, nobody could calm them down.

Fearing the incident may lead to blows, one of cameramen called a studio security guard in urgent request. The guard arrived a minute later and made a beeline for the director and costume designer, who were being held back by multiple people on set.

"lt's my movie. l make the decisions!" the director hollered, hoarse and red in the eyes.

"The movie quality will suffer!" the costume designer screamed, hair plastered across her sweaty face.

The security guard stepped in-between them and raised his pistol at the ceiling without a word. They continued to argue around him. There was a bark of gunshot, then nothing but silence and some falling plaster.

"Now see here," the guard said loudly, stepping back to look at the two of them. "Either you two quit your bickering or l'll have to escort you off the premises. You're making a scene."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaronVA
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2017
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I left my Ritalin in my Ford Fiesta...

It's now a Ford Focus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/starryem
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2015
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My father and space travel...

I have been watching our 'tax payer funded' spaceman Major Tim Peake's intergalactic adventures with very limited interest and have done some some pretty basic arithmetic. The ISS is 250 miles above the Earth,and Tim and his spaceman mates took off at 11am -ish, and it took 7 hrs to get there. Fuck me that is just a little over 35 mph, my first car an mk1 escort would have got there quicker!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/z-2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2016
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