I wonder if talking about Freud gave him a bigger ego?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/agoddamdamn
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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I can't believe he ego of that cannibal who bet me he could eat his own leg!

That guy is just full of himself!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Seannj222
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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Man, this solar eclipse is hurting my ego..

It just feels like I'm living in the moon's shadow.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BabyYodaIsBest
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
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Bridezillas have altar egos
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AZachOfTheClones
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2017
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Did you hear about the guy who had an ego trip after taking Viagra?

He got a big head.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HXCg4m3r
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2018
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Hey did you guys ever hear about Geddy Lee's alter ego?

He was a musician by day

But he was a FLY BY NIGHT!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blindsquirrel1550
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2017
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My dad adopts an alter ego any time he farts

He starts shadow boxing and proclaiming he is "Gaseous Clay" and "he is the greatest"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jty87
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2016
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My mate David had his ID stolen...

... I now call him Dav.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gbuckingham89
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
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What would you call a psychologist who doesn't do his taxes?

A Sigmund Fraud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MJ23isgod
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.

It’s his altar ego.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
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Did you hear about the conceited minister?

...he had an altar ego.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pewper
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
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What does a man desperate to urinate do in a room full of arrogant people?

Egos everywhere.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
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My friend David lost his ID...

Now he is no longer instinctual, with only his super-ego left. Is this a psycho-babble joke? Yes, I'm a-Freud so.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
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A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change in the pulpit.

At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

"Ah," he said, "That's my altar ego."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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My friend David lost his ID!!!

He became a nicer man, in fact much nicer, since his super-ego and ego took over.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
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I called Serena Williams to interview her for a magazine article and asked, β€œSo Serena, What’s your favorite planet?”

Her: It’s Venus.

Me: I’m sorry Venus. Could you put Serena on the phone?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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What do you call a baby sitter for chickens?

Chicken tenders

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ftbh
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call waffles on the beach

Sandy-egos

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skycraft-ak
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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Just chose my new name!

I just picked out my new name in case I ever have to enter the witness protection program.

It's Walter Ego. :D

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πŸ‘€︎ u/raven21633
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2018
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My Thanksgiving Confession

Hey guys. As I'm sure most of you know, it's currently Thanksgiving in Canada. This time of year for me has, in the past, caused a lot of issues in my life.

To give a little bit of background on me, I'm usually an extremely healthy and fit guy, as I play high-level sports and have a physically demanding job. However, for much of my life, my willpower began to crumble around this time of year.

I first started taking my diet seriously when I was about 12 years old. I had some kind of realization where like, I dunno, I started looking at how jacked these movie stars were and was all, "wow, I want to be that cool too." Judging by the bowl cut I had when I was 12, my perception of cool may have been a little skewed, but I digress.

Anyhow, it was my first Thanksgiving where everything started falling apart. One of my relative's families ended up no-showing for dinner, so we were left with a load of Thanksgiving leftovers. For the next week, every single meal or snack I had was Thanksgiving themed. Sandwich? Turkey sandwich. Breakfast? Let's dollop some cranberry sauce on that bad boy. By the next week, my BGC (blood gravy content) was probably at like 1.0%.

You'd think I'd be sick of holiday food after that. But no. I loved it.

The tradition of refrigerated Thanksgiving snacks continued throughout the rest of my teen years. Like clockwork, the numbers on the scale would significantly jump upwards in October, with Halloween candy adding an extra layer of calories on top. By the time I reached 17, my waist had begun noticeably ballooning, and I realized it was all due to Thanksgiving turkey. Sure, I had some at Christmas and sometimes at Easter, but never like that. My mother would encourage this habit, making more food each year to be stuffed into our packed refrigerator.

The movie star bod I wanted for so much at the age of 12 was slipping a way. I needed to put an end to this.

Flash forward to October 2015, age 18. I had made a vow: I never again would place such putrid poultry onto my tastebuds. And ever since that fateful week of 2014, my vow had held true.

Each Thanksgiving, I can feel that craving for chilled turkey knocking on the refrigerator door of my fragile ego. For three years, I've held strong. But when will the garrison fall? When will that soft, biting flesh of the big bird smash it's way back into my life.

But so far, I've quit cold turkey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/M3gaC00l
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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Actually heard out loud...

Situation: My wife was having a conversation about the Oscars, and Pharrell Williams was mentioned.....

Dad: So, is that Will Ferrel's alter-ego?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/patchy_22
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
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Why are Americans so arrogant?

Because their national bird is the ego!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iZacAsimov
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2017
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I happened to see one of my pals dressed as a priest

Apparently its his altar ego

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iTubbs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
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Have you heard of the superhero Priest-Man?

He's my altar ego.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2016
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Village Idiot Puns

Way back when I was a kid, for my school's Renaissance Faire-esque fundraiser, I went around wearing a sign that read "Vilage Idiot". When guests asked why, I'd reply, "I wasn't always the village idiot...

  • β€œI used to be a tailor... but it didn't quite suit me... It was only a so-so job.”
  • β€œI once was a lumberjack... but I couldn't hack it... so they gave me the axe.”
  • β€œI was a fisherman too... I just couldn't live off my net income.”
  • β€œI thought about being a witch for a spell.”
  • β€œI tried being a chef... but I just didn't have enough thyme for it.”
  • β€œI was a musician once... but I didn't accomplish anything noteworthy.”
  • β€œFor awhile I was a doctor... but I didn't have the patience to keep it up.”
  • β€œI once was a accountant... but I lost interest. The job was too taxing.”
  • β€œI tried moonlighting as a nun... but I confess, they didn't like my altar ego... or my bad habits.”
  • β€œMore recently, I was a baker... but I couldn't make enough dough at it... Guess I wasn't bred for the job.”
  • β€œHeck, I was even king for a day... but I didn't have any crowning achievements.”

...And so now, here I am: village idiot, just like my father was. Ah... my father, he was the best village idiot we ever had. It's hard living in his shadow sometimes. You see, my father was a complete idiot! ...I'm just a half-wit.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ason42
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2016
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Turns out my wife is a dad...

This morning as we were preparing for the day she turned to me and said, "I'm the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything." As I looked at her somewhat shocked at this rare display of ego it dawned on me that today is her 42nd birthday and I fell in love all over again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bokanovsky_Jones
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2016
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Want some lotion?

I actually pulled this one off two days ago in history (not even a dad):

Girl next to me: I can't even talk talk to you, just crack me up

Me: Well I can get you some lotion.

It took her a full 2 seconds to get it and started laughing so much, and to boost my ego even more the teacher had heard it and started laughing too, and that's how I got my 5 seconds of fame. I know, not the best but I just wanted to share

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πŸ‘€︎ u/muffinscat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2015
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My friend made this joke but I think it still counts.

I was having dinner with about 6 friends. I was boasting about some game we all play and that I was the best at it.

When one of my friend asks me; Do you want me to pull up a chair and plate for you ego?

And instantly an other friend says: Naa, he is already full of himself!

That was about two years ago and I still hear that joke from time to time

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AxothFinalHour
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2016
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What do you call it when a priest has multiple personality disorder?

They've got an altar ego.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dimentioze
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2014
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Told my husband I wanted Waffle House...

He opened the freezer, pulled our some Egos and said "I'm gonna have Waffle Apartment. Haha! Get it? Waffle. Apartment."

I couldn't help but laugh as our two year old gave a courtesy laugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ClevergirlOswin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2016
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I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest.

It's his altar ego.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mojo884ever
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
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I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest.

It's his altar ego.

πŸ‘︎ 126
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πŸ‘€︎ u/washcapsfan37
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest

It’s his altar ego

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GabeRothel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2018
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I just found my friend has a secret life as a priest.

It's his altar ego.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
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