Dog Pee Puns

K9P.

Urine luck!

Urine trouble!

There are no canaries there either.

What's the chemical name for the stuff inside a fire hydrant?

-H2O

What's the chemical name for the stuff outside the hydrant?

-K9P

A Retiree's Last Trip to Sam's Club

Yesterday I was at Sam's Club, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two handfuls every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care,because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

My daughter asked why does the dog have to stop to smell every tree, bush and pole?? I told her, he’s just checking his Pee Mail...

While making dinner, The Wife spills a bag of frozen peas on the floor. She's instantly red faced.

I knew I had to tread carefully

"Man, if the dog did that you'd be yelling at her for peeing all over the floor."

She tried so hard not the laugh and she failed.

I went to my parents place today for lunch, during the course of the meal, the conversation turned towards my cat and his goings on, I mentioned a problem he's been having with peeing on my couch, probably due to separation anxiety because it only happens when I'm out of the apartment for extended periods of time. Upon hearing this, the following exchange occurs:

Dad: We don't have that problem.

Me: (Assuming he's referring to their dog) Yea? That's good.

Dad: Yea, your mother was on a cruise all of last week and I didn't pee on the couch once!