Disclaimer: this is my 5 year old son's joke. He is a dad in the making. "Everest is the biggest mountain. Mount Fuji is the prettiest. Which mountain is the stinkiest?"


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πŸ‘€︎ u/Musicferret
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
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Disclaimer: not a joke, looking for some help.

I'm looking for some good dad jokes to make my middleschoolers groan throughout the school year.

Do you have a favorite joke that would be great on the whiteboard in a middle school classroom? I'd love to hear it. Thanks!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pooty_Taynk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
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For a temp job I had to conduct surveys on the street and often times people would reluctantly comply disclaiming to "Keep it short please!"

So my question was: What do you know about dwarves?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Str41nGR
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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A man walks into a bar with a mysterious box under his arms.

Bartender: "Hold on there buddy, what's in the box?"

Man: "I'll show you if you give me a free drink

The bartender agrees and the man lifts the lid of the box to show a tiny man, who starts playing an equally tiny piano.

Bartender: "That's amazing! Where did you find him?"

Man: "There's a genie outside granting free wishes. But if you go out there, be sure to speak up, because I think he is hard of hearing."

Bartender: "Why do you say that?"

Man: "Do you think I would've wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"

Disclaimer: Not original.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iNeedHealing24_7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
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I just told my neighbor, Mr. Claimer he was ugly, but not to get mad.

it was my disclaimer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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My ex is going to make some guy really happy one day.

That's it though, just once.. After that the poor slob will be miserable until he gets rid of her. Badum tiss... *disclaimer.. This was a real conversation whilst I was packing her things to put them out by the curb.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rare_Breed721
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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This is fantastic v.redd.it/7k5p6jemzf821
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jonah-1903
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
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What do you get if you give a boat drugs?

A speedboat

[Disclaimer]: I don’t encourage the use of drugs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Miloklaas
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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Mother: What shall we name him?

Disclaimer, I am a mom, not a dad and my teenager gave me a dirty look when I told her this joke which I was very pleased to think up.

[Scene: Hospital Delivery Room.

Father holding his bundled newborn.

Mother of the child looking on lovingly from hospital bed.]

Mother: What shall we name him?

Father: His name is Mike.

(drops baby)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StcStasi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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Dad, I know how to stay awake for 8 days!

It's easy, I just sleep during the nights.

*(disclaimer -- this dadjoke was delivered deadpan by my daughter. She is truly becoming a master)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jujutsujoe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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Went to a friend's house and was offered dessert.

They offered me a disclaimer. "The custard tastes good, but the consistency isn't normal"

I responded "Oh, so it's off-pudding?"

Only her father laughed with me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kvekva
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2016
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x-post from /r/talesfromretail. Customer was classic /r/dadjoke material.

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.

C: Do it

Fuck, he's one of these guys...

Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.

At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.

C: Do I have to use my real name?

PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY

Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.

C: Oh ok.

I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.

C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?

I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.

Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter

C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.

I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.

Oh that's an easy fix

Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.

C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"

Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.

I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.


... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CountBlah_Blah
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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Are dad joke stories ok?

Context: babysitter said my 5yo son drove him nuts today (while directing it to previously mentioned son). "To the point where I wanted to yell" "STOP" at him."

I turned to him and said,, "Collaborate and listen. We're all here in the name of love so please don't bug your uncle when he's trying to get something done. Or it's hammer time.

^^^(disclaimer. my bro understands and is not mad about him being curious nor would I punish him for being so, or, with a hammer)^^^

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ILiveOnNSQ
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2017
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My stepdad cheers me up and brings me down at the same.

Disclaimer: not a regular dad joke.

My wife (+ step kids) and I split up earlier this year and I told my stepdad I was feeling pretty bummed out with it being Father's Day and me now kidless, so I rode my motorcycle to the beach to get some wings. He said "don't worry about it, if I had the choice between being a father or getting wings, I would have gotten wings too." Can't decide if I should feel better or worse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Peabo721
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2017
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Road trip facepalm

Disclaimer: Told by a non-father

American Woman comes on radio

"Guess who plays this song..."

car passengers start to guess the band

"No, Guess Who (the band) plays this song"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/therealdonniej
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2016
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What does the Hamburglar get convicted of?

Patty theft.

(Disclaimer: Stolen from Pete Holmes, but he's the daddiest non-dad on TV)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lying_Dutchman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2014
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Two doctors sit in a bar...

Doc.1: "You won't believe it. Today I got a guy over at the hospital. he had EIGHT plastic horses up his ass!"

Doc.2: "Goodness... What's his condition?"

Doc.1: "Stable."

(Disclaimer: I wish I had been the first to think of this, sadly I wasn't. I've got no clue who came up with this, but I bet he was a dad.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/doubleUsee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2014
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Too soon?

Disclaimer: I'm not a Dad.

Yesterday my sister posted on facebook that her son had had a collision with a coffee table, the result of which is 6 stitches next to his eye, and his eye has swollen up.

My facebook response: "Sounds like he'll be eyeing the coffee table sideways for a little while."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nibrox
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2014
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Regarding laundry

"When the washer is done, could you do a favor and put it in the dryer?"

"I can try but i doubt it'll fit"


Disclaimer: I am not a father.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyjeffy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
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My coworker said, "It's been one year since I started working at this bag store!"

So I told him, "Happy anni-purse-sury!"

Disclaimer: Not a parent or male.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JackiJinx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2013
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Disclaimer: I don't have my own kids yet but I have a lot younger cousins

Whenever someone tells me a story, I always tell them

"If you had a box of crayons, you could color me impressed"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brown_Machismo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2013
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