Too much sax and violins.
BOOOOOO
That’s why we also call them the Infantry.
Was at dinner tonight with my girlfriends family and her sister brought her new puppy over. Their step dad left the room momentarily and the puppy followed him.
GF: Oh, jeeze <step dad>, you've got a little stalker!!
Me: Oh no!!! We better call the pawlice!
Rest of table: <audible groans>
I'm only 22, but I like to think I have a bit of dad in me already.
Me: “How was the gym?”
My wife (pregnant with our first): “It was awesome, I did 45 minutes of spinning”
Me: “Jeez, you must be dizzy!”
Wife: (just shakes her head in disapproval)
Is this a new joke or did I subconsciously steal it from somewhere? Also is it any good?! Am I ready to be a dad??
Ricotta
A man swings his club and fails to hit the ball.
Man: God damnit, I missed.
A nun shakes her head in disapproval. The man swings again and misses yet again
Man: Damnit, I missed again!
Nun: Sir, if you keep on swearing like that, you're gonna go to hell.
The man then laughs and dismisses the nun's comment. He makes one more attempt at hitting the ball, but to no avail.
Man: God fucking damnit!
The sky then goes dark, a lightning bolt strikes the nun, and you can hear a thundery voice say, "God damnit, I missed."
He's doing a mission (I'm barley paying attention). I glance up and there's 2 cop cars trying to stop him. They get on either side of him and pinch him to a stop.
Son: Dang. The cops got me.
Me: What happened? Did they cop block you? (still chuckling to myself)
BTW, He's only 7 years old. He has no idea why I thought it was funny. My wife gave me the look of disapproval, so success was had.
Edit: I just want to let everyone know that I didn't notice my barely/barley mistake until after the hop joke below. Thanks.
When I was growing up I asked my dad what Cinco de Mayo was about. He said it was Mexico's version of the Boston Tea Party, where they threw mayo off a ship and people were yelling "sink-o de mayo!"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSf00ewCiko&feature=youtu.be&t=180
Includes all the important aspects of a good dad joke:
- Innocent setup by unsuspecting teammate
- Perfect delivery of terrible dad joke
- High five from another shameless dad nearby
- Look of severe disapproval from contest judge who can't believe you just did that in front of your entire country
The waitress came to take our order, starting with my heavily pregnant wife. When the waitress asked how my wife would like her eggs, I quickly replied: Fertilized!
Waitress laughed her head off, wife gave disapproving look.
A coworker was looking through our tea selection at work and said "I could really go for some sleepy time tea right now, too bad we don't have any at the office."
To which, I replied, "Why would our office stock sleepy time tea? We might as well just have unproductivi-tea."
He just shook his head in disapproval.
Her name was Ninety and she had three kids. One day, the kids found a stray cat in their backyard and they decided to take care of it. However, they knew that their mother would disapprove, so in order to keep it a secret, they used "This" when referring to the cat. Eventually, the cat died of old age and the kids moved on with their lives. Therefore, only Ninety's kids will remember This.
While my dad (Frank) was planning a trip to America he said "When I'm in America, they'll change San Francisco to San Frankcisco!"
I looked up and responded with "Yeah, I heard after some Scandinavian guy visited New York it was changed to New Björk"
Looks of disapproval all around. I did it.
Edit: Punctuation
Talking to a co-worker and she asks what time it is
"Time to go to the dentist"
"What? Why's that?"
"Well, its two-thirty, isn't it"
The shrivelling look of disapproval I got was a true honour.
Her: I want some bow's.
Me: You already have some, el-bows.
Her: NOOOOO (My three year old has perfected the disapproving groan of a bad dad joke.)
I was getting a haircut and the woman asked if I knew where Horse Neck Beach was. I replied right below Horse Head Beach! Cue her disapproving glare...
...but he didn't feel like it. So, she took his hand and high-fived him anyway and said, "I stole I high five!"
I looked at her disapprovingly and said, "That was a low five."
GF: If you hang your cardigan like that you might put a hole in it!
ME: It actually already has a couple holes in it.
She starts frantically examining the cardigan for holes.
GF: Where?!
ME: Where my arms go through!
Nothing beats the groan of disapproval after successfully landing a dad joke.
Sitting waiting to pick up my sister from work and she was saying how my dad is not helping with her stress levels specially now that shed been diagnosed with heart issues. I said to her " maybe you should stop taking it to heart so much" completely unaware of it till she gave me a disapproving look
My husband and I were sitting on the couch last night as I was looking up recipes for homemade energy bars, one recipe called for dried dates to add sweetness. My husband asked me "Are dates good for you?" to which I replied "Well I think they definitely help to strengthen a relationship, so yes"
I got the glare of amused disapproval.
Some friends and I got together and went to a pub to celebrate the turning of the year.
We ordered our food and drinks a few minutes before 12am. As it struck midnight, the entire bar celebrated, and all the waitresses took a break and hugged and wished each other.
It took them a while to get back to serving all the orders. When our waitress finally brought our order, it was well past midnight.
At this point I couldn't stop giggling like a little school girl, but my friends gave me a look of disapproval.
As she was putting the dishes on the table, I said to her, "What took you so long? We've been waiting all year".
Dead silence.
One out my friends looks down in shame, the other looked to the waitress, waiting for her reaction.
She had frozen, her arm holding the dish above the table. Without looking directly at me, she said in dry voice "good one".
But as she put the remainder of the order on the table and turned away, I saw a smile on her face.
This has been a high point for me all year long.
Today in my classical saxophone class one of the upperclassmen wanted to plan a get together for all of the saxophone majors.
Him: What do your evenings look like?
Me: Dark
More than 30 disapproving college students: Groan
Mom: Did you hear about Catherine's dad? Me: no. Mom: You know he has Alzheimer's? Wife: That's terrible Mom: Yeah, they couldn't find his hearing aid. They found it in his dogs shit! Me: Man you don't hear about shit like that every day. Mom & wife: just stared at me with disapproval.
