Message me and Iโll give the link!
IPA: /ci.loหk.ki.ta/
I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.
Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.
Do your worst!
I'm surprised it hasn't decade.
For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies ๐
It really does, I swear!
Well, the 40k limit strikes again. Had to cut some stuff until next chapter. Life's been busy as heck, but the next chapter's mostly complete, should drop it in fairly soon, then we can get to death, explosions, and more fun.
It's been such an issue that I can't even 'next' in Award pt. I because it is at that 40k limit. I can't put the link in. (Something in there has to go. I eliminated the "First" chapter link in it- but yeah. It's being a major fly in the ointment. Award was always a doozy to write, and tedious, but important. It has always been about setting the stage. We'll see what shakes out.)
Alien-Nation Chapter 76: Award (pt. II)
Iโd been inside Archmereโs presentation hall, once. The ceiling was like a coloured sky of stained glass, spots of radiance obscuring white clouds on a blue background. Rays shining through to reach the outskirts of vibrant spots before the stained glass ended, greeted by brassy metallics, wooden beams and ceramic tiles. The human natural and ancient materials, and even a fountain in the center of the room gave the whole inside a very intimate, and human-scale sense of proportions.
It also was far too small to be used for the sheer number of visitors, apparently. Which meant this whole affair was set to be carried out on the wide grassy lawn in front of the building. I couldnโt even begin to count the number of people sitting in front of me now, waiting for me to open my mouth and either make a fool of myself or carve out my footnote in history. The odd proportions of the chairs and the female Shil'vati dwarfing the humans sitting beside them threw off any estimates I could have hoped to make.
I took a deep breath in.
Donโt even try and count them, we donโt have all day up here.
I launched into it in High Shilโ.
โGentlemen and Ladies, thank you all for coming. I admit that itโs a considerably larger audience than Iโd been assured would be in attendance, but it is still excellent to see all of you gathered here today.โ
I could hear a few murmurs of breath as I spoke in High Shilโ, and, if everything was going to plan, an English translation should have appeared on the display screen behind me. I reminded myself to raise my voice a bi
... keep reading on reddit โกTheyโre on standbi
Chapter 12
Captain Hellie was finally cleaning things up. The tragedy of Yellow pod was not a concern; they had paid in full for their blunder. Hellie was in no way responsible for any of their failures and once she was reinforced she would clear the mining village. Pincher Creek was well under her control, the citizens had been gathered, and she secured one of the translation devices the techies had whipped up.
That's why she was currently standing on the slagged husk of one of the human APCs addressing the town's occupants gathered on the now empty highway. An elderly human male stood next to her and the banners of the empire hung off of the overpass behind her.
She felt like a hero of the Empire. If the fight they had given Yellow pod and her Cadre were any indication, the humans were going to make an excellent addition to the empire, despite their diminutive size. In a few years their might, skill, and endurance would be added to the empires and perhaps finally tip the scales in the centuries long stalemate between them, the Alliance, and the Consortium.
"Humans of Canada! My name is Captain Hellie of her Empresses Marines. My race is known as the Shil'vati." The blach box by her feet barked out her words robotically in their language. "Your planet has the honor of being deemed worthy to join our Empire. Rejoice, your child will be able to take their rightful place among the stars with the hand of the Empress herself to guide your species." She turned to the elderly man at her side. "Your illustrious mayor will now help guide you thru the process of acquiring your new Imperial papers and citizenship." There was no thunderous applause after her speech, which was disappointing but expected. Captain Hellie knew it took the beaten Rakiri a while before their tails wagged again, but she knew that history would show this a glorious day in Earth's history.
"Err right. Like the captain saidโฆ." The mayor started as Hellie made her way off the makeshift stage.
A large armed transport ship flew overhead landing in the shopping center's lot. Hellie made her way over, delighted that her reinforcements had arrived early.
As she made her way over a wave relief washed over her; she had worried she would have to make do with whatever miniscule reinforcement command could scrounge up. She had even heard horror stories of some positions being reinforced with Militia girls. But judging by the five Pods and six EXOโs exiting the back of the transport she had nothing
... keep reading on reddit โก
Because she wanted to see the task manager.
Pilot on me!!
Nothing, he was gladiator.
I am not the original poster. This is a repost.
This is reposted with permission from u/00_Joe_Snow with update his messaged me at the bottom. Originally posted 4 years ago in r/legaladvice.
Thank you again, u/00_Joe_Snow, for granting permission and giving a final update!
After 60 Years, property retailer is claiming they own the mineral rights and will be exercising them.
Ok guys, hereโs a good one for you. Hits a little bit of everything. Tree law, rockโฆ..law, property sales, legal conflict of interest, ethics complaints. Might even do a shitty MS Paint drawing!
Located in small town Tennessee. Sixty years ago, my grandmother bought a piece of undeveloped wooded area about 50 acres in size. Nothing fancy, something to be left to the family when she passes. Fast forward to this year. Douchebag Properties (DBP) is claiming that they own the mineral rights on that piece of dirt and that they are going to be exercising those rights to remove rock off the property for sale. They want us to sign a hold harmless agreement and a bunch of paperwork essentially saying that if anything goes wrong itโs not their fault, not their problem, and the property owner takes full liability. And they need this contract signed ASAP because they want to get started before the weather turns cold. Basically, trying to pull a fast one on a 90 year old grandmother.
We did some digging. Apparently they do own the mineral rights (future lawsuit incoming; original seller claimed was selling mineral estate and surface estate. Title search came back clean. Not sure about statute of limitations or how the hell these assholes got the rights to begin with.) So, we know we canโt stop them from getting the rocks. Sucks but lesson learned. Honestly itโs not about the mineral rights. Itโs more about them coming onto our property, taking what they want and leaving a mess behind for us to deal with.
After talking it over with my Grandmother, this is what we want to happen before any work is done.
- Full survey of the property done by a land surveyor to determine boundaries that the contractor cannot pass.
- Full survey by an arborist of all trees on the property and an estimate
Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.
This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.
If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.
Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.
Is there anyone here who's seen a dub of Schitt's Creek in another language? I'm wondering how they handled Ted since he makes so many jokes that only make sense in English.
When I got home, they were still there.
What did 0 say to 8 ?
" Nice Belt "
So What did 3 say to 8 ?
" Hey, you two stop making out "
I won't be doing that today!
Entries in this series (this link does not work properly in old Reddit or 3rd-party apps): https://www.reddit.com/r/lds/collection/11be9581-6e2e-4837-9ed4-30f5e37782b2
In this post, weโll be talking about the absolutely insane story of James J. Strang. He faked his own death, claimed to have been appointed Josephโs successor by a letter he produced, claimed ordination to the role by an angel, formed a breakaway sect of the Church referred to as the Strangites which many of the Book of Mormon witnesses as well as members of Joseph Smithโs family temporarily joined after his death, claimed to find and translate a set of plates of his own supposedly taken from the Book of Laban, became a State Representative, claimed there was a sea monster in Lake Michigan, crowned himself the earthly king of the Kingdom of God while residing on Beaver Island, Michigan, fired a canon at his detractors, cozied up to John C. Bennett, and led an infamous band of Mormon pirates before he was murdered by a group of his own former followers.
Because this story is so bonkers, there are numerous biographies of Strang out there to choose from (โGod Has Made Us a Kingdomโ by Vickie C. Speek; The King Strang Story by Doyle C. Fitzpatrick; Kingdom Forgotten by Laurie A. Lounsbury; The King of Beaver Island by Charles K. Backus; The King of Beaver Island and The Assassination of a Michigan King, both by Roger Van Noord), but Iโve only read one, The King of Confidence by Miles Harvey. It was informative and well-sourced, but it also was much more fair in its treatment of Strang than it was of either Joseph Smith or Brigham Young, who were both described in pretty unflattering terms. So, take that into consideration if youโre looking for a book recommendation.
Iโm going to give an overview of Strang and his story, and then Iโll go into Jerem
... keep reading on reddit โก
[Removed]
Where ever you left it ๐คทโโ๏ธ๐คญ
This morning, my 4 year old daughter.
Daughter: I'm hungry
Me: nerves building, smile widening
Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.
She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.
Thank you all for listening.
You take away their little brooms
It was about a weak back.
There hasn't been a post all year!
