I just remembered some of my expwBPD's paranoias:
- He didn't like me going to public bathrooms because there might be hidden cameras
- He didn't like me going to fitting rooms to try on clothing before buying it because there might be hidden cameras
- He didn't like me selling my pregnancy pants on FB Marketplace, because some pervert might buy them and sniff the crotch
- The curtains at our home should be closed without any openings because someone on the outside might be using a powerful zoom camera to look into our home
He had these paranoias because he himself was capable of this stuff. I don't say that these things are not possible, especially knowing my ex, but I don't want to adjust my life to these possibilities. I believe there's a bigger chance of being hit by a car than any of this happening (correct me if I'm wrong). If I'd say this to his face, he'd totally flip out. Basically I had to lie to him about visiting public bathrooms. That's so crazy, I can't believe I accepted it. But I still feel weird when doing these things, I feel like I'm doing something wrong and am being judged.
I've seen stans online defend Travis with the argument of what is he meant to do to stop people in the crowd. This is a stupid argument because there's countless examples of artists doing this during shows.
Example: Matty Healey (lead singer of 1975) noticed fighting in the crowd of one of their gigs and told the people to get out of the gig https://youtu.be/j1mln5XSAck
We've seen artists outright stop and refuse to play until people chill out. Stans need to stop acting like there was nothing he could have done to calm the crowd even a little.
He loves shit like the crowd acting up and he's partly to blame for what happened.
In hindsight i realise my ex was super controlling, it was weird at times
for example she'd tell me off for sitting on a chair and tell me to move (for no real reason)
she'd tell me to do things or not do things again for no real reason as if to just see if she could control me all the time
She'd ask me to carry her things for no real reason
the list goes on
then she would also constantly test me, asking me about money, about how her ex would do things and i didn't , why aren't I doing A,b,c as if i was never good enough just constantly tested.
I (26F) have been dating my boyfriend (25M) for 4 months. We have spent a significant amount of these 4 months together. Things are good, he tries hard but a couple of things worry me. It might be nothing but me being sensitive due to previous relationships so that's why I've decided to ask for advice over here.
He admitted before that he was jealous of one of my male friends with who I text a lot until he found out he has a girlfriend with who he has 2 kids. But I still do get that feeling he's not happy with my friendship with him. Recently he did mention that he finds it annoying when I text people when we're doing something. Since I started dating him I have really cut down on using my phone when we are together and this is where I think one of the red flags could be.
Also the other week he met my best friend (27F) and while we were out in a pub me and my best friend went to get us some drinks I left my phone at the table and when we came back he has taken my phone from the table and held onto it. I asked him if he had it and he said something along the lines "no more sitting on your phones the whole time" after which my friend basically shouted at him and I said that wasn't cool.
Ever since I've been thinking if these are the first signs of him being controlling or just insecure? I like him a lot and we do get along well but I am scared of falling into a trap.
My Q is my partner of 5 years. Whilst his drinking has lessened since we have been together, it is still nightly and his behaviour has worsened.
What I'd like to ask is, if anyone else has experienced their partner exhibiting insecurity or controlling behaviour. And is it a result of drinking?
Neither of us have ever cheated (to my knowledge) on anybody. I'm very introverted and a quiet shy person. I see my 2 girl (awesome nerd) friends locally about once per month, and visit my elderly mother in another town and stay the night at hers once per month. My BF doesn't see his friends much and neither of us go out a lot without the other.
What I've noticed is odd/controlling behaviour seems to be increasing.
For example if I've got a day off work or if we're apart, he will want to know every tiny thing I'm doing. If I had a bath, if I played video games, if I went out anywhere etc. Once I couldn't find my keys and just asked if he'd seen them, and his response was "Why do you need your keys? Are you going out? Just shopping? Or for a walk somewhere?" Etc.
He wants to know exactly how much everything costs, right down to the coffee I had with a friend. It's his first question, and I barely buy myself anything. It's rarely over a few quid.
When I go out with my 2 female friends once per month he will say "Are you having a drink? Stupid question you obviously are!" I sometimes have a couple drinks with them but we definitely don't get drunk. Sometimes we just go for coffee. And I stopped drinking in the house since me and him moved in together. But he says this every time. He will do a big smile when I'm back and say "Aww I'm SO glad you went out with your friends!" Which seems like an odd reaction? Like he thinks most men wouldn't be ok with that and he's showing that he's different? Whereas I think most people would be fine.
He's started criticising the 'way' I say things more. In a text it's "Howcome you put a question mark there?" If I say something like "It took about an hour I think?' In person if I'm tired after a long day of work and he tells me something, he will criticise my response wasn't high energy. Or he will stop midsentence like "I'll shut up I'm boring you sorry." He always stops me on my way to bed to tell me a story, even though we've been sitting together all night. He also says that if he repeats a story I respond "Oh yeah I remember you saying." Instead of letting him repeat it and act interested again.
He asks a lot of "Will you"
... keep reading on reddit ➡When my fiance and I decided to get married we wanted to keep things very laid back and fuss-free. I've never been the sort of person to dream of a perfect big white wedding (not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just not me). The important thing to us is the marriage, not the wedding.
It seemed like everyone understood and supported that, but as we've progressed with the planning somehow things have snowballed to the extent we were organising a wedding twice the size we wanted with all sorts of things we originally said we didn't want to do like speeches and a first dance. A really big issue was the entertainment. We wanted a DJ, nothing fancy just someone to play some songs everyone would know with a bit of cheese to have a laugh and let our hair down at the end of the night.
My mother was dead set against this and wanted a live band. This was the first decision where we wanted something that she didn't. She could not accept it. She tried getting other family members to talk to me out of it while pretending she was okay with it, saying that it was unfair to our guests who wouldn't like it, asking if we would consider a live/DJ combo after we had already found someone we liked.
When we declined all this it got nastier. She out of the blue phoned me and said when we visited we would have to stay in a hotel because she couldn't trust that my fiance wouldn't bring weed into her house (he does smoke it but only at home, he hasn't and would never bring it to my parents' and the only reasons she knows is because I'd previously mentioned it). She said that she needed to know the wedding day would go smoothly but she had concerns about my fiance's family falling out during the day because of "what I'd confided to her about his difficult childhood" (her words). She said that it was very unusual for a wedding to go ahead when a decision had been made that was against what the family of the bride wanted (she is the only one with the issue over the music) and so we had to be very clear with the venue that this was a "split wedding" and have a separate space downstairs with separate entertainment for people who didn't like DJ music. At the moment she isn't speaking to me at all and it's been like this for weeks.
This whole issue has caused us to take a step back and think again about what we want. We decided that all this stress, negativity and pressure was just not what we wanted for the start of our marriage and that an intimate, meaningful elopemen
... keep reading on reddit ➡Hi! My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over two years. We have been doing long distance since last March, before that, we used to live together.
I am currently in his city for my visit (another 4 days left). Something about my boyfriend - he has health anxiety and he has had COVID once early this year. Hence, since the past two weeks, we've been inside a hotel room and haven't gone out except for the pharmacy.
So, today I wanted to go pick my breakfast from the hotel lobby (not eat it, just pick it up), but he didn't let me do that (he basically doesn't let me step out at all). He asked if I'd like it if I caught Covid. Mind you, I'm fully vaccinated, wear a mask, and a face shield. I've done three tests since I've come here (all negative). And the place where we are at is not any hotspot. I requested him to just let me step out and get breakfast but he threatened that he'll take a separate room if I did that. Then I asked one more time (I really wanted to see some human faces, even if from distance), and then he threw his phone at the wall near me.
I got very, very scared and started hyperventilating and crying. It was horrible. Ever since, I've been sitting in a corner, feeling scared. He has tried explaining why he did what he did (I'm scared of covid, I'm anxious, etc.) but I have been feeling too terrified to engage in a conversation.
I don't know if I want to be with him anymore. He's a great man, but something about today really frightened me. He generally doesn't get this angry, but he has yelled and screamed at me at least thrice in the past two weeks (and quite often over the phone).
Please help.
Edit: Thank you all for your support. It's true, I know what to do, but didn't have the courage to do the right thing. I have left for home safely and I am ending things with him now that I'm in a safe environment. However difficult it is, I know no one deserves to be treated this way. Thanks again for your words for encouragement and making me see from an objective perspective. :)
Hi all.
Throwaway.
Partner is currently in hospital having been sectioned and kept in for the past 9 days. He has been initially diagnosed with mania, after a year and a half long spell of depression prior. There is possible bipolar but it is early days for diagnosis as he is being very resistant to treatment and will not accept what the medical staff are saying. This was after a couple of months of escalating dramatic changes in behaviour and delusions which led to the police being involved, and then him being hospitalised. Huge amounts of detail missing here, but you can ask anything you need to.
At the moment he is incredibly angry at me and thinks that:
-This whole thing is 'made up' or at very least an over reaction of mine. (The irony is it was his friend who originally alerted me to what could be going on, after me being baffled and frightened by his behaviour for months. After this the ball got rolling with police/medical help/psychiatrist.)
-He shouldn't be in hospital at all. He is convinced that this is all highly unjust and is planning a medical malpractice suit after he gets out.
-That it is him who will have to forgive me after all this, as he sees me as the problem in this whole period. He tells me it is me who is mentally ill, me who needs help, me who should be seeking professional support.
After another very difficult visit tonight, I ask myself which parts of his behaviour are due to mania and which are just coercive/unpleasant behaviour? We have been together for over a decade and I have loved him for so long, but for the last few months he has been so highly unpleasant, aggressive, and frightening that I am finding it hard to love him at all. From tonight's visit:
-He forced me to say out loud a number of things including that I am the cause of this situation and that he does not need to be in hospital. If I did not say these things out loud he said he would firstly withdraw the medical consent for me to be allowed to be in contact with the hospital, and secondly, that things would 'not end well' for me. It was threatening and intimidating.
-For the past few months I've paid for everything in the house, everything. Bills, shopping, pet stuff, council tax. I mentioned tonight that I'm having to keep on quite a tight budget as money is a bit low (he owes me just under £800) and he told me I am not allowed to mention money again, and that in fact, given all I've put him through with being in hospital etc it wou
... keep reading on reddit ➡Since I broke up with my last partner about a year ago, I have been on a journey of healing and mindfulness. I've been focusing on understanding my inner child wounds and things that trigger me, as well as trying to rebuild my sense of self love and respect which has been a long and slow journey.
This morning I had a sudden recollection of a few memories where it's now clear to me that I exhibited stereotypical controlling behaviour towards my partner. It was upsetting to revisit these memories from this new perspective and I feel sad and ashamed that I behaved this way in my most desperate state. I'm aware that there were triggers which led to this reaction from me and understand I'm not a "bad" person and that I need to forgive myself, but it still doesn't excuse behaving in that way.
How can I move away from these types of reactions when I am triggered and encourage healthy ways of coping? Where do I even start?
I wanted to know if any of you guys were willing to share examples of controlling behaviour by your BPD loved ones, as I feel it was a huge factor in my relationship with my exwBPD and truly eroded my confidence and self esteem over time. I was naive, anxious and codependent so made a perfect malleable target to be controlled unfortunately.
- Would tell me to brush my teeth quietly and in a specific way so that I didn't make noise brushing my tongue
- Told me she didn't like my shampoo/shower gel and bought me ones she preferred. She once made a remark "at least 7 of my ex boyfriends now use face wash because of me"
- Didn't like that I wore regular socks and took me shopping to buy trainer/low cut socks
- Would control what I ate through guilt tripping and criticism of my diet (She was obsessed with eating healthily and once had a meltdown when I suggested having Burger King for lunch - although she did occasionally still eat fast food strangely) Even when I was at work she'd ask what I was having for lunch and give unwanted feedback on my choices. If I said chocolate it wasn't "yum sounds delicious!" it was "You eat far too much chocolate. You know how bad it is for you."
- Would berate me from how I did simple tasks "wrongly" e.g - how I hung up my washing, even how I tore off a sheet of aluminium/tin foil. Would say I can't do simple tasks any adult should be able to do..
- I had just graduated from university and she wasn't happy with the amount of post grad freelance work I was getting even though it was my career and money. She literally wrote up an email template and cover letter for me and watched as she forced me to apply for a full time job. She then used the fact she "had" to do this against me in the future and called me lazy, useless and ungrateful. I 100% could have done this myself and felt patronized.
- She snored every single night, yet the one time that I snored because I was ill, the next morning she berated me because she couldn't sleep. I couldn't even breathe in certain ways without her telling me how to.
- Constantly wanted to know what I was up to, would constantly text and lash out with a "are you mad at me you haven't been talking to me today???" text if I was away from my phone for a bit. I almost got fired from my work because she was so demanding that I reply. She'd say it was okay if I was busy, but then would guilt trip me with drama and emotional distress to try and get me to text her.
- Even after
... keep reading on reddit ➡One day my ex noticed that I was wearing a watch. I liked wearing it since I had the habit to look at the time very often during class. It looked good too. But my ex didn’t like me wearing it. “Nowadays no one wears a watch. Everyone just looks at their phone if they want to know what time is it.” I told him found it useful and liked it. “Well I’ve never seen you looking at your watch in class last year don’t say you are always checking the time on it”. I decided to stop wearing it and he was satisfied or proud of me idk...
He also didn’t like me wearing a purse. Or jewelry. He asked me to not wear any of these things one day we had to meet up. I told him I needed the purse to keep things inside. “Just use your pocket”. My iphone was too big, I had to bring pads too, money, etc. My trousers felt heavy and the pockets were too full. Why was I doing this stupid thing for him? Why is he asking me to do this? Anything wrong with wearing a purse or a watch? I also took off my earrings and my necklace because he also asked me to not wear it.
The worst part was when he asked me to stop wearing mascara and curling my eyelashes. That was the only make up I used (just making my eyelashes look pretty!) He told me I was beautiful without it that he didn’t like it. I told him that that was my favourite thing ever and I didn’t want to stop doing it. I tried to negotiate by saying I would not wear mascara or curl my eyelashes only the days we hang out. The days we meet up no mascara. His response? “But I also see you in high school not just when we meet up, just stop using it”. “It’s up to you, it’s your choice, it’s not a big deal”.
I’m so mad at myself (and at him too) for doing everything as he wished. My confidence went down! I stopped doing and wearing the things I liked and enjoyed the most. Just to fit his weird view of... a girlfriend? How can someone be bothered by a purse or a watch or just simple mascara (it’s not dramatic make up!). Why dis he ask me to change all these things?
I(24M) play League of Legends, but my(23F) girlfriend of 7 years doesn't let me play anymore.
But she has her reasons, and I understand, I have an addiction to the game, we argued 5 times over League of Legends already(big fights), and she made me delete all my accounts and I have abstained for more than a month now.
I am doing college(mechatronics engineering), I am putting a lot of times in a side hustle of mine, and she lives here, I treat her well and give her a lot of attention, but after the last fight, she basically said that I was only going to play when she felt like I wasn't an addict anymore...
After I have a productive day, all I want to do is play a little, I miss the game, and I feel so bad about being "prohibited" by her and not be allowed to play anymore.
So today, I tried to talk twice with my girlfriend about being able to play again, and that I wanted to play a little.
She simply gave me an ultimatum and said that if I were to play, she would leave.
The point is that I understand her side, but the thought of being on her leash and following her rules or she breaks up with me feels wrong ... It makes me resentful, my freedom is already vastly restricted, now I can't even play the game I love to play? I cannot be in a relationship where I am manipulated and controlled, where ultimatums are given as a consequence of not following the "rules".
As a noob to CE, I'm curious if the following two things are possible in Dark Souls 3 and if so how to accomplish it.
-
De-aggro any pve monster or boss. Ideally, they continue on their scripted paths as If my character wasn't there or force them to stand in one place.
-
Control a particular PVE's moveset. For example, instead of doing any one of several attacks, they simply repeat the one I choose over and over again.
The goal here is to make learning how to time react rolls, punishes or parries of a specific attack most time efficiently.
People wondering what is considered illegal Controlling or Coercive Behaviour from a family member in the UK might find this Home Office document interesting. I found it to be a nice sanity check
I'll explain what I mean by "controlling behaviour" in a few examples:
-About six months ago I had to take my brother (25) to his friend's house, driving for around 10km (very ordinary and straightforward road). I was going out too, so I figured I'd pick my own friend who lives along the way. My dad said he had to come too because he was "afraid I'll get confused in the traffic" (beware this was at about 8:30 pm on a weekday, literally no one was around). Also note that it was not my first time driving that same road (or even further). I've been driving for almost 3 years, the first of which my dad strung along all the time (this happened multiple times a week), because I wanted to prove to him that I can in fact drive safely. I drove on the highway, on regular roads, to my GF's, basically everywhere I used to go, with him. Still, I had to endure travelling with my friend AND my dad while going out for drinks (I don't drink alcohol though).
-Last month I graduated magna cum laude from my university and had already found a job at a big company. While going through all the paperwork, my parents insisted that I showed them my salary. In these matters, I'm a quite reserved person, so I tried to keep it to myself, but they insisted for days, even by bringing arguments such as "we are not your enemies, so tell us" or other victimising strategies in order to wear me down. Others included "We just want to know how satisfied we need to be after all the hard work (i.e. my education)" (which is a pretty shallow statement if you ask me). After a few days of somewhat sporadic retailiations they won me at lunch (they where guessing numbers and asking again why would I not tell them, as if an explanation was mandatory). I told them in order to achieve some peace of mind over the matter, as I was beginning to feel guilty about it. Note that I don't know how much either of my parents makes, they never told me and always been reserved (as I grew up to be) on such matters.
-Out of the blue, during this pandemic, we have the possibility to visit a loved one during the upcoming holidays. They told me I could get the car as soon as restrictions allowed it, but now that the time has come, they told me they might need it as well, but they won't tell me why (it's illegal to move if you're not visiting any loved ones on the holidays) and also offered to take me to me GF instead. It's clearly a way to gaslight me away from the real reason. I don't like being treated this wa
I don't even know where to start. I didn't know for so many years what was wrong with me for feeling confused towards my parents, but now I know. Found this group and feel understood for the first time in forever. I don't know if my parents are narcissistic, so I'm going to list a couple of things they do. Maybe a couple of you guys could explain this behavior and spot narcissism. This is going to be long,we are talking 24 years of abuse here.
PArt 1 My mom
1.Every morning I hear "There comes my little fatty/piggie!" When she hears me. She then jokingly says:" Oh, I thought you were your father, SORRY"My dad is twice my weight. There can be no mistake there, anybody would hear it.
2.We were watching TV and a show about America came up.As always, she began to tell me that she heard that America once had so many trees, a squirrel could travel from south to north without touching the ground.I interrupted her and finished the sentence, WHICH I ALREADY HEARD ABOUT 2000 times.I wasn't angry, just finished the sentence and said I know, you told me already. She zapped the TV off and said that when I behave like that,I could piss off into my room. I'm 24....I told her I was just sick and tired of hearing all her stories billions of times. She repeats herself so often, it's tiring and gives me depression. I feel like this is a neverending nightmare of old, used stories.
3.She told me to kill myself after I had a psychosis because I took ablifis.My first suicide attempt was when I was 11.I tried to jump off a cliff and my father held me back.We never talked about it.They just shrugged it off and said it was an accident. I had many more tries after that and they refused to let me go into therapy.I had to work from 16 to 20 in their company,so no time for any therapy.I had so many suicide tries that I've lost count. They manipulated me and told me that psychologists would urge me to kill myself even more and that therapy would drive me insane.I was weak to ask for help etc.I was young and stupid and so,I believed them.I know now that they've lied to me and that it's ok to ask for help.I went into therapy and they gave me aripiprazole. Unfortunately,I had to tell somebody that I take this medication, in case it goes bad and they can help me.I told my mom and she was furious.I took it anyway and it went really bad.I had a psychosis that my parents would try to kill me.I was hallucinating, scared and vomited [everywhere. ](https
... keep reading on reddit ➡first time poster so please bare with me as this makes me kinda nervous...
I guess I just need some advice.
Me & my boyfriend have been together nearly 4YRS and living together for just over 1YR and recently I’ve been walking round on tip toes in fear of doing or saying the “wrong” thing.
I’ll start with some examples.
Example 1. I woke in the morning and start to do my hair and makeup, atm my mental well-being isn’t good and I find this helps me have a better day. When he saw the straightener on, he says “you don’t need to straighten your hair do you?” I answered “I do every morning, it helps me get ready for the day” he then gets real angry and says it’s a waste of electricity along with how I don’t need to do it so I shouldn’t. (Our bills are all managed and we’re not in financial difficulties)
Example 2. We moved into a new apartment together and I moved out of my family home of 30+ years. He insisted I didn’t bring anything from my family home only my personal belongings, anything sentimental to me from my parents was a no go. Everything I moved into the new apartment, I had to check was ok with him beforehand otherwise he would again get angry.
Example 3. I ordered some new decor for the apartment with my own money, it arrived and I started to hang these pictures, I was told “don’t hang them I don’t know where I want them to go so until I do, don’t put them up”
These are just three examples that have happened in the last week. Every day he raises his voice, cursing at me and I end up in tears. It’s now at the point where i do as I’m told and I don’t answer back to him, in fear. It seems when I answer him, he won’t stop until I say “I’m sorry” or I say “I’m wrong you’re right” if i say anything else it’s a full blown argument!
He blames his argumentative manner on his relationship with his friends, in his words “me and my friends always debate with each other so that’s just how I am” it really is his way or no way to the point I now don’t have a voice.
I’ve tried explaining to him how I feel, he can see how it is affecting me and of course, I don’t want him getting annoyed so I now just don’t say anything and agree with him to keep peace but it’s like he understands, listens to me when I open up about this but then within a day he can’t help himself and we’re back to square one.
My question is, how would you approach this, what would you say?
Thnx!
I decided to make crepes for breakfast yesterday for my husband and his brother, who's living with us. I normally try to make things as healthy as I can, so I decided to use some of my healthy multigrain flour which I normally use. My husband comes up to me and asks what I'm doing. I tell him I'm making crepes. He asks me instead to use his instant flour, which has no nutrients whatsoever but he wants to make use of it. I tell him I've already gotten started but he says "we need to use the instant flour at some point" and a mild argument ensues, ending in him saying that if I make the crepes with my flour, he won't eat them. And that he'll make his own with his flour. I end up cowing down and doing what we wants.
I hate this behavior-- my family members used to pull these sort of stints all the time and it gave me long term anxiety and a predisposal to apologize all the time. I've noticed he does this frequently, if something doesn't go the way he wants, he immediately develops this angry expression on his face and shuts off. I don't understand because on other days he's so loving and gentle-- I can't see how the same person can also be so angry.
Sometimes I feel like he talks to me like I'm a child. Yesterday at dinner I decided in the last minute that I'll join them at the table to eat, and ended up serving a small amount of rice that I wanted to have with my favorite chutney, instead of the protein and veggies that were on the table. He goes , " are you seriously wasting your rice equity on that?" It just feels demeaning. I feel like I'm being treated like a child. I don't know if I'm overreacting because I'm so depressed at this point I don't know which end is up any more.
TL;DR: My husband nitpicks on things I do and talks to me like I'm a child. If I do say something in return, like "I just want to do this please, let it go" he clams up and gets angry. I'm not sure how to deal because on other days, he's very loving and gentle.
Most people would agree it's up to horny rapists to not rape, not (namely) women for dressing in skimpy clothes. If you agree that the rapist should be arrested, then any other circumstance, short of threats, should be treated the same.
If person a told person b they were a loser and 'I fucked your wife consensually', person b should be charged if he/she punched person a. There are some people who want it to be illegal to be mean to prevent riots.
I generally support being nice to people, calling people by their pronouns, however, I do not believe the law should interfere. Same thing with blasphemy. The law should not step in just because someone is insulted. The law should not have to force would be victims. In fact, it's backwards. The law should focus on the would be actors of violent deeds.
England (F32) Does anyone know a case reference that shows that I do not legally need to respond to emails from my ex husbands new wife?
