I'll hire this guy for a contract
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︎ Dec 11 2020
My wife screamed in pain during labour so I asked, "What's wrong?". She screamed. "These contractions are going to kill me!!"
"I am sorry, honey." I replied. "What is wrong?"
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︎ Jan 27 2020
What the best way to make a muscle contract?
Make them sign on the dotted line.
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︎ Dec 18 2020
The World Health Organization announced dogs cannot contract COVID-19 and indicated they should no longer be quarantined.
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︎ Sep 28 2020
My friend to said to me "there's no situation where a contraction makes sense but its split from doesnt"
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︎ Nov 05 2020
A woman suddenly in labor shouts, shouldnโt! wouldnโt! couldnโt! didnโt! canโt! The doctor says "don't worry."
โThose are just contractions.โ
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︎ Sep 16 2020
Whatโs the name of the contract organ donors have to sign
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︎ Aug 09 2020
Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
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︎ Mar 27 2020
Here's a way you'll know this sentence is pregnant
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︎ Mar 26 2021
Nobody in Anatartica has contracted Covid-19
It's because they're ice-o-lated.
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︎ Apr 08 2020
My barber wanted we to sign a contract before cutting my hair, but I refused...
I wouldn't accept his perms and conditions.
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︎ May 20 2020
I never learned when to properly use contractions but that is ok
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︎ Feb 25 2019
What did the frog do when he contracted coronavirus?
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︎ Apr 07 2020
During the delivery of my first child, my wife kept yelling out โcanโtโ, โwonโtโ, โshouldnโtโ, โcouldnโtโ.
The mid wife told me not to worry, they were only contractions
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︎ Nov 27 2020
My brother was stressing that someone in our house could contract the coronavirus by going out for supplies.
My dad responded: "We could all be getting viruses from our computers right now."
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︎ Mar 19 2020
What do you call a healthcare worker that doesnโt self-isolate after contracting COVID-19?
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︎ Mar 18 2020
In my company, you have to agree to not shaving beard in the contract
It's called the Santa Clause
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︎ Feb 27 2020
Why did the orchestra loose its tv contract?
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︎ Aug 02 2019
What's your mom's favorite contraction
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︎ Feb 16 2020
Even in places where grocery workers are allowed to unionize people who do bagging work have no say on what goes into each new contract.
Baggers can't be choosers after all.
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︎ Dec 01 2019
Quick aside. If admiral ackbar contracted a minnow-scule amount of salmon-ella poisson-ing while tuna-ing his guitar on his carp-et, would he instead need to use his bass tonight?
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︎ Oct 03 2019
is anyone else in favor of using contracted words as full sentences?
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︎ Aug 05 2019
A man is at a doctor's appointment and the Doctor returns and tells the man "I'm sorry, sir, but you've contracted a disease that has erased all memories of 80's music from your mind."
The man looks shocked and asks "Oh no! What's the Cure?"
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︎ Jan 18 2019
I contracted someone to build a chimney. I thought it'd be expensive...
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︎ Apr 06 2019
I was reading about the guy who invented contract hits?
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︎ Aug 10 2019
Wife is pregnant, due any day.
Suddenly the contractions Start.
"Can't, won't, I'm, haven't, don't, isn't" she said.
Sometimes the contractions gets so strong, she shouts "y'all'd've"
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︎ Nov 23 2020
Johnny asked me the other if he could end a sentence with a contraction...
The only thing I responded with was, โI wouldnโt.โ
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︎ Aug 26 2019
So I my son started to bark at me
Kept on insisting that I had promised to build him a treehouse but I don't remember evergreening this elm of a contract.
Though he kept inisisting I had birch the agreement due to the long delay but my attempt to confern the fertility of the spruce was in roots. Now I have to oak up and face the spruce. My weekend has been soiled and I now have to maple my son's treehouse whilst I willow my day away. Although... Now that I twig about it, having a treehouse in my yard sounds like a pine idea.
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︎ Dec 14 2020
I'm a successful salesman for mobile internet contracts
But every time I visit the countryside I get soft and lose my edge
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︎ Aug 07 2019
I took my daughter to adopt a cat at the shelter. I was surprised we had to sign an itemized legal contract with expected costs. When I told the clerk I thought rescuing a cat would be free...
She told me โDad, If you want a cat, you should expect a fee line.โ Iโm so proud!
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︎ May 21 2019
Wholesome too
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︎ Mar 20 2019
REQUEST: Dads, Lend me your strength!
What are your best dad jokes for the maternity visit? The baby is days away and I need an arsenal for these here finger guns (โ๏พใฎ๏พ)โ
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︎ Jul 07 2020
My coworkers told me that I have a problem understanding how contractions work.
I said whatever. It's what it's.
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︎ Mar 22 2019
I was hanging out with my French friend
We were talking about his daughter Patience, who had contracted an illness and started glowing green. To tell me he sat me down, looked me in the eyes and said; "Patience is a vert hue,".
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︎ Nov 03 2020
So my pregnant aunt began to have contractions...
My dad: Can't she hold it in? It's Independence Day not Labor Day!
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︎ Jul 05 2014
Got my girlfriend (in labour with our first son, having strong contractions) on the way to the hospital
Me: So you think he might be born by midnight?
Her: I dunno...we might get in there and the triage nurse says I'm only 1cm
Me: Hmmm...I think you're more like 5'2"
It went down as well as you might expect.
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︎ Feb 20 2015
What does a Tyrannosaurus Rex get when he contracts an STD?
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︎ Sep 08 2018
My wife called me at work and said, โHon, Iโm having contractions. I need you to drive to the hospital.โ
I got there as soon as I can and called her back , โRight. Iโm now at the hospital. What do you want me to do now?โ
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︎ Sep 04 2018
What's the difference between "don't get pregnant" and "get pregnant"?
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︎ Oct 06 2020
My wife is currently in the hospital having contractions.
They hooked up the monitoring belt to her and I asked the nurse if the sensors could send data to my phone. She said no, but I was really hoping for push notifications.
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︎ Sep 01 2016
As a lawyer, I don't mind if my clients write up their own contracts
But I NEVER let them put anything at the bottom of the page.
That's where I draw the line.
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︎ Sep 07 2017
My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, โWhatโs wrong?โ. She screamed. โThese contractions are going to kill me!!โ
โI am sorry, honey,โ I replied. โWhat is wrong?โ
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︎ Aug 03 2019
The World Health Organization has determined that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. All dogs being held in quarantine will be released.
To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
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︎ Jun 26 2020
The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.
To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
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︎ Mar 13 2020
Dogs can not contract coronavirus and do not have to quarantined anymore according to the world health organization
To clarify, WHO let the dogs out
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︎ Apr 19 2020
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