I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...

"Itโ€™s cutting hedge technology!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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A priest was getting very annoyed with his young parishioners during dinner time and said if they continued misbehaving even the cutlery would be punished.

One boy said to another: "What? the fork in hell?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/atheistmil
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
When the priest continued ministering, after having been officially censured, what did his bishop say to him?

What we have, here, is a failure to excommunicate.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Czernobog44
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A man goes to the doctor, and says "doctor, I havent been peeing correctly and its painful". The doctor replies "I will have to perform a prostate exam." As the doctor examines the man, he pulls out an $100 bill out of his bottom. This continues, he keeps pulling out money from this man's bottom.

After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"

The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 67
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/domheffo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
In these dark times, itโ€™s important we all continue to make puns.

You know, to make light of the situation the worlds in right now.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KiwahJooz
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A couple of dogs were sitting in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog says, โ€œI heard a good joke today.โ€ Second dog replies, โ€œGo on then.โ€ First dog continues, โ€œKnock Kno..."

Second dog leaps up and goes berserk...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/youthfulcomrade
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you donโ€™t.โ€ And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town canโ€™t be buried here.โ€ I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz theyโ€™re still alive!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 87
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know thereโ€™s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries werenโ€™t actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...

"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
"Ivanka... I am your father."

-Taxi Vader

๐Ÿ‘︎ 414
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/le672
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Iโ€™m not sure why people continue to argue and complain about Star Wars

It was a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Evilmentalhamster
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
It continues
๐Ÿ‘︎ 20
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DepressedTrashBag
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 09 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Continue with this trend!!

I was hungry. So I Czeched the fridge. ๐Ÿ‡จ๐Ÿ‡ฟ Nothing was there, so I was Russian over to the nearest restaurant. ๐Ÿ‡ท๐Ÿ‡บ I grabbed some Turkey, but it was layered in Greece. I Haiti ting food that isnโ€™t Swedened. ๐Ÿ‡น๐Ÿ‡ณ๐Ÿ‡ฌ๐Ÿ‡ท๐Ÿ‡ธ๐Ÿ‡ช I felt like I could Italy food in my house. ๐Ÿ‡ฎ๐Ÿ‡น

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thebitlifelover
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 14 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
How do dancers ensure job continuity during the Covid crisis?

They twerk from home.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 177
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kilokiilo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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Someone told me that getting older is like making a soup and continually adding more spices in as you age.

I guess that explains why all these old folks are so salty.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MunchOnDat
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 21 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
the legendary revolutionary who continues to create ripples all around the world. ๐ŸŒ’
๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madjholu
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My 35-year boycott of Ferrari's and Lamborghini's is still going strong!

And will continue until they lower the price.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Vole182
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The Punnerโ€™s Prayer

Dear Lord as week seek to produce puns worthy of your praise, lettuce relish this opportunity. We ask that you would cause humor to sprout in the hearts of those who think us nuts. Continue to cultivate in us passion, fruit which beets back sadness and joy which leeks into others. Though some may say we are corny we know you will give us sage wisdom. Give us the confidence to know we are kaleโ€™in it as we bring choy to the world and live apply ever after.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Cool-breeze7
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
As we were watching a DVD, I asked my son, "Do you know Emma Watson's full name?" He shook his head and I continued...

Emmamentary Mydear Watson!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 04 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My fiancรฉe asked if I could sharpen her pencil. After the pencil had been sharpened, I continued to sharpen. She said โ€œokay thatโ€™s enough!โ€

I said โ€œI was just trying to make a pointโ€.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PixelSniper17
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Everyone has been asking me about my plan to continue my career as a juggler when the quarantine ends, but Iโ€™m not sure yet...

everything is still up in the air.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lankyjay16
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Due to PCOS, my friend bled everyday continuously for two years.

It was very long period.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/truerites
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
As we continue to deal with the mask wearing, social distancing and uncertainty through the coming weeks, we canโ€™t lose sight of how important it is to continue taking these precautions.

As much as it sucks, itโ€™s better to be safe than SARS-y

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hashsmasher
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs (continuation)

Still No Idea

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/The-Real-Legend-72
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Turns out that the coronavirus is set to cost the world 2.5% of the global GDP if it continues at the rate it's going.

It's very influenzial on the worldwide market.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MrFillywonk
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German man are all watching a street performer

The street performer notices the four men are very far to the back and cannot see, so he stands on a box and continues his performance while asking, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Si."

"Ja."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 103
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MysteriousWritings7
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke.

but you guys didn't like it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Odinnextgen
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Here is one big if for the continued success of this sub:

IF

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/djmuhlestein
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
DadHelp wanted: more variants for "interrupting cow" knock-knock joke to amuse kids

Everyone knows the interrupting cow knock knock joke but we like making up KKJs for other cows. Here are some of ours; please add more so I can continue to surprise and delight the young people near and dear to me. TIA!

(Obviously each joke goes "Knock knock" etc. I'll just write the "cow" part and the punchline)

  • French cow: le moo

  • Backwards cow: oom

  • Upside down cow: woo

  • Sad cow: moo hoo hoo

  • Ghost cow: moo-oo-oo-oooo

  • Police cow: moo ee oo ee oo ee oo

  • Cow on a motorbike: (make zooming moo)

  • Cow in disguise: Baa

  • Horse in disguise: Moo

  • Invisible cow: (quickly cover child's eyes) Moo

  • Inaudible cow:

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/A2S2020
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A guy is walking along, and he continues to walk. Eventually he walks into a well. Why did the guy walk into a well?

He couldnโ€™t see that well

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I started counting from 1.

To continue after 9, I had to put in a lot of effort. It was in tens.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/keychainoi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The Monk and The Cow

A monk sits at the peak of a hill that overlooks where the grassy Earth meets a river, the river flows with a breeze, and the breeze explores a mountain range, and the mountains neighbor the sky, and the sky conceals the entire universe, hiding the unknown in plain sight. The monk exhales "Ooooomm". He repeats this until a noise, very faint, breaks his chant.

"moo."

The monk stops for a moment but, without changing his position, dismisses it. "Ooooooommm." He begins again.

He's interrupted again, "moooo."

The monk turns to find a cow looking up at him from the bottom of the hill. "Kind cow," the monk says, "please do not interrupt my meditation."

The cow stares blankly back at the monk. The monk sighs and continues.

"Oooooommmm-"

Even louder, "Mmmooooooooo."

"Dear cow, I must reach enlightenment. Please, refrain from making your cow noises or find another hill."

The monk continues again, "Oooooooommmm-"

"MMMmmoooooooooooO!" The cow exclaims.

The monk stands up angrily, "Cow! Why must you interrupt my chanting?"

The cow replies, "Because you're saying it backwards!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/baconbuddy95
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Dad Jokes

It was a brisk Saturday morning when Gerald arrived at โ€œThe Cafรฉ,โ€ a hip coffee shop right down the street. Wearing his large, burly black coat, he stared hesitantly at his watch. Thick glasses adorned his bright blue eyes, his gaze like starlight in a clear night sky. He was waiting, intently twiddling his thumbs. After a buzz of his phone, the message from Dad popped up: โ€œParking now, be there in 5.โ€

โ€œDad,โ€ he whispered under his breath, swiping the message away to once again reveal the image on his lock-screen: a hazy picture of an ultrasound.

Gerald had not spoken to his father for three years. They had had a falling out, over which he did not remember. To him it was a competition of who could wait the longest without calling or sending a text. Who could wait the longest: him without a father, or his father without a son? The idea of friction in the relationship hurt like a thorn; piercing his soul more and more everyday. Until recently, out of the blue, โ€œDadโ€ popped up on his phone. The rest is history. The rest leads to that Saturday morning, at The Cafรฉ.

Bang! A car door rang out not too far from where Gerald stood. Gerald saw him. His father wore his tweed jacket like a coat of armor. His strut was now weaker than before they stopped talking; a weakness evident in his cane which supported every right step. His shortly trimmed white beard juxtaposed against his uncut, curly grey hair gave him the image of a wise wizard from a fairytale. He used to be that figure to Gerald, yet instead of a nice ancient being acting like a stone to keep him grounded, Gerald had felt as though his father was a rock pulling him deeper and deeper into a sea of monotony. Holding him back from his true potential. Maybe that was why he left? He still did not know.

โ€œHello, son,โ€ came the withered voice Gerald had sook for so long, yet now that it had arrived wanted to avoid. โ€œI canโ€™t believe itโ€™s been so long!โ€

โ€œYeah,โ€ said Gerald, allowing a smile to grace his face. โ€œToo long!โ€

Then they hugged, signifying a change in their relationship. Gerald had hoped something could happen to bring them closer together. He did not want to go on wondering what could have been. The regret and sadness weighed him down. Before starting a new family, Gerald wanted to be reacquainted with his own.

After finding their table and sitting down, the two began to discuss life. It was like old friends catching up after a long break. Although it took some time, Gerald began to warm u

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sullyrr
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I bought a gun because of my bird phobia.

my therapist said, โ€œYou might be getting carried away.โ€

I continued to fire into the ceiling. โ€œNot without a fight!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/anxieturt
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Did you hear about the teacher who ran a landscaping business during breaks?

He operated the grader.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My father, who comes from a long line of clowns, just retired and wants me to continue the family legacyโ€ฆ

I've got some really big shoes to fill!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My pun compulsion continues...

Friend: I had a dream about a dragon last night. Its name was Fire Fawcett.

Me: It's too bad its name wasn't Uther, since it was a PUNdragon.

Friend: ...

Me: *bows*

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/yethica
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A man is chopping down a treeโ€ฆ

The tree says to the man, โ€œWait, Iโ€™m a talking tree.โ€

The man continues to chop and replies, โ€œAnd you well dialogue.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GreenLeafGreg
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
It's safe to assume that, once someone rises to the rank of Colonel, they will continue to be promoted.

Though I guess that's just a generalization.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 16
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DthAlchemist
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
[OC] Guess The Pun #44 - This one's... Stellar v.redd.it/5pdxuuzg4xf41
๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/monarang
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I wouldโ€™ve continued but with that one pun I was already in checkmate
๐Ÿ‘︎ 26
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Retr0fade
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
After two hours of continuous use, our Xerox machine wanted to go to Starbucks.

It really needed a copy break.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/andrew_ryans_beard
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
It's also discontinuous
๐Ÿ‘︎ 4k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.

Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.

A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"

The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.

Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.

He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."

She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"

He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 247
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KairuSmairukon
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Vampires continuously make bad decisions...

...because vampires donโ€™t reflect.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SoDakZak
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know thereโ€™s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 35
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you donโ€™t.โ€ And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town canโ€™t be buried here.โ€ I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz theyโ€™re still alive!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A couple of dogs were sitting in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog says, โ€œI heard a good joke today.โ€ Second dog replies, โ€œGo on then.โ€ First dog continues, โ€œKnock Kno..."

Second dog leaps up and goes berserk...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 36
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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