Someone told me that getting older is like making a soup and continually adding more spices in as you age.

I guess that explains why all these old folks are so salty.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MunchOnDat
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 21 2020
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What do you call it when Indiana Jones chases you around town in a Mustang and continually honks at you?

Harassinโ€™ Ford.

....please donโ€™t hurt me for this one

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CloudedCrow
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 28 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you donโ€™t.โ€ And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town canโ€™t be buried here.โ€ I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz theyโ€™re still alive!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 86
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know thereโ€™s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 37
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Iโ€™m not sure why people continue to argue and complain about Star Wars

It was a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Evilmentalhamster
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
It continues
๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DepressedTrashBag
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 09 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Continue with this trend!!

I was hungry. So I Czeched the fridge. ๐Ÿ‡จ๐Ÿ‡ฟ Nothing was there, so I was Russian over to the nearest restaurant. ๐Ÿ‡ท๐Ÿ‡บ I grabbed some Turkey, but it was layered in Greece. I Haiti ting food that isnโ€™t Swedened. ๐Ÿ‡น๐Ÿ‡ณ๐Ÿ‡ฌ๐Ÿ‡ท๐Ÿ‡ธ๐Ÿ‡ช I felt like I could Italy food in my house. ๐Ÿ‡ฎ๐Ÿ‡น

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thebitlifelover
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 14 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Did you hear about the teacher who ran a landscaping business during breaks?

He operated the grader.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
How do dancers ensure job continuity during the Covid crisis?

They twerk from home.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 181
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kilokiilo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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the legendary revolutionary who continues to create ripples all around the world. ๐ŸŒ’
๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madjholu
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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As we were watching a DVD, I asked my son, "Do you know Emma Watson's full name?" He shook his head and I continued...

Emmamentary Mydear Watson!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 04 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Everyone has been asking me about my plan to continue my career as a juggler when the quarantine ends, but Iโ€™m not sure yet...

everything is still up in the air.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lankyjay16
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My fiancรฉe asked if I could sharpen her pencil. After the pencil had been sharpened, I continued to sharpen. She said โ€œokay thatโ€™s enough!โ€

I said โ€œI was just trying to make a pointโ€.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PixelSniper17
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
As we continue to deal with the mask wearing, social distancing and uncertainty through the coming weeks, we canโ€™t lose sight of how important it is to continue taking these precautions.

As much as it sucks, itโ€™s better to be safe than SARS-y

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hashsmasher
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Due to PCOS, my friend bled everyday continuously for two years.

It was very long period.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/truerites
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs (continuation)

Still No Idea

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/The-Real-Legend-72
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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Turns out that the coronavirus is set to cost the world 2.5% of the global GDP if it continues at the rate it's going.

It's very influenzial on the worldwide market.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MrFillywonk
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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Here is one big if for the continued success of this sub:

IF

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/djmuhlestein
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A guy is walking along, and he continues to walk. Eventually he walks into a well. Why did the guy walk into a well?

He couldnโ€™t see that well

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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My friend made a pretty punny video :)

https://youtu.be/vFI1k8P0aH0

Comment to give her sum motivation to continue :) ...but only if you want too :))

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/getraxx2020
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A couple of dogs were sitting in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog says, โ€œI heard a good joke today.โ€ Second dog replies, โ€œGo on then.โ€ First dog continues, โ€œKnock Kno..."

Second dog leaps up and goes berserk...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 39
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.

Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.

A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"

The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.

Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.

He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."

She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"

He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 247
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KairuSmairukon
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My father and I were in the car traveling to a family outing.

On the way, after passing a graveyard, my dad asked,

โ€œDid you know thatโ€™s a popular cemetery?โ€

โ€œNo, why?โ€ I responded.

โ€œPeople are just dying to get in there!โ€ he replied.

After I groaned, he continued, in all seriousness,

โ€œBut really, did you know I canโ€™t be buried there?โ€

โ€œWhy not, Dad?โ€ I asked, surprised.

โ€œBecause Iโ€™m not dead yet!โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Famousspy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why did the opera singer get arrested??

She got into treble after the concert. (Please continue to make lots of music puns please)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thebitlifelover
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 07 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My father, who comes from a long line of clowns, just retired and wants me to continue the family legacyโ€ฆ

I've got some really big shoes to fill!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
[OC] Guess The Pun #44 - This one's... Stellar v.redd.it/5pdxuuzg4xf41
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/monarang
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
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My pun compulsion continues...

Friend: I had a dream about a dragon last night. Its name was Fire Fawcett.

Me: It's too bad its name wasn't Uther, since it was a PUNdragon.

Friend: ...

Me: *bows*

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/yethica
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KW-DadJoker
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 24 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
After two hours of continuous use, our Xerox machine wanted to go to Starbucks.

It really needed a copy break.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/andrew_ryans_beard
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
It's safe to assume that, once someone rises to the rank of Colonel, they will continue to be promoted.

Though I guess that's just a generalization.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DthAlchemist
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
It's also discontinuous
๐Ÿ‘︎ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I wouldโ€™ve continued but with that one pun I was already in checkmate
๐Ÿ‘︎ 25
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Retr0fade
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasnโ€™t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didnโ€™t know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, โ€œHoney, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?โ€

He hadnโ€™t and said so. Then she said, โ€œTomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what sheโ€™s really doing.โ€

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. โ€œWell, is she selling drugs?โ€ she asked excitedly.โ€

โ€œNo, sheโ€™s not.โ€ he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

โ€œWell, what is it, then?โ€ his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. โ€œHer name is Sally and sheโ€™s selling batteries.โ€

โ€œBatteries?โ€ cried the wife.

โ€œYes,โ€ he replied. โ€œShe sells C cells by the Seashore.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 93
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AustralianGroan
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Movie idea: Kim Jong Un-dead

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un succumbs to a botched surgery, medically confirmed dead, but then returns from the grave and continues to rule. Based on a true story. Probably.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/aceofspades914
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Continuing on the whale theme, what do you get when a bunch of orcas congregate under a full moon?

A tide pod.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 28
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/stupidlyugly
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 28 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Vampires continuously make bad decisions...

...because vampires donโ€™t reflect.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SoDakZak
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My son's teacher said I'm educating my son well, and to continue to do what i was doing at home...

Guess I wont stop beating him then...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/UltimatePeanut
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
While having dinner last night, my daughter looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?" Proudly, I replied, "Yes, my little princess, yes I am!"

She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Johnny and Ruth are biking down a hill.

Ruth hits a tree.

Johnny decides to continue on.

Ruthlessly.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 93
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Nearing the finish line, a marathon runner was so driven to win, that even when he pooped his pants, he continued on. When asked what he felt at that crucial moment, he replied...

"Undeterred" / "Undie turd"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/p_noid
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My mate, Skippy, is a bit of a nerd. Just last night he spent 2 hours telling me about all the characters named Kang.

For instance, Kang the Conqueror is a fictional supervillain appearing in American comic books published by Marvel Comics. In 2009, Kang was ranked as IGN's 65th Greatest Comic Book Villain of All Time

or

In the Simpsons , Kang is a Rigellian from Rigel 7. He and his sister Kodos continuously try to take over Earth and are usually seen attacking Springfield. Kang and Kodos have a lot of space weaponry at hand and have their own spaceship. They speak the Rigellian language, which, by coincidence, is identical to English. Although they look identical, Kang has a deeper voice than Kodos.

I guess you could say Skippy is a Kang Guru...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AustralianGroan
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
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Me: <receives phone notification> "Ooh, it's supposed to start raining in 2 minutes"

Wife: "It's sunny outside"

Me: <continuing> "...the rain will be light."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/michaellasalle
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why did the pianist continue to play on the piano, even when some notes didnโ€™t work?

Because it was only a minor inconvenience.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Pdonkey
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
If there was a wild dog that continued to falsly alert the pack to the presence of a young human male...

Would he be the Wolf who cried Boy?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Krombopulos137
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
"Lettuce shortage could be tip of the iceberg as heatwave continues" - The Telegraph. That was worthy of the Grauniad.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MartiniPlusOlive
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
After a long trip back home, my mother announced โ€œIf anyone has to go to the restroom, go now.โ€ And I continued:

โ€œOr forever hold your pee!โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Liqqa
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 21 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
An interesting title
๐Ÿ‘︎ 320
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/yafavmemelordess
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
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When I was a child I was over my grandmothers house watching a movie, when suddenly I heard my grandmother shout from upstairs "Call me an ambulance!"

I found it odd, but she sounded serious, so I shouted back up "Grandma, you're an ambulance!" and continued watching my movie. At the end of the movie I was still confused about why she wanted me to call her an ambulance so I went upstairs to ask her.

Sadly, when I got up there I found her on the floor dead. I never did find out why she said that.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CaptionClosed
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.

We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.

A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny to me, but that just made it even funnier to me so I continued telling all these dad jokes to her and died laughing every time.

She puts up with it because she loves me. At least I thought so.

We were always 100% honest with each other and I'm still shaken by the things she told me today.

I sent her probably one of my worst dad jokes ever (that I stole from reddit), and she just couldn't take it anymore and told me how stupid my jokes are and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to put up with it much longer.

But that's not the worst part, I actually appreciated her honesty and considered the possibility to stop with all the stupid jokes and become more serious in the relationship.

The worst part is that she lied to me for the first time in all these years. I felt like I just couldn't trust her anymore and everything I thought I knew about her as a person just became questionable. I need your advice on how to react to this huge lie...

She told me she's Sorry, but I know for a FACT that her name is Diane.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/filiprogic
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
is that an omen? no itโ€™s a sign
๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/artemisiagenti
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My dog would like to hit pause on his music career.

That means he would like to continue with it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/vEnoM_420
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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So I'm at the store today, and I've gathered my items. I head for the checkout to pay for all of my stuff, while on my way there, I see a guy acting a little strange, but I continue on my way.

I set my items on the counter, and the cashier starts ringing them up one after another while I wait patiently. I notice the guy in line behind me a few people still acting a little weird, antsy is how I would describe it.

Anyways, the cashier snaps me out of my thoughts by telling me my total and as I go to reach for my wallet, I see the guy dashing out the door.... as in transfixed on his fleeing image, my hand reaches my pocket and I realize he's stolen my wallet!

I make a mad dash for him, chasing him down in the middle of the parking lot. He reaches his vehicle at the other end and as he hops in, I catch up to him and I'm able to grab his leg. I start pulling his leg and pulling his leg harder and harder trying to get him out.

I keep pulling his leg very similarly to how I've been pulling your leg for the last minute.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SoDakZak
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 27 2017
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I know this is old, but this is no ordinary link post... kelp me continue the sea of puns in the comments section below! collegehumor.com/upick/66โ€ฆ
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tony_1337
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 08 2012
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WW2 vets. Did you continue treating animals after the war or go back to your day jobs?
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/feckthis
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 02 2017
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Just another example in the continuing saga of "sad examples of my fathers free time".

I get texts like this often

My dad sends my whole family his mini movies

"Written, voice & Directed by me. Moon played your mother."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqbvF-nX9YQ

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sighsaremyprize
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 20 2017
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"I'd like to have a toast" said the father-in-law at his daughters wedding

"Add some jam on it," he continued

(Smh this wasn't appreciated enough at r/jokes)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/QueenKyoko
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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When your son is transgender
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Zerquix18
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 30 2017
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The USA turns 241 years old this July 4th...

... which means that it will go back to being indivisible

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/soxman
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 23 2017
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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."

The man continues to keep his cool.

"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"

He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.

The spy smirks.

"But I still think you American spy."

The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.

He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.

The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.

After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."

The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.

"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"

The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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Addictions are tough to overcome...
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheMajicman
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 08 2018
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For some reason black Friday continues for the rest of the week, i guess that makes today

Black Sabbath

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/evilhomers
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2016
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โ€œDonโ€™t touch the blackberry cobbler in the kitchen!โ€

But that little man continued to make his little stupid berry shoes.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FeedbackUSA
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
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Back in the day...

my grandfather started to say. You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a block of butter as well.ย But today... he continued. Wherever you go, there are security cameras everywhere

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/B-man44
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
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I really need to work on my wait

... okay continue.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/M_OrangeJu
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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I've had a knoephla this ish
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Daddy-Donut
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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I looked at my wife and proclaimed, "I promise to love you 24/7!!"

She looked lovingly at me, eyes welling with tears as I continued, "And today is the day!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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An Impossible Riddle

Today my father asked me:

F: "Someone's mother.."

Me: "Oh no, please no" (In mind)

F (continues) : "... has four kids: west, south, and north. What is the name of the fourth kid? Tell me"

Me: "..." (Is he making fun of the riddle or himself)

F: "And let me tell you the answer is not EAST, haha"

Me: "..."

F: "It isn't easy eh?"

Me: "Kill me god, please just kill me. This is so painful"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Razor54672
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
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What do you call a video game gorilla who shrinks by 50% each day?

Exponential DK

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ii_akinae_ii
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 28 2016
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(My dad actually made this joke)

I was using my phone when my dad spoke to me, "Oh son, there is something black on your head!"

"What black thing, dad?", I replied.

"Oh yes, there is something. Let me check." He continued.

"What black? What is that black thing??" I asked him, anxiously.

So he replied.

"Hair."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mykolor
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
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I couldn't even continue my conversation after this...

Today, I'm sitting in the kitchen with my dad and I am telling him about this conversation I had with a coworker about different computer operating systems the day before.

Me: "I was telling him that Windows has its own merits and the dude says that he doesn't trust Windows at..."

Dad: "Why doesn't he trust windows, you can see right though them?"

Me: "........."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/NarrWallace
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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Traveling Evangelical Geese...

My morning walk with the dog was cut short today. There's a park we usually wander through so she can sniff and explore, but today we couldn't get in because the path was blocked by an army of angry geese.

I was telling my mom about this and she mentioned there are geese at the river where she and a friend take their dogs, too. She said they must all be in town for some kind of conference. Then she paused for half a second and continued:

I bet it's a religious thing. They're here to preach the goosepel.

(To satisfy the rule: that's a play on gospel.)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PupperPuppet
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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Tonight I took my son to hockey practice and realized my wife forgot to pack his jersey from the dryer.

She told me she had everything, and I was in a rush. So it got left behind. Figured it out right away as we were getting him changed and messaged my wife. She said she would bring it right away. I told my son "You mom is going to run your jersey over"

Without skipping a beat, he replied "Well that won't work, practice will probably be over. I wish she would just drive it over"

Then he gave me a huge grin. I told him he won the dad joke of the day and he continued smiling all the way until bedtime.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MilkCanMatt
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
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Eating fish makes you smarter

Youโ€™ve heard that eating fish makes you smarter? Well, hereโ€™s the proof!

A customer at the local grocery store marveled at the proprietorโ€™s quick wit and intelligence.

โ€œTell me, what makes you so smart?โ€ he asked the owner.

โ€œI wouldnโ€™t share my secret with just anyone,โ€ came the reply. Then, lowering his voice so the other shoppers wouldnโ€™t hear, he continued. โ€œBut since youโ€™re a good and faithful customer, Iโ€™ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, youโ€™ll be positively brilliant.โ€

โ€œYou sell them here?โ€ the customer asked.

โ€œOnly $4 apiece,โ€ said the grocer.

The customer quickly bought three. A week later, he was back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he wasnโ€™t any smarter.

โ€œYou didnโ€™t eat enough,โ€ replied the store owner, and the customer went home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he was back and this time he was really angry.

โ€œHey,โ€ he said, โ€œYouโ€™re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2.Youโ€™re ripping me off!โ€

โ€œYou see?โ€ replied the grocer.โ€œYouโ€™re smarter already.โ€

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/eating-fish-makes-you-smarter/

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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One day Jimmy gets home from school early.

His mom ask's,"Why are you home so early?"

He answered"Because I was the only one who answered a question correctly."

Well, my son the genius.What was the question?"she continued.

"Whose the little shit that laid the tac down on my chair?"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/shdchko
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
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I will always fondly remember the last words my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket.

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jvlpdillon
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 22 2015
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One of my boy scouts asked me, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?"

I said, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all."

So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.

I continued, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 28 2017
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A man walks into a bar...

On his way to the bartender he hears someone say โ€œNice shoesโ€ he looks around and cant see anyone... He continues walking and hears โ€œNice Shirtโ€ again he looks around and there is no one in sight.

He finally makes his way to the bartender and says โ€œMate I have to tell you this bar is extremely nice, but am I hearing voices? I keep hearing someone saying nice shoes, nice shirt but there is no one around?โ€

The bartender said โ€œoh dont worry about that, its just the peanuts, they are complimentaryโ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Frase32
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
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A older man was slowly becoming sicker and sicker as time went on....

The man never took it seriously at first, he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age.

After a few weeks, the man has developed an incredible frequent and annoying cough.
His wife is annoyed and is constantly telling him to go the doctor, but the man kept refusing.

One day during an argument, his wife has had it with his coughing and hacking and tells him "Im making a bet, if this damn coughin kills you i'm writing ' I told you so' on your tombstone!"
The man laughs her off since they both have a twisted sense of humor, and tells her its a deal, if the coughin kills him she can carve that.
The man continues on for another week

One day the man is out going for a walk through his neighborhood, when a freak accident occurs between a truck carrying coffins and a car, which results in a coffin flying off the truck, tragically landing on the old man and kills him.

Later at his funeral, his wife makes a very odd request to have them carve "I told you so" on his headstone.

When the caretaker asks her why she wants to do this, she tells him about their dark humor, and fills him in on the bet they recently made.
The caretaker is touched by the story, and agrees to do it for her, because in the end,

It was that damn coffin that killed him

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ItsArgon
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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The vicious cycle continues.....

First and foremost, this is my first actual reddit post (been a lurker for some time now). Anyways, onto the dad jokes. Recently as I have been getting older, it's becoming more and more apparent that I am doomed to inheritance of the typical dad jokes, especially my dad's favorites. Many a time now have I passed a graveyard in the car, asking any occupants, "you see that place over there? people are dying to get in". cue groans and stifled giggles But what about dad rage? Something his grandfather used to say, and he has said, and now I say....road rage makes for the weirdest rages. "Get out, put it on a string and pull it behind you". Yes, I have said that. I AM DOOMED REDDIT. DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheMadMandalorian
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 20 2015
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Itโ€™s hot where we live. Wife was lamenting on how we donโ€™t have A/C.

I said โ€œHoney, we donโ€™t need that modern technology,โ€ pointing at the ceiling fan I continued, โ€œWhen weโ€™ve got something thatโ€™s revolutionary.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mydoingthisright
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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My dad had this continuous joke, that made no sense...

What's the difference between a duck? One of its legs are both the same

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Dee_Jey
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 24 2013
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At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he's adopted?

Never. Let them continue to think they are your biological dog.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Jan_Tik
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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"Anything these days," I told my son.

He frowned a little.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"Huh?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"I don't understand. Explain?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

He sighed loudly.

"Are you crazy, dad?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"Dad, snap out of it. What's going on?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"Dad! Dad! Come on. Tell me what you mean?" he asked.

There was a pause.

"Anything these days," I continued.

At this point he was enraged and yelled, "Jesus Christ, I've had enough of this nonsense. What on Earth are you doing? Have you lost your mind? Jees. You're driving me insane!"

There was a silence.

"This is the world we live in," I concluded. "You can't say anything these days without offending someone."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TommehBoi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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At a formal event, roll your tie up into a little bundle just below the knot.

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

Then ask someone, "which of the 2 flaps do you think will unravel first?"

&nbsp;

After they guess, let in unravel and go, "Its a tie!"

&nbsp;

...continue doing this to every single person you can in the room wearing a shit eating grin the whole time, until your wife pulls you aside and tells you it's time to leave (out of embarrassment and frustration).

&nbsp;

now you get to go back home and do Dad stuff as you please!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jakjaklivs
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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What did the Walmart cashier say to the screaming customer?

โ€œItโ€™s actually not a very civil way to communicate, yelling that is. I would quite appreciate you being more respectful for us to continue our interaction, thank you. Sir.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hisairnessag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
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I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you donโ€™t.โ€ And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town canโ€™t be buried here.โ€ I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz theyโ€™re still alive!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
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There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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โ€œBack in the day...โ€ my grandfather started to say. โ€œYou could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.โ€

โ€œBut today...โ€ he continued. โ€œWherever you go, there are cameras...โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 04 2018
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