I’ve got a device consisting of a circular canopy of pink fish on a folding metal frame supported by a central rod, used as protection against rain.

Now I have salmonella.

(I’m sorry, it’s a fishy joke)

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eriknobeats
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
For my birthday in mid-January, I invited a few friends over to a highly populated urban residential area consisting mostly of closely packed, decrepit housing units inhabited primarily by impoverished persons.

It's my first slum-brrrr party so wish us luck!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the name of the dessert consisting of Espresso poured over Vanilla ice cream?

It was on the tip of my tongue, but Affogato.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
There's a girl group that consist of failed fashion models.

They are called One Expression

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TL4Life
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A German Family consisting of a Mom, Dad, 8-year-old son, and 6-year-old daughter walk into a bar.

The Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
There's a show that consists only of people peeing.

You can see it on a number of streaming channels.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
This year's Fibonacci Convention was a great success.

It was as big as the last two combined!

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdb12345
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Barnyard studies have consistently found

that two out of three pigs use inferior building materials.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Carpicon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the gang consisting only of people with the running noses?

They’re called the Aller G’s

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/midy-dk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the queen cover band consisting of ducks?

They do most queen songs but they don't quack under pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uglyoldbob
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Even though the protein store was consistently out of stock, one guy still made sales

because where there is a Will, there is a whey

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nikhilbhavsar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I get it, you hated him 4 years ago ...

... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.

πŸ‘︎ 121
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eaglehawk2011
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
When flirting consists of solid puns...
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EternallyRoaming
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?

It’s a master peas.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nathansaterda
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts

They have a lot of spirit

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MonotoneYay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My family was talking about my sisters project where she had to make a Roman theatre. In it she put some guys stabbing each other, as a demonstration of how plays sometimes consisted of people actually killing each other to make it more realistic.

I mentioned that they used slaves and criminals, since they would have a hard time getting actors to play the part of someone that actually dies, and my dad disagreed.

He said: No, people were dying to have that job.

Sorry if something like this has already been posted.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ytrbpt_Hsbom
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
If you die of obstipation what quantity of your body weight consists of excrement?

One turd

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boetzie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
what does goblin's blood consist of?

A hemogoblin

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Duyungrql
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
The greatest baseball player ever was a guy named Hugh McBealy, and he was most famous for every single time he came to the plate knocking the ball high over right field and into the stands.

He scored a home run every single at bat, and always the exact same way. Way over right field, too high for anyone to reach, and it always landed in exactly the 17th row of the stands, give or take a couple feet.

He earned the nickname β€œthe machine” for how consistently he hit the exact same spot every time. Right field, 17th row, every single time. He did this for 20 years before he retired. Tickets to the 2-3 seats that the ball always landed on sold for over $2k a pop by the time he retired because you were guaranteed at least a couple home run balls.

And the day he retired a reporter asked him β€œHow does it feel to be retiring as the greatest hitter of all time?”

Hugh just looked at the reporter puzzled. β€œWhat do you mean?” He said.

The reporter clarified β€œliterally over 5,000 times you went to the plate and hit a home run to right field, 17th row of the stands!”

Hugh looked dejected and disappointed β€œyeah, my greatest failure...”

β€œWhat do you mean?” Said the reporter incredulously.

Hugh let’s out a long sigh, and looked down at the ground quietly for a moment before finally speaking.

β€œI’ve been aiming left this whole time”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Frnklfrwsr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call consistent bad luck on the highway?

Car-ma

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pman6543
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are horses such consistent and dependable voters ?

They always vote "Neigh".

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SunsetDonuts
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
🚨︎ report
When I asked my dad if he thought it was a good idea to switch my diet to one consisting mainly of almonds, cashews and macadamias...

He just shrugged and said, it’s ok, go nuts

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kiwicanary
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the music group that is consisted entirely of members who are HIV positive?

They call themselves The Band-Aids

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Its_Kid_CoDi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
🚨︎ report
How can you tell when a mirror is not consistent with your beliefs?

It does not reflect who you are.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Torley_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2018
🚨︎ report
I've started writing my updates for my team's daily meetings in the form of a nineteen-line poem with two rhymes throughout, consisting of five tercets and a quatrain.

Alas, I'm not a very good poet.

In fact, my manager told me he's never seen such a wretched scribe of scrum and villanelle.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asmor
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2017
🚨︎ report
My dinner tonight consisted of the internal organs and entrails of a butchered animal.

It was offal.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RandomDrunk88
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2017
🚨︎ report
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.

The results speak for themselves.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stupidboy0
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
🚨︎ report
If you measure the length of your thumb, you now have a consistent measuring tool with you at all times.

In other words, a consistent rule of thumb.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sykilik101
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2015
🚨︎ report
I've started a new competitive pun gameshow podcast entitled 'Punnit' and I'm looking for contestants! First two episodes in the comments.

'Punnit' is hosted by myself and played over three rounds. The first two rounds consist of one category (say, Musical Genres & Ailments), with each contestant going in turn and giving their best 5 entries. Such as, HIVy Metal, Honky Tonksillitis, Indiegestion etc.

These two categories are known about a week or so prior so everyone can bring their best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) but the third round is entirely on the spot, with the entrants shouting out whatever they can think of for a category. One of the recent being American Presidents & American States, with OklaBama winning that one.

It's all very much in the early stages but I would appreciate both feedback on the format and people getting in touch if they wanna duke it out.

Here are the episodes: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKJOzYgG9MW7CQHAZQahiqw/videos

Follow us too @thepunpodcast

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PattersonHoodlum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
There are two types of people in this world.
  1. Those who are consistent

b. Those who aren't

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jcode777
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
🚨︎ report
The Rude Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said β€œI believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.” John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up, and asked very softly : β€œMay I ask what the turkey did?”


I'd like to thank my friend John for sending me this dumb joke

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fred1840
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
🚨︎ report
r/dadjokes leaked into my real life

Last week, this gem was posted: https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/ckwidu/a_wife_asks_her_husband_could_you_please_go/

I told my wife and kids, got groans. Later, I was on the phone with my dad, making plans to meet at Fenway Park, and told him. He loved it and told my mom. A couple of hours later, he calls me back and is still dying over the joke.

Tuesday night, I was taking my parents to the game (Mothers/Fathers day gift) and met them at the park. When my wife and I arrived, they handed my wife a bag of avocados.

Thanks r/dadjokes for consistently brightening my day.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JackFunk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Pulled some culinary joke on my Girlfriend.

We were making pancake mix and it was a little thick, so I was pouring milk and stirring to get a better consistency. Once I got a good mix she said

"That's better"

I look up and say

"No, that's batter"

She hit me.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/War_Messiah
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2016
🚨︎ report
My husband just nearly made me drop my sandwich with laughter

Him: Did you hear about the famous scientist who was also a father and a cannibal?

Me: confused stare

Him: Thomas Ate-his-son.

πŸ‘︎ 366
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Misogynist-ist
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2015
🚨︎ report
I melted in the 103 degree Dallas heat just to document this pun - I hope it was worth it..... imgur.com/lRgYEuB
πŸ‘︎ 149
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ultra-saurus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
🚨︎ report
Aids
πŸ‘︎ 264
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XenobiaXD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2014
🚨︎ report
New tomb discovered

A new tomb has been discovered in the valley of the kings, Egypt. The grave goods seem to consist purely of ancient chocolate and nuts. Apparently, the tomb belonged to the 'Pharaoh Rocher'.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Minefield2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
[Request] Blog name suggestions (the punnier the better)

I'm starting a blog as a disabled writer consisting of anecdotal posts about the funny, but unusual circumstances my disability and wheelchair put me in. Any names that come to mind? Particularly fond of blogs titles like Laughing at My Nightmare and Bag Lady Moma. I'm in a wheelchair and have 24/7 care, my disability is Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA)... go as wild as you like

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jessdon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Went to a friend's house and was offered dessert.

They offered me a disclaimer. "The custard tastes good, but the consistency isn't normal"

I responded "Oh, so it's off-pudding?"

Only her father laughed with me

πŸ‘︎ 569
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kvekva
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2016
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into a bar

he later leaves the bar, because he realizes that his alcohol dependence is driving a wedge between him and his family. After a while he returns to the bar, because he was so drunk that he forgot his wallet their. He then drives home, crashes into his own front lawn, knocks on the door, to find his wife standing their with a bread roller in hand. She asks him, "are you drunk you swine?!" he replies, "no ma'am, I just forgot my wallet at the bar, so I had to swing back and get it....because I was their getting drunk, I'm sorry for lying to you officer..." his wife then leaves him and goes to the same bar to get drunk.... his entire family consists of alcoholics...

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nirvanaspirit666
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend took a difficult test on the consistency of ground water today...

I said, well water doesnt sound that hard

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jmkinn3y
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2017
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 79
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
There are 2 types of people in the world.
  1. Those who are consistent

b. Those who aren't.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jcode777
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
🚨︎ report

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