What does a debt collector say when complimenting a duck?
βYou have an outstanding bill!β
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︎ Sep 26 2020
My pregnant girlfriend was noticing and complimenting my figure after going to the gym and eating healthily for some time.
Me: so what youβre saying is... βdad assβ.
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︎ Jul 06 2020
I'm quite insecure about my home baking skills, though people kept complimenting me on my home made bread.
"Thanks" I said "I kneaded that"
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︎ Apr 18 2018
After complimenting him on his recent weight loss my dad told me that he has been on a seafood diet
"I just eat everything I see."
God damn it, Dad.
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︎ Jan 20 2015
My wife said "I look fat, give me a compliment"
I said "you got perfect eyesight."
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︎ Jan 07 2021
I canβt do good work in Excel without getting compliments,
I really need the validation.
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︎ Jan 06 2021
Why didn't the pro golfer wear his golf shoes during the round? (Compliments of my stylist)
Because he's got a hole in one.
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︎ Dec 11 2020
Someone complimented me today by calling me a windmill
Honestly I'm not a big fan of that
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︎ Dec 08 2020
Someone complimented me on my driving the other day.
Left a note on the windscreen; Parking Fine!
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︎ Oct 12 2020
I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".
" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.
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︎ Dec 08 2020
How do you correctly compliment a dad joke?
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︎ Jun 09 2020
ΰΌΰΊΆβΏΰΌΰΊΆ
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︎ Nov 20 2020
(Compliments of my 5 year old) Why did the chicken walk under the cow?
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︎ Jun 24 2020
Dad, I feel fat and ugly... Give me a compliment...
Dad: You have good eyesight !
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︎ Feb 03 2020
My music teacher gave me the best compliment ever
So i (16M) like jokes. I told one to my (awesome dad joke enthusiast) music teacher that went something like.
him picking up a guitarr
Me: why are you so strΓ€ng?
StrΓ€ng means guitarr string and also strict as in a strict teacher in Swedish.
He laughed a bit and said: "you are gonna make a great dad"
Thank you PΓ€r, love ya buddy!
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︎ May 23 2020
Someone: I like your name!
Me: Thanks, I got it for my birthday
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︎ Aug 06 2020
After a long day, it was nice to hear someone compliment my homemade bread.
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︎ Dec 07 2019
How does Darth Vader like his steaks?
Well, done done done, done da done, done da done
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︎ May 11 2020
Figure this one out, get a compliment!
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︎ Jul 12 2019
Thanks man
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︎ May 05 2020
"You da bomb!" is a compliment in the West.
And an argument in the Middle East.
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︎ Oct 20 2019
But I wonder what they really do when we tell the waiter to give compliments to the chef
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︎ Aug 21 2019
I complimented my imaginery friend the other day.
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︎ Jan 11 2020
Iβm easy going, my wife says Iβm handsome. Sheβs a control freak but I tell her she is beautiful. We are different but we compliment each other.
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︎ Nov 05 2019
Thereβs a school for communists, and do you know what the best compliment a teacher can give to a student there?
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︎ Oct 15 2019
Someone complimented me from Sweden. I said...
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︎ Mar 04 2019
I found the perfect way to compliment my kids using mathematics
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︎ Apr 15 2019
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly sheβs not your friend anymore.
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︎ Jun 23 2019
How do you compliment a hard-working man who love cats?
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︎ Jul 11 2019
Someone just complimented my wife and told her that she and our daughter looked like twins.
I said, βWell, they were separated at birth.β
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︎ Feb 06 2019
My 7yo son to my 10yo son: βTell me a mean complimentβ
Me interjecting: βYouβre average.β
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︎ Mar 20 2019
Somebody complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said βParking Fineβ. So that was nice.
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︎ Oct 22 2018
What a compliment.
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︎ Feb 16 2019
Complimented a friend on her musical knowledge today...
Me:
> I don't know how you find the time to listen to so many bands.
She replied:
> Yeah, I just have a lot of bandwidth.
Normally, I'm the one with the awful puns. I paused, saw her grin, and had to high five her.
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︎ Feb 09 2015
Girlfriend paid me a compliment.
GF: I like your forearms.
Me: I only have two.
I had to explain it, but then she slapped her forehead. I know, she only has one.
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︎ Dec 04 2014
Elevators give really great compliments.
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︎ Dec 31 2018
Which bird is the best at searching for compliments?
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︎ Apr 21 2019
Wife: βI look fat, I really want a compliment!β
Husband: βWell... You have amazing eyesight!β
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︎ Jan 15 2019
I'm pretty proud of this one [fishing for compliments]
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︎ Aug 06 2016
How do cats compliment each other?
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︎ Feb 23 2019
I gave a flat-earther a compliment.
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︎ Jan 19 2019
Never give a short person compliment,
It goes straight over their head.
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︎ Sep 14 2017
What did the sad baker say when his bread was complimented?
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︎ Oct 31 2017
Wife: I look fat, Give me a compliment
Husband: You have perfect eyesight
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︎ Sep 10 2020
Wife : "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment to cheer me up"
"You have perfect eyesight"
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︎ Feb 14 2020
After a long day it was nice to hear someone compliment my homemade bread
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︎ Dec 08 2019
Elevators give the best compliments.
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︎ Dec 31 2018
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