He ignores all my comments
"Oui oui, c'est Le JIT."
I wouldn’t. It would be a grave mixtape.
I shall call it “Prose and Cons”
Now that's what I call Now That's What I Call Music.
It's called "Wisdom of the Kraut"
Let's compile the greatest, most eye rolling, groan inducing list of xmas themes dad jokes so we can all make our relatives not invite us next year!
I'll start;
Why can't Santa stop delivering presents? There's a Claus in his contract
What's Santa's favourite metal band? Sleigher
And call it ASsMR
I'm training for this ahead of time.
Edit #1: Thank you reddit. I think you ensured I will be getting divorced. Don't let up, it's full steam ahead.
Edit #2: My wife hates train puns. I sent her screen shots. She's on to my loco-motives.
Edit #3: I'm speechless. Largely because it's like 6am and I want to stay quiet to not wake up my wife, she's out coal'd, snoring like a freight train. I feel like you all really railed it with these jokes. I hope that she doesn't chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga choose choose to divorce me. I couldn't wait until the train ride. I told my wife some of the jokes. I working on a YouTube compilation of them from last night. I feel like she conducted herself quite well.
Edit #4: [These jokes were off the rails. Here is the YouTube link of my wife's reaction so far.] (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)
Edit #5: I'm about to start training.
He will re-curse it.
For the record, my dad didn't say any of these. Also, they get kind of weird near the end.
My vacuum sucks, or, rather, doesn't suck.
That drawing looks sketchy. Something about it looks... shady.
Lightbulb is a smart guy. Some might even say he's bright.
"Mmm, cheesy" he says as he takes the macaroni out of the oven.
When entering a planetarium, my father mentioned how he'd like some cookies with his Milky Way.
Oreolas = cookie nipples (Couldn't really think of a way to set this one up that didn't make it even more awkward.)
"Underwear? Under there?" My dad mentioned as he put his pants away.
Edit: If you've any others, share them in the comments!
Lacks Cetacean..
So we're just sitting on the couch, watching an animal video compilation (her absolute favorite) when she suddenly gets up to go to the kitchen.
As she's walking to the door, a Morey eel shows up on the screen...
She looked at me, grinned REAL big and goes;
"baby! Do you now what that is?" followed immediately by her singing... "that's Amore!"
Yeah... She got me. Hard Groan.
In his honor I found this compilation of his 100 best jokes
https://youtu.be/7GfWXN5Lp1s
As a kid I loved to get the sunday comics from the paper and read Calvin and Hobbes. I loved it so much my parents would get me the compilation books as gifts for birthdays and christmas. I always thought it was funny when Calvin would ask his dad how "x" works. One day my son when he was about 6 years old asked my why some TV shows were in black and white. Inspired by this calvin and hobbes comic where Calvin's dad explains why photos are black and white. http://picayune.uclick.com/comics/ch/1993/ch930919.gif
I decided to do the same thing to my kid. I told him that the world was black and white back then and that things didn't start to become in color for decades later. I got a good chuckle out of it, but because he was so young, I didn't realize that he actually believed it. I soon forgot that I told him the world was black and white. When he was about 11 or 12, one day I got a call from my wife and she asked me, "Did you tell your son that the world used to be black and white?" I start laughing immediately and said yes! How did you know? She said because your son is writing an essay about how the world used to be black and white for school and he asked me what year the world became color. He believed that for like 6 years!
So at work recently theres this vegan burger called the impossible burger. when we pack them up we have to label the number of burgers and the name of them. Typically I wouldn't mess with that stuff since it might throw off the person restocking but the containers they put it all in makes it all quite apparent which ones are which burger. Anywho I began making puns on the labels starting with "kim-possible burger" and I wanted to see what you all could come up with. (I also did the small pee-pee burger but that wasn't really a pun). Anyways plz comment what you can think of that would be a pretty cool pun for the list and I will compile it all together. Thanks and regards, Thomas
Proudly I bring you my Dad’s first joke book! He’s a dad and he compiled all of these hilarious jokes about coffee(possibly the best drink known to man)!
Here’s a few from the book;
-Coffee doesn’t ask me stupid questions... be more like coffee
-Don’t try to please everyone... remember you are NOT Coffee
-My morning coffee gives me the strength to make it to my mid-morning coffee
I was compiling a shopping list for things to pick up from the store when I asked my wife if there was anything she could think of to add.
"I don't know... Dryer sheets?"
"Dryer sheets? The ones on the bed right now seem pretty dry, I don't know how much drier the ones at the store will be..."
Classic.
I want to compile a list of fedora puns. I thought maybe you guys could help.
The list so far:
-
Fedora the Explorer
-
Fedoral Sex
-
Fedorable
-
Fedoration
-
Fedoral Offense
If you have any that aren't on the list, please comment with them! Thanks!
