I kneaded you, but you weren't bready for the commitment.
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DisorientatedBee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife says I have commitment issues...

My girlfriend disagrees.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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A lifelong commitment to a pun
πŸ‘︎ 549
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DIA13OLICAL
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2017
🚨︎ report
Life/ commitment advice from my dad

"Son, excuses are like assholes. Everyone in this life has one, but not everyone uses them for the right reason."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wtfcj
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2014
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DadJoke Commitment

My dad's favorite movie of all time is "It's a Wonderful Life" starring Jimmy Stewart. If you haven't seen the movie, you won't get this.

So, my dad changed his text-tone on his phone to a really high-pitched "diiing!". And I shit you not, every time, without fail, whenever he gets a text, he says, "Another angel just got his wings!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grumble__Cakes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2014
🚨︎ report
Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that again, I could've killed myself!

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nagitoe_
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2021
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What do you call a crime, committed by a fruit?

A strobberry.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calivera1308
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
After your uncles wife commits arson
πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrdicknballs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Did y'all hear that Thanos has been committed to an insane asylum?

It's true. He snapped.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
If you commit 90 sins, you will only get caught half the time.

Because sin90 = cot45.

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
🚨︎ report
My left knee has never committed a crime.

I can’t say the same for his felony.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nate_hawwk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
If your dog shakes hands with your enemy, has he committed a foe paw?
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CatsCreepMeowt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a crime committed using a Su-57?

A Felon-y

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/djiuh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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What happens after an alligator commits a crime?

You call an investigator

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
What happened when the leader of Russia committed a crime?

He got Putin jail

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/apeskoot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a bird that has committed a crime?

An illegul.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mRmyster76
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada

is it a 34 degree murder in the US?

πŸ‘︎ 504
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FriezaAndHoushi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
How did Hitler know it was time to commit sucide.

He got the gas bill

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/worthrone11160606
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
After being single for years, my best friend said, "Can I set you up?

I said "Go on then!!"

Now I'm doing 12 years for a crime I didn't commit.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who commits arson in late November?

A Sagi-terrorist

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brichouse
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
The author of Webster's dictionary committed suicide with the book he wrote.

At least he died on his own terms.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I got arrested for having one sodium atom and one chlorine atom

They said I committed a salt

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/therderper123
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2021
🚨︎ report
What crime did a test commit?

It didn't commit a crime, the teacher just told me to turn it in.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chonqme
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the math book commit suicide?

Because he had a lot of problems.

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_L_v_e_S
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Schrodinger’s Cat has committed unforgivable crimes.

He is wanted dead and alive.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MajicMan101
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the french chef committed suicide??

He lost his huile d'olive

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yuri-123
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
An avocado thief was caught committing a crime...

I heard they tried to get away ,but they didn’t av a car doe...

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FaberEggMaster
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
In response to the American coin shortage, Canada has committed to providing the U.S. aid

They give us Nickelback

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SquireX
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
If you get released from a mental institutional, and then get committed again-

is that re-psychoing?

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/guavacadus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What does Venom use to commit crimes online?

The Dark Web.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/morsodo99
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the Nike’s employee die?

He committed shoeicide.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordIggy88
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Italian who committed identity theft?

Police say he was an impasta

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yaboibaka
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A policeman pulled me over the other day and started crying as he was writing me a traffic ticket. I asked him why was he crying?

He said it was because I committed a moving violation.

πŸ‘︎ 375
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a crime committed by a cat?

A feline-y

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MansNotHot772
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a dream where I was a wharf accused by the state of committing a crime...

I had a right to trial with a jury of my piers.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Programming Introduction

When you start programming, people push you to GitHub and then you commit to GitHub.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IAmTrident
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
What crime did the forest commit?

Treeson

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/knittingmonster
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I have commited several war crimes in uzbeckistan and am giving myself in for gassing hundreids of civillian houses
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dog-loaf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the train conductor commit a crazy crime?

Because he had a Loco-motive

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MJRichter
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
my legs were thrown into jail today

I heard they committed a felo-knee

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Echo_The_God
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm sure you've all heard about the ship stuck in the middle of the Suez canal

If I were that captain I'd be so ashamed I'd commit Suezside

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bovabu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Norway just made the decision to put QR codes on the side of all its war ships.

Now they can Scandinavian!

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ValkornDoA
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I committed Seppuku once. I don't think I have the guts to do it again.

Seppuku is the suicidal act of stabbing yourself in the stomach.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JaredLiwet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
A scuba diver committed suicide today

He just couldn’t handle the pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who commits a murder with a deck of cards that only has clubs, spades, and diamonds?

Heartless

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lego_luke
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
If you commit 90 sins, you will get caught about half the time.

Because sin90 = cot45

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/qarasaq
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that Thanos was committed to an insane asylum? It's true.

He snapped.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report

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