I got a Jack-in-the-box for Christmas. It was broken when I unwrapped it though.

No surprises there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckdodger1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2022
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I got a box of dad jokes for Christmas, this was the first joke it shows:

Thanks for explaining the word β€œmany” to me

It means a lot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeeBoolean
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2021
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Friend of mine at work won a fishing pole and tackle box at the Christmas party.

He drives a mustang and was trying to figure out how to get it in his car.

Friend: β€œHow do I get this thing in my car? It’s almost as tall as I am!”

Me: β€œGuess you’re just gonna have to angle it.”

Friend and everyone in a 30 foot radius: -groan and facepalm-

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Returningdarkness
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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In many countries in the world, the day after Christmas is called Boxing Day.

It gets a little rough, but so far I'm undefeated.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XxPLAZEKxX
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2017
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Father's Gift: And on-going saga (not a Dad joke, per se - sorry)

Didn't know where to post this; but since it's Father's Day, I wanted to tell you all about a little family tradition that started because Dad, is Dad.

18 years ago (Not about, trust me, I know this one to the date) I was over Dad's house and I needed a wrench, and coming from a long line of mechanics, I knew he's have one available as I didn't have my kit in my car, so I asked to borrow one.

Dad of course said yes, handed me the mechanic's tool box, and just out of habit, I opened it and immediately noticed that a Craftman's 7/16, ratchet-end wrench was missing.

Again, I come from a LONG line of mechanics; every tool has its place, be it in a drawer, box or outlined on a peg board, and I thought it was weird that Dad lost a wrench out of the spare / house tool kit.

"You're missing a 7/16." I pointed out, showing him the missing slot.

Now Dad, being Dad, just had to bust on me a bit, so looking me dead in the eyes and beaming a huge smile he responded: "It was there when I gave it to you."

Mind you, I hadn't left the kitchen. I hadn't so much as shifted my FEET. I knew he was lying, he knew he was lying, but it had been ingrained in me since childhood that losing a tool is a death sentence.

Now, I knew he was busting my balls and I let it go; but from that day forward, anytime we needed something, he'd make a comment like "Sure wish I had that 7/16th wrench that Coyote lost." or "You know what would fix it? That missing 7/16th wrench."

This went on for MONTHS. So one day, he made the usual "tease me for losing a tool" comment and I warned him. I looked him in the eyes and said:

"Say it ONE more time old man, and you're going to get that wrench every Birthday, Father's Day and Christmas for the rest of your natural life."

Few hours passed, I asked him to hand me a tool and he said: "I can't you lost it, remember?"

I laughed, and played it off -but it was on...and that was 18 years ago.

Today, being Father's day, he just received his 52nd craftsman's ratchet-end, 7/16th wrench.

Since that day, he's tried telling me that he knows that I didn't lose it, (I knew that already) that I don't need to buy it (Oh, I fucking DO.), and he's occasionally tried to say it was a different size or item to get a different present, but we both know that's not happening.

They're everywhere. Every coffee can, junk drawer, cabinet, tool box, peg board or spare nail in the house and garage contains a Craftsman's 7/16 ratchet end wrench. You know how they say you'r

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UncleCoyote
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2022
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I made an IRL dad joke a few weeks back...

and it may be my crowning achievement.

We did a delayed Christmas at the in-laws a few weekends back (COVID happened) and my FIL is the kind of jokester that does things like wrap one boot in one present for his wife and the other boot in another.

Mom-in-Law says, "look at him, stretching one gift into two...."

Father-in-law then opens a gift from her and it's a winter vest. Without missing a beat I say, "look who's stretching gifts now, where's the box with the sleeves!?"

I never post so I had to build karma before sharing but hopefully it was worth the wait!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/luckduck53
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2022
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Found an ad for a prosthetic leg.

They said it would make a great stocking stuffer.

So anyway, I got to thinking that if I had to choose between this and a box of Christmas incense I would keep the leg for self defense. Because the femur of the season is more deadly than the myrrh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VoxTonsori
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2021
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Gift exchanage

A group of bar regulars walk into a bar for their annual day-after-Christmas gift exchange. As they are opening their gifts, one completely bald man opens his box to discover a lovely comb. "Ah, thanks guys," the bald man says. "I'll never part with this."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2021
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My son was eating out of a bag of Swedish Fish

On Christmas my aunt gave my son a small box of Swedish fish which he immediately devoured. At the moment he threw the empty box on the coffee table I looked at it with wide eyes and said, "Oh look! Now they're Finnish!" He didn't get it.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Polabeya
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2016
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What about the star?

My husband and I finally finished decorating the Christmas tree tonight. There’s always a star and we forgot to grab the box from the basement. I said to my husband, β€œWhat about the star?” Without skipping a beat, he says, β€œIt’s 2020. Zero stars.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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When I was a kid, my Dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I was greedy and came up with the β€œbrilliant” idea to ask for 10 thousand bucks instead of a toy so that I could buy heaps of toys.

To my surprise he shrugged and said sure.

On Christmas Day, I excitedly tore open my gift box. To my anger and disappointment, it only contained 10 plastic toy pigs and deers.

β€œDaaaaaddd!!!!” I wailed in tears.

Dad gave me the biggest shit-eating grin and said β€œWell, I got you ten sows and bucks just like you asked.”

πŸ‘︎ 149
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarkHonnor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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My wife told me that if I got her one more idiotic gift she would burn it.

So I got her the night before Christmas DVD box set...I kinda wanted an extra copy for my mom

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/irieball
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2018
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Got my dad today with one of the oldest Dadjokes in the book.

My parents got me a vacuum for Christmas. I got it out of the box today and tried it out while they were getting groceries.

My dad comes home and sees the vacuum sitting out and asked if it worked alright.

"It really sucks!"

He looked worried for a second and I just started laughing. He finally caught on and he let out a groan.

One of the oldest ones in the book, but I was proud of it.

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emperor_of_Cats
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2014
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Computer Puns

How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.


Where’s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.


A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.


If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.


There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.


In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?


Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.


Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.


Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.


An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks β€œmay I join you?”


Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.


Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.


How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.


I named my hard drive β€œdat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to β€˜back dat ass up’.


I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.


I changed my password to β€œincorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say β€œYour password is incorrect”.


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.


Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.


I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn’t have internet.


A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.


Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2017
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Grandad is still a dad

Grandad- "Well I finally got to try out my walking shoes you got me for Christmas!"

Me- "Yeah? How were they?"

Him- "Well I took them out of the box and watched them for awhile, but they never started walking. Guess they're broken."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ILikeMasterChief
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2014
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On puppies as presents. I laughed so hard I almost couldn't finish the joke

I jokingly told my wife and 5 year old daughter that I was hiding a puppy in a box until Christmas.

Daughter: I hope you poked holes in it so it can breathe!

Me: puppies can breathe out of their nose and mouth why would I poke holes in it!?

I thought it was funny..

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucky5150
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2014
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They have brandy filled chocolates at Trader Joe's.

I brought a box of brandy chocolates to my parents' Christmas party. My dad patted me on the back and said, "Brandy? You're a fine girl."

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/squeakybucket
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2014
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my dad's christmas present

So my dad just got his concealed weapons permit recently so for Christmas my step mom got him a new pistol. Since she didn't want to wrap a handgun, she printed out a flyer from Cabela's and taped it to a stray dumbbell weight to disguise it and wrapped them up in a small box.

When my dad opens the box, without missing a beat he coolly says, "Oh, look! A new pistol with the mandatory waiting period...."

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/glevino
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2014
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Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all who on this day will hear or utter "It's a box!"

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/average_gilbert
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2013
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Urban livestock

Background: house in the suburbs. Cleaning before putting up Christmas decorations. Mom had a wicker box out for something.

Dad: And that just leaves the wicker pannier. We need a second one of these so the burro doesn't tip over... you know, they've got those in New York now.

Mom, only half listening: Panniers and donkeys?

Dad: Burros. Five of 'em.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anoria
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2017
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Getting down the Christmas Decorations..

So my Pops asks if I could help him get the Christmas "stuff" down from the loft with him. We have a loft above the garage where we store seasonal decorations.

He'll go up in the loft and I'll stand on the middle of the ladder, where he hands me the plastic containers, which I'll place on the floor.

As soon as he gets up there I see that the most accessible and logical box to take down first is the one with the wrapping paper. I reach for it and he shoos me away coming up with an excuse to leave it up there for the time being.

Right then and there I knew exactly what he was doing and I couldn't stop it.

We get the absurd amount of containers down until there's only the one left. He hands it too me and says, "Whelp.. that about wraps it up. Haha."

It's not even that good and I knew it was coming for the whole half-hour, but never the less I rolled my eyes and gave him his moment of glory. He deserves it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wh33zi3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
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Happy Holidays Edition

I was over at a friend's house a couple of weeks ago when his dad stopped by. I've had this friend for twenty years, and his father knew me since I was a wee lad. All of the Christmas decorations are strewn through the neighborhood, including my friends neighbors house whose yard is filled with these 4 foot tall wrapped Christmas gifts adorned with colorful lights. My friend's dad looked out the window and saw the boxes. "Say, your neighbors left some pretty big presents out in the yard." My friend replies, "You should take 'em, save money on your. Christmas shopping." His dad instantly says, "They might be too big to fit in my car. Although, they do look pretty...light."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Murmur322
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2013
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