We couldn't afford a dog...
I tell her cool I'm secondy. She does not appreciate the joke. Neither does anyone else.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My wife and I really got into it last night. She's disgusted about the way I raised my daughter," the guy says. "Especially as I only had a pair of sevens."
A stormtrooper.
Is guilty of resisting a rest.
Child - Knock knock Parent - Who’s there? Child - You’ve forgotten me already!
She was having a midwife crisis.
Turns out they’re not too keen on small arms trafficking.
the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers. "Oh, you're four," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?" The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger."
...they are automatically promoted to babystander.
Its ok though, baby got back.
About 500 years after.
Because they won't fit back in the box.
Usually with a phone, goofball!
A small medium at large.
Infantry
By moving around the furniture
Bit of dark joke, added the NSFW just in case
An udder disappointment...
I told her, “thank you that means a lot”
I said "look, I'm going to be transparent with you"
I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.
Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.
Said if she ever hosts a gender reveal party, when it comes time to pop the balloon she'll spray everyone with water.
Gender is fluid.
You're supposed to pick your own.
To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.
"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."
“Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."
“Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."
“Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."
“Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."
as I slowly became transparent
Midlife crisis.
it will be their crowning achievement
Minimum Mouse.
Mrs. Doubt Pfizer
Cuz he was a Weezy baby!
They took my son to run through some procedures and my wife asks me:
Wife - “Can you go wait outside the procedure room so they give the baby to you instead of waiting on a nurse to free up and bring him?”
Me - “No problem! I’ll stand out there acting in-patiently!”
Wife - 😑
Pastafarian
I told him it wasn't a child's suit of armour but a Summer suit of armour.
When he asked why I told him it was because nights are shorter in summer.
He kept shouting, 'Mum, stop! Why can't you use a sponge!' 😀
They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. > The boomer waves this off and says the kids these days are just too sensitive, and that he fought for civil rights in the sixties and did his part.
They go back and forth on this for a while, and finally the Gen Z kid says, "we're just not gonna settle this. We don't see eye to eye. You're too old and out of touch and I'm too young and inexperienced. What we need to do is ask a Millennial with a PhD in sociology for their opinion."
The boomer says, "that's a great idea!" And yells, "HEY BARTENDER, C'MERE!"
The doctor told me I shouldn't be worried since contractions are a normal part of child birth.
They're labour-kuchen. . . . . Am I ready?
I think it's absurd.
"What about Eeyore?"
A Quarterling
As it turns out, identity theft is illegal.
Now he’s a great grandfather
...they are automatically promoted to babystander.
