Both parents agreed the child should be sheen and not heard.

We couldn't afford a dog.

I kid you not.

As far as I’m concerned, I have no son

Edit: Looks like I’m getting downvoted. Pretty sure that’s a good thing on this sub. Some people just can’t think straight

He said “inflation”

I now realize that was a huge miSTEAK.

Ap-parent-ly

Turns out it was a kid-nap

I go up to him and say, "Mister, you've gotten yourself into one hellova sticky situation"

it's a-me malario!

i became completely see through - i am a transparent now!

An infantry

are they guilty of resisting a rest?

I tell her cool I'm secondy. She does not appreciate the joke. Neither does anyone else.

I guess it's all in the delivery.

As a new dad I finally feel qualified to 'post' these jokes.

A Minor

Thank goodness, I don’t like the one we have either.

Because, transparency.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My wife and I really got into it last night. She's disgusted about the way I raised my daughter," the guy says. "Especially as I only had a pair of sevens."

A stormtrooper.

This was their crowning achievement.

Without missing a beat, my wife said, "Of course not. They're rectangles!"

What did the pirate say to his pyromaniac child?

Ar-son!

But when I called them a kid, they just said, "meh."

Now he’s a great grandfather.

It’s a process called pa’s-mosis.

It was pandamonium!

A cold shoulder

By moving around the furniture

Bit of dark joke, added the NSFW just in case

Turns out they’re not too keen on small arms trafficking.

"Oh, the hu-man-atee!"

I kept a log.

Three bags of skittles and a small body to hide.

Child - Knock knock Parent - Who’s there? Child - You’ve forgotten me already!

She was having a midwife crisis.

About 500 years after.

...they are automatically promoted to babystander.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

“Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

“Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

“Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

“Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

I said "look, I'm going to be transparent with you"

right up until the moment she became a vigil-auntie.

We couldn't afford a dog...

Is guilty of resisting a rest.