Cashier's Check Puns

“Because you’re ugly.”

"Nothing personal."

I'll never go thru the selfie checkout again!

I said you dont want these hands son.

Is that how you get your electrolytes?

I was very surprised that he responded : "Yes, because I am A Man!"

Cashier: Sir, please stop writing checks for each item separately.

And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was, a free bee!

The cashiers check me out every time I go shopping!

So I was checking out at the store with my girlfriend. All I bought was toilet paper and bacon. The cashier scans my two items and says with a straight face: "it's no wonder you have a girlfriend. You're rolling in the paper AND bringing home the bacon."

Definitely made me laugh, and he just went about his business like he never made the joke at all.

As we were checking out this conversation occurred.

Cashier: would you like your milk in a bag?

Little brother: no, keep it in the jug please.

About 8/10 when my dad was checking out at the grocery store or best buy or somthing with a rewards card he would do the same dad joke (which I now find hilarious). If the cashier was a woman, this would go down:

>Cashier: Your total is $x.xx. Do you have a rewards card with us?

>Dad: uhh...I don't think so...

>Cashier: Well what's your phone number?

>Dad: Sorry I don't just give my number out I'm married.

idk if this counts but it was one of my dad's go-to's and the amount of times he did it combined w/ the eye roll punchline made it one to me.

Teenage me cringed, probably gonna do it myself at some point now. I accept my dad joke fate.

Was at ingles checking out. The cashier said, "these are big baby carrots", without missing a beat I said,"it's because they are toddler carrots.

(☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞

One of my first jobs was at our local grocery store, where I was a cashier. Our store had those misting hoses that periodically would shower the produce items with water, so sometimes things were still wet when customers were checking out. My parents were shopping and of course came to my line to check out. I picked up a bag of vegetables, which happened to be leeks. One of the leeks must have been laying in the produce section perfectly upright because it had about 6 ounces of water in it and when I layed the bag down to type in the code, it all poured out of the bag all over the register. My dad proceeded to scream "we've got a leek!" loud enough that everyone around could hear. Other employees thought we had an actual problem and came rushing to my aid... Not one laugh could be heard..

We're at a shop's checkout.

Dad is paying in cash, with 20s and 50s, so cashier decides to run them under one of those special lights to see if they are fake. My dad looks them straight in the eyes and says 'No need to check, we got them fresh from the printer at home!'

Dad walks up to the Lowe's cashier attending to the self-checkout machines:

"Excuse me, where's the mirror?"

Cashier goes, "Uh," clearly flummoxed.

Dad, "I just wanted to check myself out."

Sorry, but I need to vent!! So I went to Target to get some clearance Halloween stuff. I noticed this lady was staring at me in the same aisle I was in. No biggie. I moved to the next aisle and here she comes. Again... STARING! So now I'm like, What is her problem?! I finish up my shopping and head to the check out line. Of course who is there ahead of me but this same lady. She turns around and starts staring again. So I start playing with my phone b/c I'm getting a little uncomfortable. Finally she says "I want to apologize for staring at you, but you look just like my son who just passed away." I felt really bad after that and gave her my condolences. She says "Thank you...but I have a favor to ask. I know it's weird and understand if you don't want to, but can you give me a hug and say 'Bye Mama' to me?" Inside I was like buuuuh?!??!, but understanding grief the way that I do, I went ahead and did it. She smiles, thanks me, and leaves. The cashier rings up my stuff and the total comes out to $100.87. I knew something wasn't right, because it should have been like $40 or so. The cashier then tells me that my total was included with my mom's. I'm like, "What?!!!" She said, "Your mom said you were paying for her last few items along with your things. I told her that the woman was most definitely NOT my mom. She said, well I saw you hug her and heard you call her mama. I'm like OMG...I flew out of the store looking for this horrible person, ready to drag her back in, I see her loading up her car! She saw me and jumped in her car, I got to her as she was putting her leg in, and I started pulling her leg hard enough that her wooden leg came off!! Omg how is this happening right now?! So I grabbed her other leg and started pulling! Just like I'm pulling yours right now!

Just found this subreddit and, being a dad, I figured I needed to share some material...

I'm checking out at the home improvement store, my wife standing next to me as the bubble-headed cashier rings me up. She gets to a bag of six inch galvanized spikes that I was buying for an outdoor project. Trying to look up the price in her book, our ditzy cashier holds one up and says, "Is this nine inches?" I smile and turn to my wife saying, "Her boyfriend must love her. He's got her convinced that that's nice inches..."

At that point my wife slapped me saying, "You're disgusting!" and our little airhead just stood there and had no idea why.

I was covering a cash register while the normal cashier was on break when this guy walked up to me to check out. As i was ringing him up, he casually asked, "do you think they have the 4th of July in England?" I told him "I have no idea", and he responded, "of course they do, it comes between the third and the fifth!"

I was so proud of him.

So I'm a cashier and I've heard nearly every tired joke that customers say to get a laugh out of me. To be honest, they usually only get a pity chuckle and a half-hearted smile. But this guy... he was one Funny Old Dude

This guy and his wife walk up to my register to check out. They look like they could be older than my grandparents. Him, his wife and I were just make cordial small talk, when my coworker who was a bagger today walks up.

>>Bagger: "Would you like paper or plastic today, sir?"

>>FunnyOldDude: "What was that, son?"

>>B: "Paper or plastic today?"

>>FOD: "What ever you want, man. I'm bi-sack-ual."

I busted out laughing. I never expected to hear that! And definitely not from this old white guy!

Standing in line awaiting check out. As the person in front of me pays and walks off, it is now my turn to be rung up.

The cashier looks at my case of beer and says: "Do you have your ID?"

I say: "Yes"

long pause awkward stares

Cashier says: "Can I see it?"

I respond cordially: "Yes"

long pause even more awkward stares

eye rolls

Cashier finally gets it and says: "May I see your ID?"

I laugh and say: "Why of course you may see my ID"

My Dad and I were at a store and he wanted to see if an old credit card he had still worked.

Dad: "Can you see if this card still works after the purchase?"

Cashier: "You'll need to check the front desk for that."

Without missing a goddamn beat, he pulled a check/cheque out of his wallet and placed it on the counter.

He checked the desk.

The cashier facepalmed. I facepalmed. He cracked up. I walked away.

Go to check out a register

Cashier: "will that be all for you today?"

My dad: "that's all I can afford!"

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

So I went to Asda with my dad, as we reached check out the cashier looked up and asked if we wanted free bags..

Dad - "sorry?" Cashier "..free bags"

Dad - "oh indeed...three bags full! (complete with finger wag)

Cashier - "no. the bags. they're free."

I walked out, chuckling.

So one day I was in the grocery store, and when I went to check out there was a lady with a lot of items in her cart. She offered that I go in front, but I declined. After all of her groceries were checked out she walked off to her car. When I went to pay for my groceries it had her items on my list to pay. I looked at the cashier and she said that the lady said I was her son and was going to pay for everything. I explained the situation, and the bag boy and I ran out to stop the lady. When she saw us she started running to her car, so we chased her. When she got in her car we grabbed the door and started pulling her leg. Like I am doing to you.

I'm checking out at Costco today when the cashier behind me yells to another employee, "Hey bill, can you get me some tens and twenties?!" An older dad is walking by and says, "Yeah Bill, I'll take some twenties too!"

I chuckled

My wife, daughter, and I were shopping for gifts for a baby shower and were checking out after getting what we needed. My wife handed the list to the cashier so should could scan the barcode and here is what happened next:

Me: Oh, you scan that so it shows what has been bought?

Wife: Yeah

Me: I didn't know that. Only thing I've ever bought for a shower is an umbrella.

Cashier laughed, wife just rolled her eyes....

“Sir, please stop writing separate checks for every single item.”

Cashier: Sir, can you please stop writing checks for every single item?