Today is the day I can post it
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︎ Mar 02 2021
Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
π︎ 9k
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︎ Jan 21 2021
Today I found out that you can actually hear the blood flowing through your veins.
You just have to listen varicosely.
π︎ 5k
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︎ Jan 24 2021
Why can't jedi use the Kelvin scale?
Because only a sith deals in absolutes
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︎ Mar 18 2021
Why canβt two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks.
-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Dec 20 2020
How can you tell the gender of an ant?
Drop it in water. If its sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant
π︎ 70
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︎ Mar 20 2021
Being the new guy can suck
π︎ 1k
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︎ Jan 25 2021
Why did the man put his glasses in a can of beans?
π︎ 11
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︎ Mar 19 2021
did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a soda can?
he was lucky it was a soft drink
π︎ 80
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︎ Mar 13 2021
Weβre you aware that the NFL has a rule on professional athletes and the animals they can own as pets? They are prohibited from owning a duck as a pet!
π︎ 7
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︎ Mar 22 2021
I keep reading The Lord of the Rings over and over again and I can't stop.
I guess it is just a force of Hobbit
π︎ 16
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︎ Mar 22 2021
Why canβt you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the pee is silent.
Iβll be here all day
π︎ 36
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︎ Mar 18 2021
What do you call an Irishman you can leave outside all night in the rain?
Paddy O'Furniture!
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
π︎ 27
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︎ Mar 16 2021
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know thereβs no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
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︎ Mar 18 2021
Can one of the Mods please explain to me why my post was removed?
I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over....
π︎ 21k
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︎ Oct 20 2020
I canβt take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...
My fault for getting one thatβs pure bread.
π︎ 10
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︎ Mar 06 2021
Why can't the bike ever get up on time?
π︎ 22
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︎ Feb 18 2021
Which alcoholic drink can give you the illusion that you're hurt?
π︎ 5
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︎ Mar 17 2021
Where does the remote go when you canβt find it?
π︎ 46
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︎ Mar 07 2021
Why can't DJ's find work in the seafood industry?
Because they are always dropping the bass
π︎ 31
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︎ Mar 08 2021
If you change word "Love" to "Lunch", you can totally change the meaning of a lot of songs.
All You Need Is Lunch
Do You Believe In Life After Lunch
Lunch In An Elevator
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︎ Jan 23 2021
Why can pirates never finish the alphabet?
Because they always get lost at C.
π︎ 12k
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︎ Oct 12 2020
A Man in a hotel has trouble finding his room, goes down to the front desk and asks ' Excuse me, can you tell me what room I'm in please ? '
Certainly Sir, said the receptionist...this is the Lobby.
π︎ 49
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︎ Feb 20 2021
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
π︎ 2k
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︎ Dec 17 2020
Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.
π︎ 844
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︎ Dec 29 2020
I saw Kate Middleton's sister leaving a plastic surgeon's office the other day, but I can't tell you what work she had done.
That would be a Pippa violation.
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︎ Mar 08 2021
What type of music can the Royal Family not listen to?
π︎ 5
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︎ Mar 23 2021
An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
π︎ 10
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︎ Feb 23 2021
Why can't the lake have two docks?
Because it would be a paradox.
π︎ 13
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︎ Mar 14 2021
Iβm addicted to abusing nuns, I just canβt not hit them, the only thing thatβs worked for me is redirecting it to somebody else.
Iβm trying really hard to kick the abbot
π︎ 2
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︎ Feb 12 2021
Iβm planning a paint themed party for my friend, any paint/art themed puns I can use for the invitations?
π︎ 2
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︎ Feb 05 2021
I'm just going with the classic spaceheater. It's the best housewarming gift I can think of.
π︎ 7
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︎ Feb 22 2021
Thousands of people have found the device that can cut their electric bills in half......
π︎ 6
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︎ Mar 17 2021
After hours of trying, I finally got the lid off a can
π︎ 12
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︎ Mar 01 2021
Why canβt the crocodile get it up?
He has ereptile dysfunction and lives in Lake Flaccid
π︎ 4
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︎ Mar 17 2021
Was so proud of my boys. I just asked them what we should call the can opener that just broke. Iβm an instant they said, βA canβt opener?β They will be good dads someday!
A pic for anyone who wants to see it:
https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/lum6ev/so_if_this_is_broken_would_it_now_be_a_cant_opener/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
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︎ Feb 28 2021
When is the one time you can't dance to hip hop?
When you're waiting for your hip op
π︎ 6
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︎ Mar 14 2021
What is the pasta dish that can dance?
π︎ 4
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︎ Mar 14 2021
I can't believe I just got fired from the calendar factory...
All I did was take a day off.
π︎ 59
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︎ Feb 03 2021
How long can you keep turkey in the freezer for?
I put one in last night and this morning it's dead!
π︎ 7
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︎ Mar 09 2021
How can tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile
Itβs how they say goodbye !!
π︎ 17
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︎ Feb 05 2021
A woman suddenly in labor shouts, shouldnβt! wouldnβt! couldnβt! didnβt! canβt! The doctor says "don't worry."
βThose are just contractions.β
π︎ 13k
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︎ Sep 16 2020
Why can't you hear the psychic going to the bathroom?
π︎ 21
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︎ Feb 18 2021
βͺWhy canβt 2021 take a picture in the dark
because it doesnβt have flash
π︎ 208
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?
You just have to listen varicosely
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Nov 09 2020
Why canβt DJs find work in the seafood industry?
Because they are always dropping the bass.
π︎ 104
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︎ Feb 09 2021
I got hit in the head with a can of soda.
Luckily, it was a soft drink.
π︎ 458
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︎ Dec 28 2020
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