If someone is burnt and needs a skin graft, can I donate the skin tissue on my butt?
π︎ 1k
π
︎ May 25 2021
Today is the day I can post it
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Mar 02 2021
Two potatoes are standing by the side of the road, how can you tell which one it the prostitute?
π︎ 51
π
︎ Jun 07 2021
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jun 03 2021
Can we ban jokes about German sausages? They are just the wurst
π︎ 32
π
︎ May 26 2021
What is the longest sentece you can get by using two words?
π︎ 20
π
︎ Jun 07 2021
An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German where all attending a Zoom meeting. The Supervisor asked βcan you see me ok?β
To which they answered βyesβ βouiβ βsiβ βjaβ.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
Why did the happy-go-lucky man quit his job at the Pepsi can crushing factory?
Because it was soda pressing. π¬
π︎ 22
π
︎ Jun 05 2021
Canβt believe I got sacked from my job at the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
π︎ 51
π
︎ Jun 01 2021
A lot of people canβt tell the difference between entomology and etymology.
I canβt find the words for how much this bugs me.
π︎ 377
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
π︎ 31
π
︎ May 22 2021
Daughter: Dad, can you pause the movie so I can grab a snack.
Dad: (grabs the cats paws and pushes them) Sorry, I'm pushing pause but it's not working!
π︎ 124
π
︎ May 06 2021
Why canβt you do Schrodingerβs experiment on the surface of Mars?
Because Curiosity killed the cat.
π︎ 72
π
︎ May 15 2021
We're all steakholders in these incidents. Corporations need to beef up security or these costs will go over the moon. Criminals can't get used to CEOs chickening out and paying.
theguardian.com/food/2021β¦
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 02 2021
What do you call the journey to find someone who can talk without moving their lips?
π︎ 22
π
︎ Jun 04 2021
What's the best compliment you can give to singing mountains?
Wow, that's quite a range!
π︎ 21
π
︎ May 19 2021
does anyone know the name of this hand movement asking if the person understood the pun? (I can't find many images/gifs of it)
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 06 2021
Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
You have a 2-door car you want to display. You get it detailed. You put it on a platform so everyone can see it. You set up special lighting so all the details shine.
You have just staged a coupe.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 06 2021
The doctor said I canβt have any more red meat
So I started cooking my steaks well done.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 08 2021
Me: "Excuse me, can you show me where the self help books are?"
Librarian: "Well, that would kinda defeat the purpose, don't you think?"
π︎ 531
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
I can only remember 25 letters of the alphabet
π︎ 75
π
︎ May 14 2021
Doctor told me my insurance doesn't cover Viagra, but he can prescribe me the generic.....
π︎ 71
π
︎ May 07 2021
What's the only band you can listen to while doing electric work?
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 27 2021
I can't stop climbing up through the garage to the roof...
π︎ 24
π
︎ May 15 2021
What state in the US drinks the smallest cans of soda?
π︎ 65
π
︎ Apr 21 2021
I was hoping my friend would catch the can of lemon lime soda that I tossed her.
But unfortunately, Sierra Mist.
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 28 2021
A man and his son go to the optometrist and both have the same prescription but can't afford two sets of glasses.
His solution? "I wear my son's glasses at night..."
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 27 2021
Why can you hear ptarmigans go to the bathroom?
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 23 2021
I guess you can say Santa gives kids gifts... ON THE HOUSE
π︎ 11
π
︎ May 01 2021
Why canβt two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks.
-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
My wife shouted, "You need to do more chores around the house!" Groaning, I pleaded, "Can we change the subject?" She smiled and calmly replied...
"Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you."
π︎ 78
π
︎ Apr 19 2021
My house got broken into the other day and now I can't get to my bedroom upstairs.
When they left, the burglars took the stairs.
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 24 2021
Today I found out that you can actually hear the blood flowing through your veins.
You just have to listen varicosely.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
Bill Gates: Hey Melinda, can I keep the MS Office as part of the divorce settlement?
Melinda Gates: Bill, ...you have my Word.
π︎ 13
π
︎ May 16 2021
The black eyed peas can sing us a really good song...
but the chickpeas can only hummus one.
π︎ 37
π
︎ May 08 2021
I canβt get over the fact..
that the word βgullibleβ looks like a cat upside down
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 19 2021
The saddest activity in my life...is crushing coke cans.
π︎ 126
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
Where can you read about the latest news at the beach?
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 16 2021
Can't wait for the Mexican remake of Highlander
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 27 2021
Did you know habaneros can grow in the snow?
You would think they would get cold, but they are just a little chili.
π︎ 181
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
Why can't a Jedi solve the integral of 1/x?
Because only siths deal in absolutes.
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 27 2021
A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future.
The doctor asks him, "How long have you suffered from that condition?" The guy tells him, "Since next Monday."
π︎ 14
π
︎ May 20 2021
I rode my bike again for the first time since my teens. I canβt believe that I can still ride it so well.
Itβs just like riding a bike.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 02 2021
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"How about something to eat?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"What about some peanuts?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
The anteater replies, "I was born with it!"
π︎ 177
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︎ Mar 25 2021
I bee-leave I can touch the sky
π︎ 42
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
After graduating from the Aerosmith Chinese culinary and language school, I can finally...
Wok this way, and talk this way
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 22 2021
Why can't you play poker in the jungle ?
π︎ 28
π
︎ Apr 07 2021
Why can't the pirate play Magic the gathering?
Because he is sitting in his deck
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 11 2021
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when they go to the bathroom?
π︎ 23
π
︎ Apr 30 2021
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