I took a shortcut through some bushes, but didn’t realize I was walking into poison ivy...

That was a rash decision.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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85 y/o married couple next door can hardly walk. I sometimes see them creeping around the bushes between the houses.

They're a pair of old, worn out sneakers.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayZinnet
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2018
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So here's my impression of Robert DeNiro, Jackie Chan, and President Bush walking into a restaurant.

"Table for 3."

My grandpa says this joke weekly, and cracks up every time.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HobbitSauce
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2014
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In the bushes!
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Croxsy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2018
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Two guys were stranded in a desert.

The first guy was named Jim and the second guy was named Joe. They were starving, and dying of thirst. They kept walking in one direction hoping that they would get out of the desert before they died. They had been lost a long time, and it wasn't looking good.

Then, in a stroke of good luck, they found an oasis. In the oasis there was plenty of water and trees growing. On the trees, was every kind of bacon imaginable. Crispy bacon, soft bacon, even Canadian bacon (even though it doesn't really count). Joe says, "I'm going to go eat some bacon."

So Joe goes and gets some bacon out of a low tree.

Just as he takes his first bite, a gremlin jumps out of the foliage, and stabs him in the back with a knife.

Joe is laying on the ground dying, and his friend Jim comes up to him. Joe says in a warning, "Jim run away. It's not safe here!"

"Why not?" Jim asked.

"This oasis isn't what it seems! It isn't a bacon tree, IT'S A HAM-BUSH!!!"

And he died.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xnightshade2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2017
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Jam is made of sticks

Was walking round a public park today with the family, and the where these big doughnut shaped bushes. I told my 8 daughter they are full of jam...

Her: Don't be stupid, they are full of sticks.

Me: But what is jam like when you get it on your fingers?

Her: it's sticky...grrrrr < KICK >

Me: Owch! < lol >

πŸ‘︎ 154
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mub
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2016
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Bacon Puns

Why didn’t the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!


Whats green and smells like bacon? Β Kermit the Frog’s finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?


Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.


Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Β Kevin Bacon


If you can’t get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries


Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? A1: Frankenswine A2: Hamlet Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.


Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.


What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.


Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon. What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.


What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.


How do they get up there? In pigup trucks. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.


What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.


What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you’re bacon my heart melt.


What are they warned to watch out for? Pigpockets.


First Carter Page and now Betsy DeVos. Trump’s cabinet is like a game of six degrees of Kevin Bacon except with Russia.


Everything must be wrapped in bacon, including bacon.


If Kevin Bacon doesn’t whisper β€œHere comes the Baconator” before he has sex all my faith in humanity is lost


I’ll acknowledge Canada Day when they finally acknowledge that’s not bacon


If Donald Trump really KNOWS the average WORKER then where are the pics of Trump hungover in 7-Eleven buying bacon in sweat pants?


This guy ordered a vegetarian sandwich and then added bacon. It was like watching someone have a mid-life crisis and then find a cool hobby.


If we don’t build a wall on our northern border, they’ll soon be maple syrup & Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.


I signed an Executive Order to make Saturday morning bacon and eggs and pancakes with triple butter and syrup non-fattening.


My bedroom smells like maple, bacon and beaver…because I’m Canadian.


When the waitress calls you Babycakes you know you’re getting extr

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2017
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My boyfriend's razor sharp wit

So after half an hour of trying to shave with an old razor, I walk out of the bathroom and say to my boyfriend "Honey, remind me to get a new razor, this one's blunt." and he replies "Well, I don't think one that beats around the bush would be much use either."

Groans ensued.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aggibridges
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2014
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This dad got a police dispatcher good.

Dispatcher: Hello this is 911 what's your emergency?

Dad: Yeah hi, I was just walking through the woods and I found a suitcase in a bush and inside there's a fox and 4 cubs.

Dispatcher: Oh my god, that's horrible. Are they moving?

Dad: I don't know to be honest, but that would explain the suitcase.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrmonkey86
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2015
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Dad told this joke to my brother and I, our parents have been divorced 10 years. Bro didn't appreciate it

'Here right, I was walking home from the pub last weekend and you know what I'm like when I'm drunk, singing to myself and stumbling all over the place haha. So I walked up the back road, yano the one with trees and bushes on either side of the road and I was singing away, loving life.

Then all of a sudden this figure dressed in black appeared, I couldn't really make out what it was. I got a bit closer and it ran at me, now you know I'm a hard man but it scared the life out of me! This weird looking man looked up from beneath a dark cloak thing and said 'I AM THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS' so dad goes 'awk for fuck sake, why didn't you say. I'm Marty, I married your sister.''

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Porridgeandpeas
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2015
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Got my supervisor while at work today, I'm 17

I bought some wooden birds that one of the IT guys from Africa sells and I walk into my area to change into my work clothes.
My supervisor says to me, "You got a bird in your hand."
I say, "Yeah! It was worth 2 in a bush! ( Ν‘Β° ΝœΚ– Ν‘Β°)"
Supervisor: ΰ² _ΰ² 

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yellananner
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2014
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Got a couple of maintenance guys at my daughter's school today.

Went to pick up my daughter at school and noticed a rather large beehive in a bush and let the office know. As she and I are leaving, a couple of guys are looking at it and I walk up and say, "What's all the buzzzz....about?" Many groans were heard.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShaaaaaWing
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2015
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Dad joked dad

So I was walking along a bush path with my dad and brother and I was smashing them one after the other

"dad I keep feeling these plants, they probably want me to leaf it alone hahaha. How fern-y am I haha. If you guys don't like these jokes, I have found the root of the problem. I should probably branch out on my type of jokes, but I'm totally rockin it. I am having the moss-t amount of fun right now hahaha".

I thought it was hilarious but they just looked at me haha

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/silly-bowser
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2014
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Got my brother while walking to the library

My brother and I were walking to the library after I picked him up from school, and some bushes moved a little bit as we passed by them.

Bro: Did you hear that?

Me: Hear what?

Bro: The rustle in the bushes

Me: How did you know his name was Russell?

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hex498
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2014
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Bush Joke

Today on a walk, my wife asked me, "Are those bushes evergreen?"

I replied, "Of course. They're green right now."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jdfoote
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2014
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