Boastfully Puns

Every decade.

I don’t know how he sleeps at night.

They’re a real Dildo Braggins

I love chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtedly the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?"

Autumn leaves

there’s three main candidates in the running. first is joe biden, looking to keep the presidency; second is donald trump, looking to take back the presidency, and lastly is obama, wearing a sombrero and a mustache, going by the name… juan-bama. as the election results are tallied in, it’s apparent that it’s a perfect three-way tie in both the popular vote and the electoral college. the nation is in uproar, nobody can reach a decision as to how to choose the next president. but at last a solution comes forward: a literal presidential race. whoever can run the fastest lap around the white house—timed by a secret service member—will be sworn into office.

first up is donald trump. he boldly states “this will no doubt be the fastest lap around the white house, perhaps even the fastest lap run anywhere, ever,” but, not being in the best shape, he takes 18 minutes and 34 seconds.

next is joe biden. he doesn’t waste any breath for trash talk or boasting, he just readies himself at the starting line and—at the count—takes off. he’s running fast, really fast for someone of his age… at least for the first 5 minutes. but he forgets where he’s going, and finishes his lap as a leisurely walk around the grounds, taking 26 minutes and 49 seconds.

lastly is juanbama, who runs like hell around the white house. he’s running fast, faster than he’d ever run before. he completes his lap, collapsing across the finish line, and looks up desperately at the secret service member. “what was it?” he asks. “what was my time?”

the agent looks down at their stopwatch. “twelve oh-three.”

juanbama looks at them in disbelief. “well,” he sputters, “that’s got to be some sort of record!”

the secret service member shakes their head. “no, actually. bush did nine eleven.”

Batman.

Coz: Nana Nana Nana Nana...

He likes to keep them loki

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

"It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.

With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"

He certainly won that game.

"They become brain-dad!"

“I’m Thor” he says.

He's a lyin' tamer.

"Ammonia cleaner." She replied. I said, "Sorry, I thought you worked here."

A polygloat

shameless shelf promotion

People called him leche-erous behind his back.

But I cooked it in a minute flat.

There's nothing worse than chess nuts boasting in an open foyer..

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

The manager comes over and says, "Could you both go to your rooms now?"

They ask, "Why?"

The manager replies, "Because I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Dad asked them angrily to go away, and when they asked him why, he told them:

“I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A chess tournament was hosted in a large hotel. The matches were civil and professional, but the payers would get noisy and brag loudly. It got so bad you could hear it all throughout the lobby Finally the manager shut the whole thing down and tossed all the players out of the hotel. You just can’t have chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

A husband and wife were on vacation to Moscow around winter holidays. Upon arriving, they stepped out of their car and noticed some precipitation. The husband turned to the wife and said, "I think it's raining."

"I'm not so sure. I think it's snowing." replied the wife.

An officer, who was clearly struggling with the worst of a cold and in no mood for chit-chat, happened to stop by the couple while he was lighting a smoke. The husband caught his attention and asked, "Officer, what do you think? Would you say it's raining or snowing?"

The officer briefly glanced up at the sky. "Definitely raining." he declared, before walking off.

The husband, with a nod and a grin, turned back to his wife and boasted,

"See? Rudolph The Red knows rain, dear."

"Hello!" the husband began. "We're going out for a meal tonight and we need a babysitter for our two-year-old boy that doesn't smoke or drink alcohol."

I said, "I'm not sure why you're boasting, I don't know any two-year-olds that do those things."

The two introduced themselves as Sven and Olf. Olf in particular was wearing a t-shirt with the USSR flag on and boasted a cap with a hammer and sickle on, so I assumed he was an avid communist. I asked them if either of them knew where I could get alcohol on the train, and Olf piped up:

"If you go to carriage 4, you can get a guinness, you idiot. You can also find a stella in carriage 6, dumbass. There's also someone microbrewing in the front of the train, but he looks stupid."

I was a bit taken aback at how mean Olf was, but I thanked him for the information. Soon after, when he got up to go to the bathroom, I asked Sven what the deal was with his friend.

"Don't worry" he said.

"Rude Olf the red knows train beer."

A Texan was getting drunk, loud, and boastful in an Irish pub.

"I'll have you know that in Texas you can board a train on Monday, eat, sleep and repeat for three days, and you'll still be in Texas on Thursday!"

Irish fella says, "I feel ya, my buddy. We have slow trains here too."

The first one turns to the other and says, “you know I beat Bobby Fisher a couple of times and even taught him a thing or two.”

The other one replies, “that’s nothing I took Kasparov, and Botvinnik down on a regular basis.”

The two continue conversing and becoming more animated in the stories of their Chess matches and conquests.

Finally a manager approaches and clears his throat. “Excuse me gentlemen. We’ve gotten a couple of inquiries about your discussion and unfortunately I have to ask you to continue this in your rooms or at the bar. We simply cannot have chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

I boastfully reply “I fucking hope not she’s only been on five minutes”

Me, being fed up with him always boasting, I asked," How could you even do that?"

With a smug smile plastered on his face, he replied," Thermal Signature."

The B-road starts bragging extensively about his status as a B-road. The bar staff and patrons aren't impressed.

Then, an A-road struts in. The A-road immediately starts criticising the B-road, whilst also bragging about his own status. The two get into a big argument, and the patrons are starting to get riled up.

Then, a motorway barges his way into the bar, and starts boasting that he is better than the A-road and B-road combined. The argument escalates, and some customers grab their belongings, preparing to leave.

And then, a solid white line walks into the bar.

The whole bar falls silent. The argument stops dead in its tracks, and the three roads immediately disperse, avoiding eye contact with the new customer.

The solid white line goes up to the bar, orders a drink, and consumes it slowly. The bar is still silent. As soon as he is finished, the solid white line turns and leaves the bar without a word. The three roads breathe a sigh of relief.

The barman is astounded. "What the hell was that about?!" he exclaims.

"We don't mess with him" mutters the motorway.

"Why not?"

"He's a cycle path".

Sorry to boast, but I'm just feeling really proud of mouse-elf

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

“But why?” they asked, as they moved off.

“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

It was Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Because he doesn't like chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

Chessnuts boasting in an open foyer

They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''