When I got mine the other day they told me I had to wait 3 weeks to get number 2.
I opened a bag of Doritos and was about to start eating when I heard a tapping noise from inside the packet. I looked inside the bag and saw ane little Dorito on using a typewriter. 'What are you doing ?' I asked 'Shh, I'm writing a whodunit,' came the reply. 'Of course!' I exclaimed, 'you must be Agatha Crispie!'
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
It’s syncing now
I said, “No, unless you Count Dracula.”
I replied “can I at least Taekwondo?”
She will be so happy when she finds out I ordered a new one.
It’s a small world.
I don’t understand why she feels that way.
My wife is still angry about it but me & Dave were drunk and thought it was hilarious
They were cooked in Greece
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it…
"Well this has been a really emotional day, gosh...even the wedding cake is in tiers." Got lots of heavy sighing, laughs and tons of boos....I was very happy with the reception
- thanks for the upvotes! Never thought I'd see the front page, it's been a pun-ishing wait to get there
My dad Gary responded:
"Thanks man, but I wasn't even running. I was walking."
Edit: Woah, this blew up more than I expected. Thanks, guys. I'll make sure to thank my dad for the fake internet points for a joke that made me groan. He's gonna love it.
It was a hard drive.
The doctor said it was a complete pain in the ass.
Every time my dad calls, he leaves a voicemail saying "Dad, Number 1."
I was on a bus route headed to Target to pick up some groceries. I was in a hurry so I had opted for the express route. The bus picks up on the part of my college campus where the streets are named after the great lakes. We pass Erie and Ontario, and the bus driver comes over the intercom and says:
"This bus will be express from Huron out."
Everybody groans, the driver has a good chuckle, and I begin laughing like a maniac.
I was scanning bays 400-415 and when I reached bay 404 I turned to my boss and said with a straight face "I just got an error. It's saying the bay cannot be found..." He asked what bay I was up to and I told him 404.
He looked at me with an unimpressed face while a colleague said that was beyond nerdy. I chuckled to myself for the next few minutes.
So there was this hitman named Arti, renown for his very affordable prices. One day, he gets 3 contracts. He follows them around, keeping track of their daily habits, and finds that each of them go to the the grocery store after work at the same time.
Planning to get all 3 at once, he makes him move and like always, was extremely successful.
The next day, the headlines read, "Arti Chokes 3 for a dollar at Safeway"
I'm a college kid that works fast food part time to pay the bills. However, I managed to get two of my friends jobs there aswell, and our manager is pretty cool. So we have good times there and it's never quiet.
Anyway, I was bagging up an order, and my manager thought it would be funny to follow me and tell me exactly how to do everything; open the bag, put the box in the bag, receipt in the bag, blah blah blah and so on. Once I had handed out the order, she was like,
"Alright job, thanks to me".
I responded,
"Oh yeah you were great. They should promote you to micromanager."
Got a good laugh out of everybody, and it will be on my life's highlight reel if I have anything to say about it
drive-thru employee: "Hello welcome to blah blah what can I get for you?"
me: "uhhh...give me one minute"
drive-thru employee: "got it, one minute...will that be everything?"
so I'm really interested in this girl, and she wanted to watch a movie with me at her place. I ask for her house address and the conversation is more or less this:
"oh my address is 747 blah blah blah st."
"I didn't know you lived on a jumbo jet!"
"That was awful."
"I know I'm sorry I was way out of line with that. It was a pretty plane and Boeing joke. I'm glad your feelings aren't up in the air about it though."
I might have heard a groan from twenty miles away.
From Tuktoyaktuk University, soley because it said "blah blah blah blah, degree from Tuk U."
He thinks it's hilarious.
So I was talking to my friend today and this happened:
"Blah...blah.... blah.... I'm really struggling with this class that I'm taking right now. And frankly put..... I need to get my shit together."
As soon as I've finished my sentence, he immediately replied with: "That's what Frank would've said."
It made me chuckled a little bit and I instantly thought of this subreddit.
CC: "He [a professor] actually taught my favorite class, [something blah of something]..."
I: "I thought your favorite class was the proletariat?"
CC: "GET OUT!"
Radio: Attention, an Amber Alert has been issued for the area of ______. Blah blah blah
Dad: That Amber, she's always getting lost. I mean, they had to make a whole alert system for her!
I work in IT for a school district. I was responding to a work order for a teacher at a Jr. High and he had a class in session so I stood quietly in the back until he had a free moment.
Teacher was explaining the objective for the day: "2-1 (two one is blah blah blah), and 2-2 (two two is blah blah blah)
Student: heh you said tutu
Teacher: tutu, yeah I like the ballet. (He makes a curtsy and it was funny because he is a larger guy). I was so hungry once I ate the tutu and it hurt my ballet (as he pats his tummy).
It took a second and the class burst out in laughter.
