He pulls out a handheld plastic device and says “Sorry kiddo, I left my Stud Finder on.”
Coworker: "Nah, how you gonna prove it?"
Me: "Easy, I have it here on tape!"
"Oh, Alcoholicia, I have a hell of a time with them - they just keep going off every time I pick one up." - Dad.
"Oh well maybe I shouldn't buy one if I can't fig... Wait. Oh my God, Dad, you're so embarrassing." - Me
He’s in for a rude awakening.
They microwave
Beep chirpy
Supplies!
I just want some peas and quiet.
No...it just beeped because my Shirt is Ironed.
Beep repaired.
Who’s there? Cargo. Cargo who? No! Owl goes who. Car goes Beep! Beep!
I told it that it needed to seriously chill.
It goes, "BEEP BEEP VROOM VROOM HONK HONK BEEP HONK!"
But sometimes I have trouble getting into the driver’s seat.
But you will have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
Because it was busy.
Kid: Y.
Dad: Because I want to know.
Beep Repaired!
Everyone keeps telling me no.
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
He fixed it and said, “Beep repaired”
A [beep]ing nightmare.
Because he was programmed too 🤦🏻
Passenger: Which bus are you?
Driver: I'm not a bus, I'm the driver.
Because the are making a beeping noise - beep! beep! beep! because they are are backing up.
So my dad just now made the dad joke of Christmas.
Mom: Hurry up and start rapping!
Dad: ( beep box/fake Rapping) okay there I'm starting!
"Dude we're only two days into it, it really hasn't been all that bad. Give it a week or two"
They beeped out everything he said!
GF: Don't you want to go check why the pantry door isn't closing.
Me: Wander over to the pantry, look inside, and spot the culprit immediately.
GF: So what was the problem?
Me: Slowly take the tin of jam out, and while grinning like an idiot, I look at her and say: Looks like the door had been jammed.
GF: Sighs and rolls her eyes.
It beeped.
He’s in for a rude awakening.
She’s in for a rude awakening.
That was quite a rude awakening.
She’s in for a ride awakening.
That was a rude awakening.
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.
