Barkeep Puns

A time traveler walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.

Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.

A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"

The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.

Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.

He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."

She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"

He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."

Barkeep: "What'll it be?"

Bear: "I'll have a scotch and....... ..... a soda."

Barkeep: "Coming right up, but curious, why the big pause, there?"

Bear: holds up arms and looks at them "I don't know. I've had them my whole life."

When he’s finished, the barkeep asks if he wants another. The horse replies, “I don’t think I do...” and vanished from existence.

To get the joke, you need to know Rene Descartes’ theory “I think, therefore I am.” But if I explained that before the joke, I would be putting Descartes before de horse.

<Staring into the crowd like Fozzie Bear>

... I’ll show myself out.

Man1: what do you do for work

Man2: i sell anti-polar bear spray

Man1: huh... there aren’t any polar bear’s here

Man2: good spray am i right

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." observed the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

The barkeep says, "You're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am," and vanishes from existence. See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'l think; therefore, I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

and orders a Jack and Coke, barkeep says “sorry, we don’t serve spirits here”

and not moving. "So uh, what's the deal with the dead turtle?" he asks. The barkeep perks up, "Dead? you say? I'll have you know that this is the fastest turtle on Earth!" "In fact, I have fifty dollars that say **this** turtle can beat **you** to the other side of the room!" The man looks at the motionless turtle and says, "Alright - Your on!" "on the count of three" says the bartender. "one" "two" "three!" and he picks up the turtle and throws it across the room.

A man walks into a science bar and says; "I'll have a H2O please barkeep!"

The barkeep hands him a glass, he drinks it and settles down to read his paper. the guy next to him says; "I'll have a H2O too please!"

The barkeep hands him a glass, he drinks it and dies!

Barkeep looks over, and says “Pirate, doesn’t that steering wheel get in the way?”

Pirate says “Yarr! It’s drivin’ me nuts!”

"A pint please barkeep" he says, "and one for the road."

Saunters up to the bar, the barkeeper asks “What’ll you have?”

“Pop.” Goes the weasel.

I started playing the lute at the pub for extra cash. Thought they would call me a musician but I got bard. Can't go there anymore. My buddy thinks it's because the barkeep wasn't in her minstrel cycle

And the barkeep yells "get out, we don't want your type here"

He sits at the bar and asks the barkeep, "I'd like a drink, please." The bartender looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve string here. You need to go." The string reluctantly says "Okay..." and leaves.

Outside, the string gets the idea to tie himself up and try again.

He goes back into the bar and sits down and asks for a drink. The bartender turns around and says, "Look man, I told you we don't serve string here. Please leave." The string gets up and heads back outside.

Determined, the string decides to try one more thing. He decides to mess up his hair, wait a bit, and try again.

The string walks back into the bar and sits down and asks the bartender, "Hello sir, I'd like a drink, please." The bartender looks over and says, "Hey, weren't you just in here not too long ago?"

The string looks him in the eye and replies confidently, "I'm a frayed knot!"

and says, "I'll have a gin and............................tonic please." The barkeep says "what's with the big pause?" The polar bear replies, "I don't know, my dad had them too!"

My Dad's favorite joke:

A polar bear walks into a bar and sits on a stool. The barkeep asks him, "What'll it be?" The polar bear says, "I'll have a scotch......................... and a bourbon" The barkeep asks, "what's with the big pause?" The polar bear answers, "I was born with them!"

[cue groan track]

A dog walks into a bar and he orders a pint, and the barkeeper is like "Wow! A talking dog, there's a circus in town, you should see if you can get a job!"

And the dog is like.. "Why, do they need an electrician?"