A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

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👤︎ u/Bugasum
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My uncle always told me he had a fortune in a safe deposit box. He left me the key in his will.

I went to the bank, trembling with anticipation, got access to the box, took it into the private viewing room. I opened the box and looked in, there was an envelope in side, when I opened it, a folded piece of paper fell out. I read it, and it said: "Good things are ahead for you. Your lucky numbers are 6, 10 and 13."

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👤︎ u/SteveHRRT
📅︎ Jun 11 2016
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Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? “My Fare, Lady”.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physician’s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


“What’s purple and 5000 miles long?” “Ooh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”


Every calendar’s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Four bucks,” says the bartender. “Put it on my bill.”


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

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👤︎ u/Punsville
📅︎ Apr 25 2017
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Internet Puns

A great bundle of Internet puns; enjoy!

You despise Microsoft FrontPage as a web editing tool and as extensions to your webserver.


You can answer the question ‘is the internet broken’ without laughing.


You can spot the theme behind the following list: RedHat, SuSE, Debian, Caldera, Slackware.


You can feel the load a server is under without actually checking statistics. It ‘just isn’t running right’ actually makes sense.


You maintain more than four websites and do not have time for a personal web page.


You know all of the following people by reputation and can explain what they’ve done that is relevant to your world: Steve Case, Linus Torvalds, Eric Allman, Sanford Wallace.


You know what TCP/IP stands for, not to mention DNS, HTTP, SNMP, BGP, OSPF, and DUN. You like acronyms.


I think Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it “Bang”. I mean, think about it.. “I BANGED Emma Watson last night.”


The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI…


On the Internet you can be anything you want. It’s so strange that many people choose to be stupid.


Girls are like an internet virus: they enter your life, scan your pockets, transfer money, edit your mind, download their problems and delete your smile…


Chuck Norris created the World Wide Web using a typewriter. When Chuck Norris plays hide and seek, even google can’t find him.


A press release: “Yesterday, for the first time a hacker was convicted of network penetration and went to jail to serve a 12 years sentence. According to the data of the central computer of the police, the hacker goes to liberty the day after tomorrow because of expiration of the sentence.”


Justin Bieber got 100,000 retweets for tweeting “Live life full”. That’s just 3 random words. I’m going to try now. Jockstrap squirrel potatoes.


Facebook: “My kids are perfect.” Instagram: “My kids are beautiful.” Twitter: “My kids are why I drink.”


The facts on this website are Chuck Norris’ smallest acheivements. If you knew what he was really capable of, you would never sleep at night.


Teacher: If you spend all your time sitting round playing on the Internet, you’ll be fat and useless when you grow up. Pupil: Wow! You must have spent hours surfing when you were a kid!


What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? An URLologist.

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📅︎ Apr 22 2017
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Here are some good ones

Doctor:"I've finished the diagnosis, you have ten to live" Patient:"Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks?" Doctor:"Nine"


At the boomerang shop:"I would like to buy a new boomerang please, also could you tell how to throw the old one away"


Two elephants see a totally naked guy. After sometime one says to the another:"I don't get it, how does he feed himself with that?"


Patient:"Oh doctor, I'm so nervous, this is my first operation" Doctor:"don't worry, mine too"


A naked women robbed a bank, nobody could remember her face


A women in bikini shows almost 90% of her body, yet men are so polite they only look at the covered parts


"Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?" Grandpa:"so that all of you can be really sad when you die"


Dentist:"this is gonna hurt a bit" Patient:"OK" Dentist:"I've been having an affair with your wife"


Men 1845: I just killed a Buffalo Men 1952: I just fixed the roof Men 2018: I just shaved my legs


A women caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking his stomach. "That won't help you ,joe, you know?" "Oh it helps a lot" says the man"it's the only way I can see the numbers"


"Honey, why did you build the child's bed so high?" "We can hear it better if he falls out"


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📅︎ May 14 2018
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Achievement unlocked - Received a handmade "Book o' dad jokes" for this father's day!

My kid surprised me today with a handmade book with dad jokes. Each joke had an associated graphic too as a bonus! I'm so happy I wanted to share the joy with you guys.

These are the 26 jokes (some I've learned from here, but a few of them I've never heard):

  1. I'm afraid for the calendar, its days are numbered.

  2. My wide said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That's a big step forward!

  3. What do a tick and the Eiffel tower have in common? They're both Paris sites.

  4. What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

  5. A skeleton walks into a bar and says - I'll have a beer and a mop please.

  6. Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.

  7. I don't trust trees, they're too shady.

  8. I don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.

  9. Did you hear the rumour about the butter? I did, but I'm not going to spread it!

  10. Why couldn't the bicycle stand by itself? Because it was two-tired.

  11. Why did Billy get fired from the banana packaging factory? He kept trowing away the bent ones.

  12. Why was math so sad? Because of all its problems.

  13. I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

  14. A guy walks into a bar and got disqualified from the limbo contest.

  15. Have you ever try to catch fog? I did once, but I mist.

  16. Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because it was outstanding in its field.

  17. What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.

  18. I Was going to tell you guys a joke about time travel, but you guys didn't like it.

  19. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

  20. What do you call a belt made of watches? A waste of time.

  21. Mountains aren't just funny, they're hill areas.

  22. Why are piggy banks so wise? Because they're filled with common cents.

  23. Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it's tearable.

  24. You know, people say they pick their noses, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

  25. What did zero said to eight? That belt looks great on you.

  26. To whoever stole my Microsoft office, I will find you. You have my word.

I hope you find a few new ones too in this list.

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"My dad always said:"

"Work until your bank account looks like a phone number".... Well, I did....Available Balance:

$9.11....

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👤︎ u/fredtechv
📅︎ Apr 12 2022
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