Avidness Puns

My wife doesn't want me using fowl language.

Murder most fowl

1

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But my doctor says I have to cut back on the salt.

I guess you could say I've got Daddy issues.

But during my college days at NASA, I was very much anti-gravity

Due to a fire at the bowling league’s headquarters, though, we will probably never know for whom the Tells bowled.

Send picture of boat.

He's never gonna give you 'Up'

When he did find it he told me he found da whey

Although I've never actually caught an avid, I still fish for them every time I go.

We spent ages winding up his estate.

8yo: "Dad! I've got a joke I think you'll like. It's about bikes."
Me: "Yeah? What is it?"
8yo: "What kind of moustache does a bike grow?"
Me: "I don't know."
8yo: "A handlebar!"

I'm very proud.

...is wasp!

Everyone knows the Pythagorean theorem, but few people know that Pythagoras was an avid and accomplished explorer who visited the new world before the Vikings or Columbus ever laid eyes on the continent. On one of his early visits he encountered a village and happened upon a woman, heavily pregnant sitting on the hide of a bear. He asked her what she was doing and she told him that she wanted to give birth on the hide so that her child would have the strength of a bear when he was born. As he walked further into the main part of the village he saw another woman, again quite pregnant sitting on the hide of a deer. When asked she replied that she wanted her child to have the grace and agility of a deer. Seeing a trend he was taken aback when he saw a very pregnant woman sitting on the hide of a hippopotamus. Surprised both at the choice and at the existence of such a creature, he wondered what she must wish for her child, but she replied that there just weren’t any other hides available for her so she took what she could get.

Many years later when he returned to the same village, he encountered the first woman and asked about her child. Was he as strong as a bear? She pointed him out and sure enough, her son was busy ripping a stump out of the ground with his hands, as strong as a bear! Amazed, he sought out the second woman, who pointed out her son, running through a field at great speed, as graceful and agile as a deer! Intrigued to say the least, Pythagoras sought the third woman. She pointed out her son, and he didn’t believe his eyes - he was both as strong as a bear and as graceful as a deer; a mountain of a man with grace and poise.

He wrote in his now-famous travel journal his amazing discovery; that the sons of the squaws on the two smaller hides are equal to that of the squaw on the hippopotamus.

Hey there!

I'm an avid dad joker, and it looks like within 24 hours I'll finally be a dad myself. Throughout the pregnancy, I've had a blast making jokes about womb temperature, and ultrasounds making her a womb with a view.

Now is where I need your assistance. I've been expressly forbidden from making any jokes during the labor process, which means I am of course going to make jokes.

Got any great pregnancy/labor/new baby jokes?

family member: "I heard that he was an avid hunter."

Granddad: "Now, what kind of gun do you use to hunt avids?"

My van's brakes have been grinding for the past few days and I was able to get them fixed yesterday.

On the way to driving my daughter, an avid WOW player, to school this morning I stopped at the stop sign and said, "You hear that?" She shakes her head no. "The brakes aren't grinding anymore. The van is now level 51!"

She simply looked at me and shook her head.

> Friend: Is it chilly outside? > > Me: No, it's America.

As an avid punster, the blank, angry stares I got after that one were a highlight of my year.

My dad who is an avid golfer steps up to the first tee today and says "You know why they call me BMW?"

Me: Why?

He proceeds to crush his drive down the middle of the fairway and says "because I'm the ultimate driving machine".

My dad is an avid curler and plays all the time. Someone from the club calls and asks him to spare for him and he answers: 'I'm not a mechanic, I cant fix your spare." I slapped my face a little too hard.

So having just seen this subreddit, I realize that my dad makes dad jokes too!

Here's some examples!

Whenever I / my sister would fall, or crash into something. Like, say, I fell on the floor

Me: Owww! Dad! I fell on the floor!

Dad: Oh no! Is the floor alright?!

(ba dum chhh!)

My sister's name is Helga, which can also translate to weekend in Norwegian

Dad: Question.

Helga: Yeah?

Dad: What are you doing in the weekend, weekend?

(ba dum bow-bow kachika-wow chhh!!)

Dad and me are avid fishers, so we've gone on fishing-trips in the nearby fjord, my dad is the type who buys the most expensive gear and fancies himself a bit of an expert

Dad: Say, let's make this interesting, let's have a fishing competition!

Me: Okay!

later that day I had gotten by far the most and biggest catches

Me: Hah, I won dad!

Dad: No, no. We weren't fishing about the most fish caught, the winner was the one with the least fish! I won!

(ba chinka dinga ka pow, bow dow kow!!!)

... Okay, so maybe the last one wasn't much of a joke, though. Hope you enjoyed the dadly jokes.

A family friend was over talking about how her grandfather was an avid gambler. She was telling us how family legend says that he lost his race track (they are very wealthy) while gambling at another race track. My dad chimes in: "I guess they probably called him Tolose Latrack (Toulouse-Lautrec) artistic facepalm