Despite all my effort, I can't produce more than a poormansteau at best
I can't believe he tried to pull this shit!
Many people booked it.
Now I have CO vid 19.
Police say he will be bailed out tomorrow.
... guess something went awry
However, he was running too fast and trips over the stairs on the way out and broke his spine.
You could say he ran at a break neck speed.
You just have to listen varicosely.
I've got a ton of sick beets.
But it's too late....she sank.
I'm mass-turd-baiting.
But today I found out jihad
I guess tri, tri again is the way.
An Owquarium!
Now my robberies have gotten a lot more successful.
Getting karma should be as easy as cake.
They were able to place the casket in the grave after the third attempt.
But they concluded a Pill-O helped everyone sleep better
(my first attempt, please have mercy)
Cop: Sir I need you to blow in this breathalyzer.
Driver: I can't, I'm an asthmatic
Cop: Then I need to do a blood draw.
Driver: I can't, I'm an hemophiliac
Cop: then I need to ask you to step out of the vehicle and walk in a straight line
Driver: I can't, I'm drunk.
Ok, I leave now....
debillatated
a Re post.
It was coup coup
That will be a hard one to crack.
Luckily I was in my living room.
This is a shit post
Clerk, attempting to add me to their email list: “Do you have a good email?”
Me: “It’s pretty good but I don’t know that I would brag about it. Thank you for asking.”
Clerk, as everyone around begins to laugh: “I love dad jokes. I need to call my dad”
My daughter tried to fain embarrassment but still tells that story at family gatherings.
But found myself grasping at straws.
He told me it was his first attempt at spam mail.
It was the right triangle.
They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.
Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.
As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.
They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.
Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?
They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".
They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.
But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.
The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.
And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!
Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?
"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"
In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and
... keep reading on reddit ➡Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
My daughter had to wire an essay about her hobby, which is softball. Her opener:
Pitcher this, you’re standing on a mound.
I was overwhelmed, and more proud than ever. She threw in some other puns too, it was an excellent essay, she’s giving me a run for my money, I batter watch out.
Edit: thank you u/PsychicGnome for the reminder that my kids are better parents than I am
I've become a master baiter
President Bush has bombed the Canary Islands. Turkey is next!
A dad joke.
How did I do?
Because all of the fans left.
He was charged with attempted murder.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Edit: My first ever attempt at a dad joke, and i never thought i would get anywhere this much upvotes. Thank y'all so much!
But a Pill-O helped everyone sleep better.
