Landed a simultaneous chemistry joke and dad joke

My wife drove by with the kids and visited me at work. While I was saying hi, this happened:

Wife: You have some silly kids in here.

Me: And in here [indicate my lab], I have some sili-cates!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maveri4201
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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Herbal essentials

Noted researcher Rosemary Fuller was involved in a lab accident today. She's working on the theory that herb-based formulas can actually reverse or accelerate the aging process. Parsley, for example, has been shown to cause rapid aging, and recent efforts have shown good results with oregano-based anti-aging serums. Ms Fuller was, unfortunately, standing near a vat of simmering oregano serum when a nearby researcher nudged her and she fell in! It appeared at first that the anti-aging serum would cause her to de-age down to nothing. Now, though, it looks like she'll be all right. The Parsley's aged Rosemary in time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/berenaltorin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.

She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, β€œwhere do I drop it off?”

She says, β€œGo in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -β€œ

β€œDon’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”

... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gorhckmn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian.

They’re immediately taken back to a room.

Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor
comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill.

β€œThis must be a mistake,” the man says. β€œI’ve been here only 20 minutes!”

β€œNo mistake,” the doctor says. β€œIt’s $100 for the lab test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LucianoMercuri__
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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Safety ratings

I work security at a large lab. We have a safety rating of green/yellow/red that we need to ask incoming workers. This occurred today when my co-worker greeted an incoming employee.

Co-worker: β€œHello. What kind of work are you doing today? Green, yellow, or red work?”

Employee: β€œI’m just going to my office to water my plants.”

Me: β€œThat’s definitely green work.”

Co-worker: β€œDid you have to?”

Me: β€œSorry. That joke was low hanging fruit.”

Co-worker: β€œReally?”

Me: β€œGuess I’m stacking them up like cord wood today.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/II_Confused
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
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Blood Test

I now have so much respect for all the jokes in here,

So i just became a dad on Friday to a beautiful baby girl and my story goes like this.

Today a Midwife came into the room where my wife and I were and started with a speech " Hi my name is !editingoutinfo! I was wondering if i can take a blood sample from the baby, It's voluntary, it's for statistics and it gets sent out to a lab and they test for all rare conditions, they are going to test her genes and..."

At which point i stopped her and said "we haven't got any jeans for her, everyone has been buying her pink dresses"

she gave me a pity laugh and said "ohh the dad jokes are starting already"

What is happening to me?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/randazz0
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2014
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Got my students earlier (twice)

I was demonstrating for a physics lab today and we were doing an electricity experiment, building circuits and measuring voltage and current with various configurations of resistors.

One pair asked me to look at their results so I picked up the paper and started to shake my head with a scowl on my face.

Girl: What is it? What's wrong?

Me: It's these results.... they're shocking...

After a second of being genuinely worried, they realised I was laughing and looked at me angrily.

Guy: That was terrible.

Me: Sorry, I just couldn't resist.

Cue Groans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gildor001
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2015
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I ask my students, "Can I write 'Your Name' on your sign off sheet?"...

135 lab students over the semester. How many suckers come to me to sign off their work without having their name at the top of their sign off sheets. So.. as a Dad I have my solution:

I ask my students, "Can I write 'Your Name' on your sign off sheet?"...

In a beautiful cursive flourish I write: YOUR NAME

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πŸ‘€︎ u/polarc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2014
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My Dad's favorite joke...

A man in Switzerland is trying to get his grandfather clock fixed, and brings it into a clock shop.

The clock shop attendant asks the man "What seems to be the trouble?"

"Well, the clock tells time just fine. However, as you can hear, it ticks... But doesn't tock."

"Hmm, I think our Horologist will need to take a look at your clock. Please bring it into the back."

So the man wheels his clock into the back room, and there is an old, balding man, wearing a lab coat and thick horn rimmed glasses. He asks the man in a thick German accent "What seems to be the problem?"

"Well, you see, this clock ticks, but it doesn't tock."

"I see," says the horologist. He turns on a single light bulb, and turns off the lights to the room, and pulls out some pliers from his labcoat, and says, in his thick German accent...

"We have ways of making you tock."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phaseMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2015
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I dadjoked...my dad.

He took one of our 100 pound labrador retrievers to the vet and texted me to bring the other (less hassle). I pull up next to his car in the parking lot. Before I let my dog out of the back of my truck I turn to him and say "I normally do my dog deals at night. Less witnesses."

I'd like to say he sighed and drove off. Instead he asked what I was on about. I explained the joke to which he said, "I raised you better. You're supposed to say $10 a gram or 10k for the whole lab."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ck_mooman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2015
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A student got me today

Three students had four microscopes set up to look at specimens for biology lab today. They moved from one microscope to the next as a group. I asked why they were doing this instead of one person per microscope. One of them replied "we are just scoping things out."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/teamsloth
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2014
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Cheat sheet for Dads on Halloween

What is a Vampire favorite fruit?

  • Neckterines

What kind of dogs do Vampires like best?

  • Blood hounds

How does a ghost cry?

  • Boo Hoo

What does a skeleton always say before he eats?

  • Bone Appetite

What kind of key should you always take to a haunted house?

  • Skeleton Key

Why do Vampires need mouthwash?

  • Because they have bat breath

What kinds of street do Zombies like?

  • Dead ends.

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?

  • Frost Bite

What did the black cat call the mouse on roller skates?

  • Meals on wheels

What does a vampire never at a restaurant?

  • A stake sandwich

What is it like to be kissed by a vampire?

  • It's a pain in the neck.

Why did the witch stand in front of the podium?

  • To give a Screech

What does a ghosts have for dessert?

  • I-Scream

What is a skeletons favorite instrument?

  • A trombone

What kind of dog does a mad scientist have?

  • A Lab

Be honest, how many did you get? What is your dad score?

EDIT: can't get spoiler tags to work...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gnolaum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2014
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SO got me in the living room today.

I was petting our lab who looked tired and sad and my SO looked at me and said "she's got it ruff". Groans all around.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmemrbiggins
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2015
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Dadjoke at the laboratory.

I work as a lab tech in my university, and as I was preparing some bacterial streak plates for some students (mind you, we use an innoculating loop to transfer bacteria from a sample tube to plates), I said to some of the students: "what did one bacteria said to the other? Let's get looped, and go streaking."

I received an uniform look of dissapointment and a couple of facepalms from the students while I giggled at my joke. The teacher loved it though.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jesusdo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2014
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