Especially since our founding fathers made it a point to guarantee us the right to bare arms
For the Confederacy, it all went South from there
It’s cause it’s free
well, I finally lost it... I was just in a store and saw a man whose cart was FULL to the brim with hand sanitizers, toilet paper, soaps... You know everything that people desperately need right now!!! I called him a greedy bastard, and told him he should be freaking ashamed of himself! He said " are you done? Cuz I really need to get back to stocking the shells now"
They aren’t having a gay old time anymore.
Sinsinnati
Greek yogurt culture.
They've got Mormoney.
Because they drank the 't'
It was from ancient Greece
When I got mine the other day they told me I had to wait 3 weeks to get number 2.
Paddy O’furniture
A happy uncle.
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
An Optical Aleutian
I’ll see myself out...
It’s my jingle bell rock.
You get them VERY ANGRY
If it had direction, it would be called “Velocity”.
Feefiphobia
Edit: wow! I never expected this to reach such great heights..... Thank you for the awards, kind redditors.
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,570 matches
Dude 2: “Brochure”
It’s an LGBT Queue
The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by René Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
So I called her Bluff...
My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.
My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.
4yo: "I like your shirt mama!
Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?
4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"
Because in France, one egg is Un ouef.
I guess they drank the t
Me: What did I say about slamming The Doors?
But they didn’t planet.
He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is”
I don’t understand how she can feel that way.
It’s been repossessed
Bartender says, “That will be $20.20.”
Just in case there's a salad dressing
I can’t believe I’ve been saying it wrong my whole life
There were repercussions.
Count Draculas.
He kept on Biden me
