I'm older that all those falcons...
We all know that Albert Einstein was a genius...
But very few people know his brother Frank was a monster.
I hope that the universe keeps on expanding forever so all the heat runs out some day. It means that eventually things are gonna be 0 K
Did y'all hear that Thanos has been committed to an insane asylum?
We all know that 6 is scared of 7 because 7 8 9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you need 3 squared meals per day
What did the body builder say when he realized that he was all out of protein shake mix?
My son Luke loves it that we named all our kids after Star Wars characters...
My daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
Y’all hear about that country barber who accepts venison as payment, but only does bowl cuts?
Says he just wants to give folks the most bangs for their buck.
I am reading this article that compares all the different versions of The Bible.
There is a lot of cross referencing.
My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?
Twice dragons.
Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use “Wreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyou‘s for the kind words and awards.
My mom's new husband told me a joke about stairs that wasn't all that funny
I didn't relate to it.
Hey, I guess you could say it was a step dad joke.
On more than one level.
I know that I've told y'all this before, but after not turning in his assignments and not coming to class all school year...
Ny wife's got so fat, that I've had to keep all the fattening stuff at a place she can't reach....
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I am worried she won’t be able to pull it off.
Recently, I've been driving my wife crazy with how many friends named Fred I've been making, and they all look the same, no less. That said, one day a man rang our bell, and my wife, relieved that he did not look like my other friends, asked who he was, to which a replied:
"Don't worry, Honey, he's just another Fred of mine."
A little know story about Mozart is that in 1785 he killed all of his chickens.
When he asked who the best composer was, they kept replying “Bach, Bach, Bach”
TIL: In spite of Covid, all African countries are insisting that customers should sit in a restaurant and eat dinner.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
I built a catapult that can send a human from the USA all the way to Africa
What country you end up in depends on the Angola approach
Why was the man not bothered or upset that someone had stolen all his dried grapes?
He had no raisons to be...
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...
I planted a few hostas around my house, and now they've gotten so big that they've completely outgrown all my other decorative plants.
Did you hear that all cats have the same favorite color?
Yep. Apparently it's purple.
At my school, there's a large lizard that wanders the halls all day.
I gots two words that will leave you all scratching your heads.
My wife just complained that I've been in the garden all day tending to the herbs.
Apparently I have way too much thyme on my hands.
I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Only two things make me forget about all the shit that's going on with my life. Comedy and......
I went to the zoo the other day. One of the new exhibits was a piece of toast in a cage. I asked the zookeeper "what's that all about?" He said...
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
All this stress lately has me trying new things. For example, I've discovered that brake fluid is actually delicious. I'm up to a case a day, but there's no need to worry about me.
What do the chefs call that one counter where all the veggies are kept?
Minor prophets and all that....
I've just bought my wife a new coat, that's all the colours of the Spectrum.
Black, with grey rubber buttons.
They should count all the people in this country that make $40k a year or less
Can you believe that they are still together after all of the crap they have been through?
Did you know that all Danish Boy Scouts have to get a tattoo?
We all know that 7 ate 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
His doctor told him to get three square meals a day.
Did you hear that McDonalds gave all their employees large laptops for Christmas?
What do you call a person with one eye that's sad all the time?
I know Reddit has servers that all of our jokes are stored in, but I’ve come up with a better solution
We all know that 6 was scared of 7 because 7 8 9
But 7 was scared of 2, 4 6 8 10
We all know that Albert Einstein was a genius
But very few people know his brother Frank was a monster.
I just bought a dictionary today and bought it home to find out that all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
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