I'm older that all those falcons...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saleckin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
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We all know that Albert Einstein was a genius...

But very few people know his brother Frank was a monster.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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I hope that the universe keeps on expanding forever so all the heat runs out some day. It means that eventually things are gonna be 0 K
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B_Baerbel
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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Did y'all hear that Thanos has been committed to an insane asylum?

It's true. He snapped.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
We all know that 6 is scared of 7 because 7 8 9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you need 3 squared meals per day

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
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What did the body builder say when he realized that he was all out of protein shake mix?

"NO WHEY!!!"

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
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My son Luke loves it that we named all our kids after Star Wars characters...

My daughter Chewbacca, not so much.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
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Y’all hear about that country barber who accepts venison as payment, but only does bowl cuts?

Says he just wants to give folks the most bangs for their buck.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
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I am reading this article that compares all the different versions of The Bible.

There is a lot of cross referencing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
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My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?

Twice dragons.

Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use β€œWreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyouβ€˜s for the kind words and awards.

πŸ‘︎ 302
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jruff84
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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My mom's new husband told me a joke about stairs that wasn't all that funny

I didn't relate to it.

Hey, I guess you could say it was a step dad joke.

On more than one level.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eagleboy444
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
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I know that I've told y'all this before, but after not turning in his assignments and not coming to class all school year...

This bear's repeating.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Belscnickle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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Ny wife's got so fat, that I've had to keep all the fattening stuff at a place she can't reach....

The floor .

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
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BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard

whoops wrong sub

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeterPorky
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
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My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.

I am worried she won’t be able to pull it off.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
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Recently, I've been driving my wife crazy with how many friends named Fred I've been making, and they all look the same, no less. That said, one day a man rang our bell, and my wife, relieved that he did not look like my other friends, asked who he was, to which a replied:

"Don't worry, Honey, he's just another Fred of mine."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xoriatis71
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
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A little know story about Mozart is that in 1785 he killed all of his chickens.

When he asked who the best composer was, they kept replying β€œBach, Bach, Bach”

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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TIL: In spite of Covid, all African countries are insisting that customers should sit in a restaurant and eat dinner.

Except Togo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
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That's all folks
πŸ‘︎ 200
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time

Sir Lancelot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I built a catapult that can send a human from the USA all the way to Africa

What country you end up in depends on the Angola approach

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
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Why was the man not bothered or upset that someone had stolen all his dried grapes?

He had no raisons to be...

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mutterlein
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!

He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...

πŸ‘︎ 213
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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I planted a few hostas around my house, and now they've gotten so big that they've completely outgrown all my other decorative plants.

It's a hostal takeover.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/archaelleon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that all cats have the same favorite color?

Yep. Apparently it's purple.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
At my school, there's a large lizard that wanders the halls all day.

It's a hall monitor.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/huuhhhh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I gots two words that will leave you all scratching your heads.

Head lice.

πŸ‘︎ 203
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gbredman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife just complained that I've been in the garden all day tending to the herbs.

Apparently I have way too much thyme on my hands.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

πŸ‘︎ 240
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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Only two things make me forget about all the shit that's going on with my life. Comedy and......

Alzheimer's

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aritra_001
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
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I went to the zoo the other day. One of the new exhibits was a piece of toast in a cage. I asked the zookeeper "what's that all about?" He said...

"Its bread in captivity"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DurtyStopOut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"

She said, "Not neccecelery."

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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All this stress lately has me trying new things. For example, I've discovered that brake fluid is actually delicious. I'm up to a case a day, but there's no need to worry about me.

I can stop any time.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jasonhackwith
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
What do the chefs call that one counter where all the veggies are kept?

Vegetable

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chashme_Wali
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Minor prophets and all that....
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dunadan37x
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I've just bought my wife a new coat, that's all the colours of the Spectrum.

Black, with grey rubber buttons.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
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They should count all the people in this country that make $40k a year or less

Seems like common census

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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Can you believe that they are still together after all of the crap they have been through?

Your buttcheeks

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TwitcherDeath07
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know that all Danish Boy Scouts have to get a tattoo?

It's their Denmark.

πŸ‘︎ 114
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onetwopi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
We all know that 7 ate 9, but why did 7 eat 9?

His doctor told him to get three square meals a day.

πŸ‘︎ 141
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that McDonalds gave all their employees large laptops for Christmas?

They were Big Macs.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnthMaster7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person with one eye that's sad all the time?

A sighclops.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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I know Reddit has servers that all of our jokes are stored in, but I’ve come up with a better solution

I call it a Dad-a-Base

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πŸ‘€︎ u/themeatspin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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We all know that 6 was scared of 7 because 7 8 9

But 7 was scared of 2, 4 6 8 10

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickatier_Carbs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
We all know that Albert Einstein was a genius

But very few people know his brother Frank was a monster.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Namnrocinu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I just bought a dictionary today and bought it home to find out that all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report

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