He was Saved by the Bail.
So I leaned in real close to it and whispered, "You're doing good, little guy. I believe in you."
Me, i.e. dad: This bread is delicious. Is it sourdough?
Wife, i.e. wife: Heck if I know. It's just a demi baguette.
Me: You know what they call if you buy two?
Wife: No; what?
Me: Demi Moore.
HDMI
AKA "a peanut butter and smelly."
Hi all, sorry for the unorthodox post, but i really need help coming up with a specific pun. You see, this girl called eve challenged me to think of a non-obvious pun for her name that is still good and so far the best i can think of is something to do with an apple(like out of the bible) any chance you could help out a brother in need? Any input welcome.
Pikachu.
They awarded it the No Bell prize.
I'm going to a Halloween party next week where the theme is Heroes and Villains. The best thing I can think of right now is going as a sub (aka a "hero" sandwich), but I'm sure I can do better and I'm stuck. Hit me with your best, reddit.
Days That Are Puns
1/23 - January 23rd reads like 123
3/10 - Mar10 Day - Nintendo's Mario Day
3/11 - There's an awesome band called 311
3/14 - 3.14 is the first few digits of Pi AKA Pi Day
5/4 - May the 4th be with you - A pun on "May the force be with you." AKA Star Wars Day
7/11 - Free Slurpee Day at 7 Eleven stores
9/11 - No intention of being offensive with this one. 9/11 reads like the emergency phone number used in the United States
10/4 - Pun for 10-4, which is similar to saying "roger that"
10/23 - National Mole Day (Avogrado's number) 6.02 x 10^23
Please mention any I missed!
Its humerus
He asked for Royal Water. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
For those who don't get the joke- Royal water, aka aqua regia is one part nitric acid and three parts hydrochloric acid. Drinking this WILL probably kill you.
Back when I was maybe 14, I was sitting out on the front porch of my grandmother's house with "the guys," AKA my cousin, his dad/my uncle, and my dad. It was wickedly hot and there were a few annoying flies buzzing around. We were just sitting quietly, taking in the afternoon. Out of nowhere, my uncle, a big guy with a deep, gravelly voice says, "Time's fun when you're having flies." The rest of us were in stitches, it was so clever and dumb at the same time.
"You don't know how many seconds are in a year off the top of your head? 12. Jan2 feb2 ....."
"Today and Tomorrow...."
These two got laid on me by the chef at my work cafeteria. The cashier aka crazy Lisa was in stitches making him tell everyone.
Setting: movie theater during the "fish are friends" scene; aka heavy talking
(Dad) psst
(Me) what
(Dad) where do fish go to have a drink
(Me) not able to hear dialogue Idc shhhh
(Dad) a can-tuna
(Me) goddammit
EDIT: Thanks for getting me to the frontpage of /r/dadjokes for a day! I'm glad you all benefitted from my pain!
I was born with tof condition aka bad heart that's now good. Anyways tonight we were talking about how I am still lazy even though the hearts fixed and I don't do lots of activity now... and then this
"I guess your heart isn't in it"
So, let's start off with a fact about myself: I'm vegetarian. I've been one my whole life. Now, let's get to the story.
Basically, I was driving down to camp at a Battleship with my dad (for a Boy Scouts trip), and this was during my first 6 months of learning to drive. This was the most intense trip for me (so far), and I was already nervous about driving on the interstate, so I was doing my best to practice proper driver etiquette.
Now, here's where the story gets interesting. I'm cruising down the interstate, going approximately 70 mph in the middle lane, when all of a sudden, I see a deer emerge onto the road from the right. It's running to the left (aka, trying to cross this interstate). The car to the right of me slams on the brakes, so the deer kept running. I slammed on my breaks as hard as I could, BARELY missing the deer. The car to the left of me was unlucky. The deer smashes its head into the left car's headlight and it flips over to the right (over my car). Clearly, it's dead, and as it flipped over my car, a lot of its blood gets onto my windshield.
I'm horrified. I kept driving forward. Trying to make sure I didn't veer off or anything. I look to my dad, and my hands are slightly shaking while I'm continuing this trip. My dad looks over to me, smiles, and says, "Don't worry, my 'deer'. Keep driving."
I looked back at him with the most disgusted face, and he just started giggling. Good god, this was NOT the time for a dad joke, but nevertheless, my dad didn't fail to deliver.
I thought I'd hate him forever after this and people would agree with me, but now this joke gets one of the largest laughs from people at parties. <_<
tl;dr My dad's sense of humor appalls me.
This was my contribution to my daughter's prom tonight.
Posted it to FB and gave my daughter some advice:
[daughter],
Today I learned that ironing is good meditation. While getting your dress ready, I came up with some rules:
Rule 1: Do not sit down in this dress, even (especially!) in a car. Sitting down will cause wrinkles, especially in the buttocks area. Long, 3-mile hikes to the high school can be very romantic.
Rule 2: Do not eat or drink in this dress. For fluids, since your arms will be bare, might I suggest an IV. For solids, have your manservant (aka "date") feed you with a long spoon while you wear one of those full-body aprons like at the barbershop.
Rule 3: Do not dance in this dress. Dancing--especially "touching" dancing--can cause wrinkles. If you really must experience physical contact during the slow dances, your date may grasp non-dress parts of you, such as your forearms or head.
Have fun at your first prom!
Love, Dad
