My daughter wanted to start putting on makeup, which I agreed. Then she said she was going to shave her eyebrows,
that’s where I draw the line.
Why didn’t the blacksmith agree to his new contract immediately?
He still had some details to iron out.
Why do vegans never agree on anything
They can't have meatings to discuss it
A ginger ale company is giving away plane tickets from Toronto to Montreal to a group of teetotalers as long as they agree to sample an array of their sodas while en route.
There is much disagreement on the theory of knowledge, but most philosophers agree on its origin, that is, the first thing one knows.
That's because the first thing you know ol' Jed's a millionaire.
So my kid ate something that didn't agree with 'em. A day after the symptoms abated, they told me "I haven't pooped in 2 days."
I replied "well, it's probably gonna take some time to fill the backlog."
Why did the circle agree with the triangle?
The triangle had a point.
The band Linkin Park couldn't agree where to have dinner. They could have Chinese, Mexican..
..Indian. It doesn't even matter.
BREAKING NEWS from the courtroom! Amber Heard confesses to having a child with Charlie Sheen. The child went to live with his father and took his name.
Both parents agreed the child should be sheen and not heard.
I have never agreed with the proverb "bros before hoes".
And that is why I was fired from my job at Oxford English Dictionary.
Why can't horses ever agree on anything?
In every conversation there's always a neigh sayer.
What do you call two pirates who agree with each other?
Two people that see aye to aye
97% of people are stupid.
Thank God I'm in the other 5%.
How do pamphlets agree to something?
The Will Smith slap was staged
Everyone in the audience was a paid actor
I told the cop, “You can’t write me a ticket. I have a marathon to run tomorrow.”
The cop said, “Sir, that’s not how you play the race card.”
My wife and I have decided we don't want children
We plan on telling them after supper
My brother and I couldn't agree on how to keep a balloon in the air without touching it.
Chris Rock apologized and took the joke back...
Now it's a receding hair line.
What’s black and doesn’t work?
My wife yelled at me for telling our son too many dad jokes after he got in trouble at school.
I agreed and said that was enough pun-ishment for now.
My wife asked me, why is your computer always rolling in the deep?
A pun that may hopefully bear some fruit.
Two pirates attacked a ship carrying famous artworks and stole the Mona Lisa painting. One pirate looked at the painting and said something is missing. The other one agreed...
I agreed to iron my friends clothes but I couldn’t finish them
I was almost done, but the clothes just kept in-creasing
So what if I can't spell Armageddon...
Not as if it's the end of the world.
A dad jokes should be safe to tell children
NSFW jokes are not safe to tell children, and therefore are not Dad jokes.
Preliminary discussions show that the higher-ups at Bass Pro Shops couldn't agree on whether to raise the price for fishing rods
I made a butchers club
The only problem is we can't agree to a meating time.
World scientists have collectively agreed on the most groundbreaking invention of all time!
How did the buttcheeks reconcile their differences?
They agreed to meet in the middle.
If you can't say it to your 5 yr old kid, its not a dad joke.
I'm getting really sick of all the NSFW jokes that have been hitting the front page lately. I know I'm not the only one who feels this either.
IF YOU CAN'T TELL THE JOKE TO YOUR KID, IT'S NOT A DAD JOKE.
dad jokes are clean, thats why they're dad jokes. If you have an NSFW joke, please refer to r/unclejokes.
I'm sorry if I sound whiney, but dad jokes are dad jokes and uncle jokes are uncle jokes.
Why didn’t the hamburger buns get along?
They always had beef between them.
You should never agree to host a party for people in the coal industry.
You may get in trouble for serving miners
A man goes to his best friends funeral.
He asks the widow “May I say a word?”
And she agrees.
The man stands up and says “Plethora”
When he sits down. The widow leans over and says “Thank you, that means a lot.”
Seafood never agrees with me and I'm not sure why.
The rest of my food is really polite.
How do you tell what gender an ant is?
Put it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant, if it floats it's buoyant.
How often do chemists agree?
As a player with a racket, I agree
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
My wife interrupted me while I was singing "Somebody that I used to know". She said I'm too addicted to the song.
And I agree, but she didn't have to cut me off.
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