What's the safest room in the house during a zombie invasion?

After I dug into the details of a theoretical zombie crisis and the entrances and exits of our home, I settled on the master bedroom.

My son sighs and says, "the living room."

High five buddy, you got me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ex_oh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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My family didn't have the appetite for my dessert puns. Please to enjoy!

Did you hear about the red-headed cookie that broke it’s leg?

Gingersnap


Did you hear about the cookie that quietly laughs at other cookies’ drawings?

Snickerdoodle


Did you hear about the dessert that got cast in the bakery’s reboot of Indiana Jones: The Temple of Doom?

Shortbread


Did you hear about the friends the zombies are making in heaven?

Angel food


Did you hear about the Mushroom Kingdom princess that abdicated the throne to pursue the shoe repair trade?

Peach cobbler


Did you hear about the 49th state in the Union legalizing recreational marijuana?

Baked Alaska


Did you hear about the Bavarian teacher that filled up her blackboard every day?

German chocolate


Did you hear about the hip New York hotspots for citrus fruits?

Lemon bars


Did you hear about the mother's sister that really likes her nieces and nephews?

Fondant


Did you hear about people wagering money on a boxing match in the Arctic between a heavyweight champ and raspberries?

Sherbet

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fyrefrog25
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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How do you call a criminal undead?

Rob Zombie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mtg_Dervar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
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A herd of llamas tried to eat my brain!

It was a zombie alpaca-lypse...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/michelreid
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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Why did the girl date a zombie?

'Cause liked her for her brains!

Why did the girl break up with the zombie? 'Cause he was dead inside!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/balderdashbird
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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Request for help remembering a joke

Hello,

I am requesting help with remembering a joke. Posts of this type did not seem to be against the subreddit's rules, but if I am in error, please let me know and delete my post.

Anyway, here is what I remember of the joke:

It is movie themed and it says something like this: "There should be a post-apocalyptic zombie movie with a romantic comedy element. Then we would have the world's first rom-com-zom-dom-bomb." The only thing is that I forget what the "dom" was supposed to mean and whether or not there is more to this joke, either in the set-up or the punchline. I googled it to no avail. Any help is appreciated.

Thank you

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ontoforever
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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For all th H. P. Lovecraft fans out there

Instead of calling it the "zombie apocalypse", why not just call it the Necro-nom-athon?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/raven21633x
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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I ask someone, what's the most brain dead subreddit

He replied with r/Zombies

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wornsy21
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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Being undead only sometimes sucks.

I wondered why zombies, ghouls, and vampires are so closely associated. After all, why would decaying shambling corpses be associated with the suave Dracula-esque? then it hit me:

Most vampires are necromancers, but not all necromancers are vampires.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ojiji_bored
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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What does a zombie call his girlfriend?

Zombae.

And that's what my kids get after watching ZOMBIES for the 6th time in 4 days.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DINC44
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
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Halloween costumes

My daughter wanted to be a farmer for halloween. I told her she should be a zombie farmer ... lurch around yelling "grains .... GRAINS"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zamkrek
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
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A lot of people told me my jokes belong on r/comedycemetery........

I guess that's what I get for making zombie jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buttsecks42069
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
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If zombies attack...

Goto Sam's Club. There's cement walls, years worth of food and tons of supplies. Plus zombies can't get in without a membership.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/viperfour
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
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Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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All dad jokes are dead, but...

Does that make them zombie jokes?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/omegaoof21
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
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what’s the difference

what’s the difference between a scared zombie and a scared skeleton the zombie still got guts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boiboi-the-girl
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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Combined my first 2 joke sets into 1. Enjoy!

I will now take suggestions on how to be more sensitive to deaf people. I'm all ears!

  1. As a ventroliquist, I made one of my dummies sing a song by the GoGos. I'm not going to tell you how I did it. My lips are sealed!
  2. Im the only council member against the construction of the beach. Im going against the grain!
  3. Why did God make me a conjoined twin? Im beside myself!
  4. I put aluminum on a villain's mind control devices. I foiled his plan!
  5. Even though I'm scared of heights, I still go skydiving with this girl I like. Im falling for her!
  6. My shoelace company collapsed. I couldn't make ends meet!
  7. I like using misdirection in my jokes to make people laugh. Or do I?
  8. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a hotdog. I'm on a roll!
  9. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a nerd. I'm honor roll!
  10. The answer to this question, "Who's the president of the United States?" is a no-brainer.
  11. I finished a race the other day. I won 'cause I killed all the Kenyans!
  12. I don't know how to wear a wig. At least not off the top of my head.
  13. I went grocery shopping at Harris Teeter for a 50% off everything sale. I went in for a carrot and came out with a half, which is why I now shop at Whole Foods!
  14. If youre being attacked by zombies, just throw a party! Nobody wants to kill the life of the party!
  15. I used to date a girl, who still uses a nightlight. What a turn-off!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ADAToTheMoon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
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Help: geology-themed puns needed.

My sister teaches at a high school for children with learning and behavior disorders, and every year she hosts a skills summer camp.

2015 will be geology-themed, and we need help thinking of a fun name for the camp.

Previous years: 2014 Summer Scenarios: Little Egypt (Egyptian themed) 2013 Summer Scenarios (first year had no kitchy name, but it was zombie-themed)

Potential examples: Stone Throne, Rock Steady, Taken for Granite, etc.

During the live-in camp (boarding school), they'll learn survival/outdoorsmanship skills (fire starting, gardening, canoeing, etc.), and have geologists as guest speakers.

Any high school learning-friendly geology-themed blockbusters would be welcome suggestions, too--but I'll post that for the people over at /r/movies.

Thanks in advance!

Edit: Thanks to everyone who actually gave appropriate suggestions, and high-fives to those who just made rock puns. My sister selected Game of Stones.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/allthedoll
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2014
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What do you call a high-end clothing outlet sponsored by a Norwegian band, the undead, and a magical woman?

ABBA Zombie and Witch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dgrubbnasty
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
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On zombie cravings...

My kids and i had some fun with these on a car trip this past weekend...

What do zombie plumbers crave? Draaaaains!!!

What do zombie pilots crave? Planes... Plaaaanes!

What do zombie conductors crave? Traaaains!

What do zombie opthalmologists crave? Fraaames!

What do zombie construction workers crave? Craaanes!

What do zombie nurses crave? Paaains!

...

What do vampires crave? Blood.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/monza700
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2015
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A bunch of zombies attacked a graduation party...

and gobbled up all the seniors. Afterward one zombie said to another, β€œHow was the grad you ate?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/homevp
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2017
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Just now texting with my wife

W: I feel like a zombie, so tired M: But do you want to eat brains? W: No, but I definitely thought I could fall asleep on the toilet M: That would be shitty...

A few minutes pause

W: You think your funny... M: You're M: And no M: I think I'm dad, I've never met a funny. W: Omg I can't

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pfunk42529
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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Halloween Puns

Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.


Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!


Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!


For Halloween I’m going to write β€œLife” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers


This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues


β€œHalloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.


Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!


I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.


How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!


When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day


What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!


What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood


What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us


What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A β€œhollow-weenie!”


Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).


How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.



I’m going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do… by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,


Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, β€œA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other monster replied, β€œBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.


The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you’re not will lead to a sweet reward.


I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.


I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.


Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.


What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!


What do Italian’s eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)


Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.


What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!


What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi


What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it’s Halloween!!


What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2017
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Dadjoked Girlfriend Over 'The Walking Dead'

GF: "Why do the zombies want to eat people so badly?"

Me: "Because they have fast food addictions."

She was not pleased.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrThuglove
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2014
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Got my whole d&d group with this.

After we were attacked by zombies in a graveyard, several party members wanted to figure out how they were turned into zombies. A bunch of us were rolling for arcana, and the like.

I rolled for Acana. I then said "okay, so I rolled a 16 for Acana. That means I know why these zombies we turned. They made a grave mistake."

Made sure to quiet everyone down before saying it. Everyone thought I was going to say something important.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thendofreason
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2016
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A zombie walks into a bar

after a few drinks gets in line to use the men's room.

Impatient man behind him: Can I go ahead of you? Zombie: Over my dead body!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2017
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I heard "Zombie" played 6 times today and now it's in my head...

In maaaaaa heeeeaaad, in my heeeaaaaaaddd, zombie, zombie...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dothepropellor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2017
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Been too sick (flu) to give my son his daily doses of dad jokes...

(Son wanting to be amused while I'm writing around with a terrible case of flu.)

Me: "I'm sorry, buddy. I'm dying here." Son: "If you die, who will tell me stupid jokes?" Me: "I'll come back from the grave to torture you with stupid dad jokes." Son: "Like a zombie?" Me: "Like the pun-dead."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roguebuckeye
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2015
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[Request] Trying to come up with punny names for a host at a zombie room escape.

He's an assistant to the room's zombie, a neurosurgeon named Dr. Oxy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IanGecko
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2015
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Thought of this myself *sigh*

Q: what's a zombies favorite weather?

A: a brainstorm !

I guess I can add that to my list

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πŸ‘€︎ u/X_HEROBRINE_X
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2015
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Dad, with a trick-or-treater...

Dad: what are you? Kid: a zombie Dad: oh... but you look so lifelike.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/highwaymelodies
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2016
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Intercultural Dad Joke

Background: I'm living in Germany and have a German roommate who can speak some English. He did Realschule (completed 10th grade), but mostly ditched classes. I try to teach him when I can and vice versa.

We were watching Walking Dead. The episode was right after the prison gets stormed. Rick and Carl lock themselves in a house, and Carl ties a knot that he's super proud of... Blablabla... A few minutes later, knot is quickly falling apart as zombies try to break in.

I absentmindedly said: "Cool knot, bro" Roommate: "(K)not cool, bro"

I just looked at him with a mixture of surprise, pride, and wondering still if he knows what a dad joke is.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ostapack
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2015
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Cheat sheet for Dads on Halloween

What is a Vampire favorite fruit?

  • Neckterines

What kind of dogs do Vampires like best?

  • Blood hounds

How does a ghost cry?

  • Boo Hoo

What does a skeleton always say before he eats?

  • Bone Appetite

What kind of key should you always take to a haunted house?

  • Skeleton Key

Why do Vampires need mouthwash?

  • Because they have bat breath

What kinds of street do Zombies like?

  • Dead ends.

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?

  • Frost Bite

What did the black cat call the mouse on roller skates?

  • Meals on wheels

What does a vampire never at a restaurant?

  • A stake sandwich

What is it like to be kissed by a vampire?

  • It's a pain in the neck.

Why did the witch stand in front of the podium?

  • To give a Screech

What does a ghosts have for dessert?

  • I-Scream

What is a skeletons favorite instrument?

  • A trombone

What kind of dog does a mad scientist have?

  • A Lab

Be honest, how many did you get? What is your dad score?

EDIT: can't get spoiler tags to work...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gnolaum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2014
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He dragged me out of the apartment for that pun.

Not a dad, but this is in line with it all.
It was a party around Halloween-time, but not specifically a Halloween party. Things were wrapping up, people were heading out and my roommates were saying goodbye.

They were doing some goofy ass handshake, bumping fists, slapping, all that dumb shit.

While they're wasting time, I look on the table and see various Halloween decorations, including body parts made out of Jell-O. They're slightly jiggling, as all Jell-O molds seem to do.

I quietly mumble "Hehe... handshake."

The host of the party looks at me and says "Are you making fun of our hand shake?"

Without saying anything else, I reach over to the table, pick up the plate the Jell-O zombie hand is on, hold it close to his face, wiggle it back and forth and repeat "Hand shake".

He grabs me by the back of my shirt and drags me out of the apartment. I thought it was funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/M3wThr33
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2013
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My first reddit! And homemade dadjoke.

Been working on this one for Halloween...

Q: where do zombies go for an all-you-can-eat buffet?

A: a smorgasmorgue

Happy Halloween!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shurshacker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2013
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My sister just cracked an excellent dad joke

We're watching the episode of The Walking Dead where the characters dress up in zombie guts and chunks to blend in with the zombies.

My sister goes "it must take a lot of guts to do that!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mollypaget
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2013
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Have you ever heard of DayZ?

It has zombies for DayZ.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/luigi6745
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2015
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