It didn’t work
I guess I went stir crazy
"I have good news and bad news", the owner replied. "Which one would you you like to hear first?"
"Give me the good news first."
"The good news is that, a man enquired about your work and wondered, if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it will, he brought all fifteen of your paintings."
The artist exclaims, "That's wonderful. What's the bad news?"
"The man was your doctor......."
Me: I hope the color works out too since there's gym equipment right there. Might as well take advantage of it.
He was an artificial art official.
Young man, you need to repaint and thin no more.
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
Because they didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
We always finish each other’s sin tenses.
So they can hide in cherry trees.. Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Then it must work!
He handed me a ladder and asked if that was good enough
A man applied for a job as a handy man and the interview went as follows;
INTERVIEWER: Thanks for the interest for the position as a handy man, this role requires work in many different areas to upkeep the building. Are you okay with electrical work.
APPLICANT: Oh no I can't work with anything electrical. My brother was electricuted while working a job so I'm terribly afriad of electrical work.
INTERVIEWER: Oh okay, I understand. Well there will be plenty of painting to be done over the weeks ahead how are you with that?
APPLICANT: Well the thing is I have a very shaky hand and would struggle with a paintbrush, I can't garentee doing a tidy job while painting I'm afraid.
INTERVIEWER: Riiight okay... Well we have some construction work planned with bricks, could you handle that??
APPLICANT: Ahh I have a bad back and would be in great pain bending over to do any brick laying. So no I wouldn't be able to do that.
INTERVIEWER: YOU DO REALIZE WHIS IS A HANDY MAN JOB?!? WHAT THE HECK IS HANDY ABOUT YOU??
APPLICANT: Oh I just live round the corner which I thought would be handy.
Because they Scandinavian.
...and here I am cracking dadjokes at her. http://imgur.com/x7ZiF6G
So it wouldn't fall in the hot cocoa.
Bonus:
Why did the elephant paint its toenails red? So it could hide in a cherry tree. Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a cherry tree? It works!!!
A lady at work asked if I painted on the side.
I told her that I paint on the side all the time. I paint the sides of walls, the sides of houses...
When he got to old man Johnson’s house the old man said “My yard doesn’t need any work, but my porch is in need of a coat of paint. I’ll pay you 50 bucks, and if you finish by sundown I’ll throw in a 50 dollar bonus”.
With a confused look on his face little Johnny accepted the offer and got to work.
Less than an hour later little Johnny knocked on old man Johnson’s door to collect his hundred dollars.
“All finished, that’ll be one hundred dollars”!
Noticing there wasn’t a single drop of paint on the porch the old man started quizzing little Johnnys integrity.
“Now little Johnny, are you absolutely positively one hundred percent sure you finished painting my porch”?
“I sure am! Oh and by the way that’s not a porch, it’s a Ferrari”!
My dad passed away about 3 years ago. Now that I am a dad as well I thought I would pass on his favorite joke, bear with me cuz its long, but worth it...
A poor man who lives in a straw hut wants to to impress his neighbor. So he works for 3 months, enough to buy a fancy chair at the market. He calls his neighbor over for dinner one night and has him sit in the chair at dinner. He asks his neighbor, " isn't this a very nice chair? " To which the neighbor replies "it's okay i guess"...
Heartbroken, after the neighbor leaves, the man takes the chair upstairs and puts it in a closet and thinks.. maybe it was not a nice enough chair...
He then works 6 months, leaves his little straw hut and hitches a ride to the city and buys an extravagant chair with velvet padding. Once again he has his neighbor over for dinner, this time the neighbor says "it's nice, but I've seen better"
Sad, the man stores the chair in the upstairs closet. But the man could not be deterred.
He then worked for an entire year, left his little straw hut and went all the way to the capitol and bought a gaudy, gold painted chair with lion motifs and silk pillows.
The neighbor comes over to dinner and says. "Wow, what an ugly chair!"
Furious, the man grabs the chair, marches upstairs and throws it in the closet with such force that his entire straw hut collapses.
I guess people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones...
Because they're really good at it!
Didn't work though. Still overweight
They're de-monet-ising his work.
One clown asked another clown, “Why do elephants paint their toenails red?”
The second clown thought and replied that he didn’t know.
The first clown said, “So they can hide in cherry trees! Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?”
“No,” replied the second clown.
“See how well it works!”
But now it doesn't work :(
So a colleague is leaving my work (transfusion medicine lab) to work as an information manager for the organ transplant service. I make cards and I’m trying to think up something punny to write on/in his card and I’ll paint a picture on the front for context. I was thinking like “bloody good luck” or “sorry you’re transplanting”... but less shitty!
Thanks in advance :)
So I get dropped off at home by my girlfriend, and as I walk to the house I see my Dad doing some bodywork on the car.
Me: Hey Dad, how's it going?
Dad: Pretty good, you? Just doing a bit of painting
Me: How many coats have you put on?
Dad: I'm wearing a t-shirt
Me: ...
My father and I work together laying floors. Today we had to work in a unit that a cat had badly soiled; a regular occurrence. In these situations we are payed to seal the floor with sealant.
My dad went to get sealant and walked in with CEILING PAINT.
"This will seal it right? It says ceiling."
If i didnt need his help today I would have told him to leave.
How do you kill a blue elephant? (How?) With a blue elephant gun.
How you you kill a pink elephant? (With a pink elephant gun?) No, you hold its trunk til it turns blue then shoot it with the blue elephant gun
Why do elephants paint their toenails red? (No clue...?) So they can hide in cherry trees
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? (Of course not) Then clearly it works
A few years ago, we started a show that I quite frankly never thought would work.
Nearly four years later, including two sold out appearances at San Francisco Sketchfest and a local TV featurette, our show "Capitol PUNishment" is now streaming on Twitch Friday night at 8:30pm PST.
I hope it's ok to post this in here. If not, feel free to remove with no hard feelings. Just encouraging pun lovers to check out what is best described as "a fast-paced, in-the-moment spectacle that combines everything you love about gameshows, rap-battles, and "dad" jokes, into a unique and hilarious competitive format."
Our channel is twitch.tv/capitolpuns
Here's a little video to help paint the picture: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2RE9PgmfXo
I was helping her do some initial pencil line work for a painting that she is working on, and she said to me "I don't know where my kneaded eraser went." To which I responded, "Well, I guess it was needed elsewhere."
She looked me dead in the eyes and just said, "You disgust me."
I went down to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.
It didn’t work.
It didn’t work.
It didn't work.
It didn't work.
It didn’t work
It didn’t work.
So it could hide in a cherry tree. Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a cherry tree? It works.
So they can hide in cherry trees. Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Then it must work.
To hide in a cherry tree!
Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
Works, don't it
So they can hide in cherry trees!
What? You never saw an elephant hiding in a cherry tree?
See how well it works?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
*Pause for effect
Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree? I guess it works!
)