They're fairyfocals.
He walks with a strut.
I was checking out a chequered Czech check-out chick who was checking out some chicken at the checkout.
Its really taking off.
Buried under all this food, his dying words were, "Oh no, it's Buffet the Vampire Slayer!"
Put a wing on it
...right in front of a house where thereโs a huge party going on. He walks in and notices that the party is somewhat divided. Thereโs a clear distinction between the people waiting for the bathroom and the people queued up for drinks, etc.
Considering the urgency of the bathroom queue, he walks over to the drinks table and asks everyone there if they wouldnโt mind helping him push his car to get it started. They agree but even with the full might of several people, the car doesnโt budge. He thanks them for trying and they all head back inside.
A little while later, the doorbell rings. The man sees the host open the door to the largest pizza guy heโs ever seen. The behemoth is holding 15 pizzas with one hand, a pallet of buffalo wings with the other, with a keg strapped to each shoulder. The man jumps up and asks the pizza guy for his help pushing the car. He agrees and they head to the street.
With barely one touch of a pinky on one hand, the car lurches forward and starts right up. The man drives off, waving behind him and yelling a quick, โThank you.โ
As he catches sight of the party fading into the distance, he says to himself...
โThank goodness for the delivery because that punch line sure is weak.โ
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualisticbird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
This actually happened a couple years ago, but I've decided to finally come out if lurking to share it here.
I was on a trip with some friends and we had stopped for lunch. We weren't very busy so my buddy and I shared a plate of wings and a couple pitchers of beer. When it came to pay, the bill was $20.01 (I don't remember how much it actually was, but it was an odd number) and we just split the bill down the middle. When we got our checks, his had the extra penny. We joked about him paying so much more, and so I said I would add an extra penny to my tip, plus one more penny to one up him.
Afterwards when we were walking out my buddy turned to me and said "do you think she'll she even notice?" I said "I like to think that she will notice and maybe chuckle at it. Besides pennies can add up and make a difference, but that's just my 2 cents"
I am not a dad yet. But I definitely feel the fatherly humor running through my veins.
I hope their wings don't get too tired on the trip. I know I know... I'll see myself out.
There was a fly buzzing around my laboratory, so I decided to do an experiment. After 10 minutes, I was able to catch it. I set it on the table and said "Fly, fly". The fly flew away immediately after I released it. After another 10 minutes, I was able to catch it again. This time, I took a pair of tweezers and removed its wings. I said "fly, fly", but this time it didn't do anything once released. I was able to determine one thing: when you remove the wings from a fly, it becomes deaf.
What do you call a....
deer with no eyes? No idea
deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea
cow with no legs? Ground beef
donkey with three legs? A wonky
fish with no eyes? A fsh
fly with no wings? A walk
sheep with no legs? A cloud
What do you call a cheese that's not yours? Nacho cheese
What does cheese say when it looks in the mirror? Halloumi
What's the best cheese to...
hide a horse? Mask a pony (mascarpone)
get a bear out of a tree? Come on bear (camembert)
Someone took the first leader's crown. I've heard complaints that he was winging every decision, running around like a headless chicken. He was probably too cocky to plan for coop attempts.
More on this as I find out information.
lecture about US political culture
Prof: You guys like magic
Class: Yeah!
Prof: Okay I need a volunteer
I raised my hand so he picked me
Prof: Okay pull out a dollar bill and point out the wings of the bald eagle
I do
Prof: Okay I want you to fold the bill 3 times long ways then hand it to me
i fold it then hand it to him
Prof: You can still see the wings right? okay I am now going to fold it sideways into 3rds then I want you to hold out 3 fingers with your palm up
he places the folded bill onto my fingers with the center third flat on my hand
Prof: now say wing 3 times
Me: Wing wing wing
prof picks up the bill and holds it up to his ear
Prof: Hello?? This is Professor Frank, who is this?
The whole class couldn't stop laughing for like 10 minutes xD
Chris Pine - Pine scented
Cocoa Chanel - Hot cocoa scented
Beth Crow-ley - Rain, nighttime, and city streets scented
Tom Holly-and - Holly berry scented
JK Row-ling - Lakes and campfire scented
Miley Cypress - Cypress scented
Bob Moss - Forest and moss scented
Juniper Aniston - Juniper scented
Katy Berry - Mixed berry scented
Britney Spearmint - Spearmint scented
Bread Pitt - Bread scented
Tom Cruise - Ocean, salty, alcohol scented
Aurora - Nighttime, wind, whimsical scented
Nicole Kidman - baby powder scented
Justin Beaver - Wood, nature scented
Elvis Parsley - Parsley scented
Steve Cobs - Corn on the cob scented
Banana Montana - Banana scented
Orange Winfrey - Orange scented
Chris Bat - Nighttime, caves, and bats scented
Zoey Salad-ana - Salad, lettuce, leafy greens, tomato, cheese scented
Dwayne the Rock - Mountains, earthy, fresh, crisp, wind scented Jennifer Joe-pez - Nice hot cup oโ joe scented
Chicken Corbin Blue - Chicken and cheese and ham scented
Robert Brownie Jr. - Brownie scented
Sardine-a Gomez - Sardine scented
Daniel Rad-Clif - Clif bar blueberry flavor scented
Leonardo Di-Carp-rio - Fish scented
Halle Berry - Mixed scented
Demi Tomato - Tomato scented
Kevin Bacon - Bacon scented
Mandy Sโmore - Sโmores scented
Mackerel-more - Fish scented
Broccoli Obama - Broccoli scented
WILL.I.SPAM. - Spam scented
Mark Buffalo Wings - Buffalo wing scented
John Lemon - Lemon scented
Shakiramisu - Tiramisu scented
Egg Sheeran - Eggs scented
Benedict Cucumber Patch - Cucumber scented
Adille - Dill scented
Kevin Spicy - Taco scented
Channing Potatum - Potato scented
Melon DeGeneres - Melon scented
Danny Burrito - Burrito scented
Michaelanjello - Red jello scented
Harry Panini - Panini scented
Snoop Hot Dog - Hot dog scented
Paris Hilton - Paris, city of love, generic love perfume scented
Morgan Whipped Cream-in - Whipped cream scented
Mike Fryson - French fry scented
Henry David Thoreaut Lozenge - Cough drop scented
Raisin Williams - Raisin scented
Robert Frosty - Vanilla ice cream scented
Jeff Onion-blum - Onion ring scented
Tom Skittle-ston - Skittles scented
Ralph Waldo M&Mson - Chocolate scented
Malt Whitman - Malt scented
(Friend and I came up with these on the ride down to Boston for a concert, after the โI wonder what Chris Pine smells like?โ joke was brought up again from a previous time hanging out. Iโm particularly proud of Bob Moss and Zoey Salad-ana.)
Just got done eating wings with my wife. She asked if she had anything on her face, I paused and said your nose. The guy at the table behind us laughed. I laughed, she was wiping her nose.
She then cussed me and threw her booger napkin at me.
A good friend told me a story once. When she was a kid her family would often go to zoos and museums while on vacation. They were in the aviary on one of those visits looking at birds. My friend saw a crow asked the zookeeper a question. "What's the difference between a raven and a crow?" The zookeeper looked at her, smiled and started to answer. "Have you ever heard of a pinion feather?" he said. "Pinions are the the feathers at the tip of a bird's wing that allows it to fly. They are also the ones that people will trim to prevent birds from flying away. Crows have 5 pinion feathers while ravens have 6. So, if you think about it, it's really just a matter of a pinion."
To this day, my friend and her family don't know the real answer to "What's the difference between a crow and a raven?" They are wonderful and intelligent people, but they subscribe to a particular brand of ignorance where a good pun is better than actual knowledge. They call it punorance.
I was talking to a friend on Skype; at one point, I realised that I had to go to the bathroom.
"I'll be right back, I have to pee," I said.
"All right sure," she replied.
When I left, I put my laptop on the floor, the screen facing upwards, so as to avoid the ventilator being drowned by my duvet.
When I returned, I realised the webcam was pointing toward the ceiling, and I asked her:
"Did you find my ceiling interesting?"'
"Nah, I was looking at something else,"
And then, I saw my chance. It was glorious. Like golden wings borne on scarlet sunlight had brought me to Enlightenment, and I instantly replied with what is perhaps my greatest feat of pun yet:
"You know, that really hurts my ceilings."
My SO asked if he could go down on me while I am on my period. He said he has always wanted to earn his 'red wings.' I stared at him a little weirded out and said 'well, ok, but I don't want to know how one earns their maple leafs.'
Courtney Love once asked Jon Bon Jovi to name her new band. Bon Jovi jokingly suggested 'Hole'.
Love though this was great - provocative and rude - so she went with it. Her ex, Corey Hart, of 'Sunglasses At Night' fame, did not approve. He sought to confront Bon Jovi on the night of Hole's first gig and, a little drunk, tried to climb the fence of Bon Jovi's LA estate.
Bon Jovi, thinking Hart an intruder, winged him with a gun belonging to Bono and The Edge's tour manager, who was dining there that night. The ensuing fracas was in all the papers, overshadowing Hole's debut, and angering Kurt Cobain, who was interested in Hole's lead singer.
Cobain sent Jon Bon Jovi a note, demanding he apologise, and Bon Jovi replied ...
"Shot Corey Hart, and U2 blamed. You give Love a band name."
Wife hands me dinner, a salad with some pieces of chicken on it. Wife: "Didn't know which pieces you wanted so I just winged it" I look down and see the two wings of the chicken on my plate....
New Year's Day... The start of a fresh 365 sunrises that symbolize a turning point in lifestyle and spending the entire day recovering from a dreadful hangover. Like many other people in America, this relatively fake holiday is a time that I spend with my family. One of my family's many traditions (alongside annihilating plates of buffalo wings and watching college football until we pass out on the couch) is watching the Rose Parade. At the very beginning of the event, before all of the flower-covered floats and high school bands came marching down the street, there was an introductory ceremony complete with a B-2 stealth bomber flyover. As soon as they passed by, zooming out of the camera's frame, my dad leans in closer to me and says "Well I sure didn't see that coming!"
Me and a coworker were making a batch of buffalo chicken wings at work. He noticed that one of the wings still had a feather on it and pulled it off. I said, "I'm glad you noticed that, otherwise that bite would have been fowl." Cue eyeroll.
I asked him if he thought they'd be successful or barely get by on a wing and a prayer.
He became quite cross with me.
Sister complaining about her chicken.
Sis: Do chickens have scales? Because my chicken wing has a scale on the end.
Mom's boyfriend: How much did it weigh?
In response to /u/rsocfan getting Reddit banned in Russia, the following conversation ensued:
> This is an impressive mark to have left on history. I mean, some people cause 48-car pileups on the high way, you get an entire site blocked from an entire country.
> I make chicken wings all day.
-/u/backstagecoffee
>chicken wings
> Your contribution is also important. How else would chickens fly?
-/u/stovenn
Link to the thread containing /u/stovenn's joke
So my wife and I were making some fried chicken wings tonight. So I asked her:
Me: "Did you make these from a recipe?"
Her: "Well I didn't just WING it!"
Me: "Haaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! I see what you did there."
Her: "What?" she thinks for a bit and then just gives me a stare.
Later on in the conversation we're discussing how it's been a long day and wings sound good.
Me: "Wings and Alcohol sound like a great combo for today."
Her: "Well it is FRIday."
Me: "Heyoooooo!!!! Nice one."
Her: she just glares at me
....
I secretly think she's an awesome dad. Either that or my puns are infiltrating every corner of her mind.
My dad's favorite movie of all time is "It's a Wonderful Life" starring Jimmy Stewart. If you haven't seen the movie, you won't get this.
So, my dad changed his text-tone on his phone to a really high-pitched "diiing!". And I shit you not, every time, without fail, whenever he gets a text, he says, "Another angel just got his wings!"
On Thursdays the cafeteria serves pizza and/or chicken wings. My friend does not purchase lunch from the cafeteria often, but this Thursday he decided to "wing it". Being his friend, I decided (since ordering lunch is such a traumatic experience) to be his "wingman" in case he should be too "chicken" to order himself.
