If you replace your tires with new ones, what are they now?
It means they've been retired.
All crime should be punished, no exceptions. That is why I called the cops on my cat after she gave birth to kittens. Now don’t judge me for doing what had to be done, we all know
In the 1800s, Imperialist Russia established a little-known colony in what is now Seattle, WA. Its local currency?
In light of Apple crippling AirDrop for Chinese citizens, I asked a friend what it was like living in China now.
"I can't complain", he replied.
What is Mozart doing right now?
whenever I buy potatoes my wife always makes sure I get Russets. I've never really paid attention to different types of potatoes before, but out of curiosity, I now check what kind of potatoes others by. and it's Russets
What do you do for a tortoise that was falling in love but now is only falling apart?
Nothing you can do, it’s a turtle eclipse of the heart
Three old women sneak some Jack Daniels into a baseball game, taking shots after each half inning. What inning is it now?
It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.
Now That's What I Call Petrified Wood!
What do you call a leaky roof that has been patched up and is now water-tight?
(From my 5 year old just now) What do you call a scruffy Jamaican?
I just thought of this one. I'm sure someone thought of this before now, but..... What did the archer ask the pepper?
"do you habanero?"
I pre-tested this joke on the wife. The eye roll and groan made me think it was worthy to post here.
I ran out of gas suddenly a bee flew in my car and asked are you out of gas, yes I replied the Bee said I'll be back.. moments later a sworm of bees flew in my gas tank and flew off the bee said try it now it started I asked what did yall use the bee replied
Did you see what’s making headlines now?
It’s really horrible with what’s happening in Ukraine right now…
It’s Putin people in a bad situation.
(Sorry. My Dad said this while we were watching the news and it made me snort. Thought I’d share.
It is really horrible still, and I pray for the people of Ukraine. 💙💛🇺🇦)
Yo guess what? I heard at the prison, they now allow prisoners to take their own mugshots
Batman and Robin have been run over by a steamroller. What are their names now?
"I gave my husband an empty Boston Cream donut, now he's filing for divorce" "What about your children?"
You all know that when you are in the bathroom, European. But do you now what you are when you're trying to get to the bathroom?
Governed by a murderous psychopath.
If a man has colon cancer and gets a part of his colon removed, then what does he have now?
My friend phoned me. 'I just stole some goatskin,' he said breathlessly, 'and now the police are chasing me. What should I do?'
I said, 'Hide?'
He said, 'Yes, that's what goatskin is.'
Now I know what the orchestra conductor is doing when he lowers his baton
He's telling the organ player to pipe down
Polar bears have been introduced in the Antarctic. What are these polar bears now called?
Im a millionaire and my church collects money on Sunday's from members. Now I'm sitting on the far left and place my bag to my right. Now the usher comes up to me with the money bag. What did I tell them?
"Sorry, but I don't have any money left."
What is the Inventor of hand sanitizer doing right now?
I have no idea what to get now...am I supposed to get both?
Now that's what I call a Screamplay!
What is Beethoven doing now?
I can now legally tell dad jokes so heres my favorite. What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
What do pirates now do before every voyage?
Son of a what now?
If a man named Mitch has a boy, it would make the boy a son of a Mitch.
Now that's what I'm talkin bout
What does Thor need now that he’s fat?
Did you hear what they are going to call the generation of kids born 9 months from now?
A fish steps outside her house and get hers fins and gills blown out of order by the weather, so she goes back in for a jacket. Her husband asks, “What’s it like Outside Right Now?” She replies,
What is the most sought after nation right now?
What has Mozart been doing right now?
What can you do for a tortoise that was falling in love but now is only falling apart?
Nothing you can do, it’s a turtle eclipse of the heart
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